No more games-Onward

[CD Bear]

Thanks Seeking, Wrenching and Gritter
(that was a band in the 60"s, right?)

It is only becuase you are still attached to the emotion.
No more getting into W's head. Watching her. Trying to figure things out. This will take time and you will catch yourself doing it because you get pulled off YOUR course.You will not wake up tomorrow knowing and living who you are and what kind of man you want to be.

I completely understand the emotional detachment aspect. I'm not sure what the end goal of this looks like, though. Am I supposed to listen/interact with her and feel NOTHING? Or is it more like "feel the emotion but simply acknowledge it and allow it no affect on me"?

I also see that the attachment to her is holding me back and/or influencing my path. Not directly but more like a gravitational pull. It used to be more direct connection. Now it's less so. I'm not sure how to work on this piece.

Ironically, this morning I DO have have different view. I had a chat with a friend in AK last night and something quite stunning came out of the conversation. Neither of us "heard" what he really said until it was "out there" for a minute.

The problem I have been having is trying to find the real CD. Naturally, I was looking to the past for reference. PEI also suggested a "Greatest Hits CD" a few posts back.

What became clear yesterday is that the past is NOT a place to look for CD. He is NOW. The pieces I want; the natural core; is simply HERE and always has been. The pieces I don't want (the "affectations" I learned to cope) were in my history because I didn't have the right "equipment" to see them for what they were- distortions in my view and incorrect responses BASED on that view.

Garbage in; garbage out.

What's my point? My life is more like a book.

I am the main character. I am also the author.

From today forward, I don't have to look at the previous chapters to determine what I write. I am writing this book based on NOW. And I am not writing this book for mass appeal. I'm not looking for a publishing deal or a monthly appearance on '@prah'.

So with the right perspective on seeing the past properly and removing all the filters, it purifies the actions of NOW. And the storyline gets clearer. My character simply does what he does based on precisely what is happening around him and what he feels he wants to do with it.

In essence, I am writing my story FROM NOW. The past is exactly that. I owe no allegiance to what I've already done/written. I don't have to maintain a "context" at all.
It; me; CD is brand new, moment by moment.

Allow for errors.
Strive to minimize them.
Accept what is.
Continue to do what works for me.
Build on those successes.
CONTINUE to write NEW things. ADD to the story.

The past chapters were just that. The past; 'passed'.

I have no need or requirement to be consistent with what I've done before. That, too, is holding me back. There is too much stuff to look at in the past that was filtered and distorted.

Finding CD is NOW and FUTURE based. And now, this morning, I can SEE that in the questions-

I am not seeing a direction for your focus.
What do you want ?
What are you trying to accomplish for you

There is no time sense in the questions. Why was I looking backwards rather than forwards? I've already been there.

This can also be applied to the River of Life analogy Steady and I play with a lot.

"What difference does it make where I was in the river current before? I am where I am now."

"Keep your eyes outside the boat"

"Steer clear of the rocks as best you can"

"Look downstream for where you would like to go"

"You can have a closer look but you can never stop. The river doesn't work that way. So you have to be able to ABSORB as much of the moment as you can as you pass"

And my favorite line "Anything else is just FRUITLESS PADDLING"