Facing the music

[NotFromThesePart]

Start with defining yours.

“Acts of service” This strikes me as about right. This will sound strange. While we were dating, one day while I was at work she went to my house and got my car detailed. I still consider this the single nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I know that really isn’t true in actuality, but I was just bowled over that someone would just do that for me for no apparent reason.

So your answer to the question was Big Intimacy.
To me.. that just does not fit.

Maybe intimacy isn’t the word. She wanted to be noticed. She wanted me to WANT to know her. In both the biblical and literal sense. Often she said “I don’t think you even like me”. She wanted me to be amazed by her. One thing I found really hard was showing her I appreciate her for the things she liked about herself. They aren’t in my top 10 list of her wonderful qualities, but she wanted validation in these areas.

How has her perspective changed? And is it a realistic view of the situation?

I think she lost her optimism. Just a few months ago she was optimistic. I don’t recall if I talked about this, but in July I was visiting her and we went to a fertility clinic. I think this has to be seen as optimistic. The A seems to have just extinguished any optimism about us she had. She disappointed herself, and seems to be unable of seeming how I could possibly get over it.
I hope it is not realistic. I am totally optimistic that I can be a better husband to her. I WANT to be a better husband. Really I want to be a better person in general.

On to the list...
If we look at it.. and ponder it.. what are things you can control?

Is control the question? What can I control? None with the possible exception of this:
- Makes me just smile!
I think the real question is what can I influence. I believe most of them. Let’s take the spending issue. For years I just told her “stop spending”; like it would have been that easy. Well it might have been for me, but not for her. A couple weeks ago, she told me:
What you should have done was to come to me told me “here is the deal, let’s save your money for one month. At the end of the month I’ll take you out and buy you a pair of shoes”
When I ponder this, what I think it means is that I need to me more engaged with her life, and more creative in how I go about helping her get what she needs. I need to help her rather than tell her. I’ve been bad about this in most areas, but not all. The one area we both agree that I help her in is work. She constantly is asking me for help with her work. I do give her ideas, but in the end she is responsible for implementing the ideas, and she does. Well. It is frustrating because she gives me way too much credit for this. I wish I could do this in our personal life. I think I feel to invested to take any risks though.

Now I want to "see" what you do with the list.
"That is just off the top of my head. I could go on or dive into any one."
Again. go with the list you have and think about what I want you to do with it...

Right now I don’t know how to do this. I need an opening with her. Perhaps it will come and I have some ideas. But I do worry I’ll overwhelm her.