My Situation - any thoughts or ideas

[XYZ]

I really don't know what to make of this. It's been 2 weeks since I started implementing the DB techniques. With the exception of a couple small setbacks, they've worked well. W and I are getting along. Talking (not about R), joking. Many times she seems happy, but not always. She sends me texts throughout the day. I reply, but don't initiate. She concerned about my health and recent weight loss. She seems genuinely concerned for me.

On the other side, she is still adamant that we will be divorcing, although she has taken NO action towards that except to work more and shore up our financial situation. A month ago, we were a very affectionate couple. Kiss good night, kiss good morning, lots of ILYs during the day, emails/texts ending in ILY. All of that has stopped and is now just "have a good day, see you later". No hugs or kisses at all. I'm not initiating any of that either (as much as I want to).

I just can't seem to reconcile her concern and demeanor around me and these changes. They seem so contradictory. She did tell me over the weekend how "sad and angry" she is about what this will do to the kids and how it's "so unfair to them that we got here". I just agreed.

Can anyone help me understand the steps that she is/will go/be going through so that I can understand the progression and whether is's progress of not?

[XYZ]

Her actions continue to confuse me. Two things happened today. First, she sends me a text saying "I'm done at 4:00 today, would you like to take the kids to Mexican for dinner". I respond, "sure sounds great". She proceeds to tell me about how traffic should be lite. I just sent a smile back.

And then second, my mother called this weekend to ask about some family event plans for Christmas time. My W questioned the age appropriateness for our kids. (My W questions everything my mother does). I told her over the weekend that I would make a call and check. I did so today and sent the following email to W:

"I called the Cirque people and spoke to them about about age-appropriateness. Seems totally fine. I'm going to tell mom that I'll come with the kids. We'd love to have you come with us, but I'll leave that up to you. Just let me know."

She replies: "I'll attend"; I reply to her reply: "Sounds good. I'll let mom know. Thanks."

Do her actions sound like someone trying to leave? I'm so confounded...

[XYZ]

Another update: So, last night we went to dinner with the kids. Had a great time. W walked in saying "I have to tell you the funniest thing that happened at work today". Lots of good conversation, strong eye contact. No R talk at all.

However, at least 3 times during dinner W made reference to something post-D - where we'll both live, how she'll bring food over to my place, etc. I just smiled and nodded through this part but it was like daggers being plunged into my heart. My coach tells me that these comments are her subconscious "reminding" her that although this feels good right now, remember what we're doing.

She made those comments before, but usually only once. Three times last night was a lot. Maybe her subconscious is having to work harder to "remind" her! I know, hopeful thinking, but I have to hang my hat onto something....

[XYZ]

What do you guys think of these goals? Feedback welcome:

S/T
* Help W to smile or laugh every day
* Open up to W about my work and what's going on there
* Be open to W talking about her work
* Be understanding about W's work and her need to work in the evenings and night
* Put my family ahead of everything else
* Have a great time with the kids
* Take as much pressure off W as possible around the house - especially when she's able to sleep
* W will initiate any physical contact - even just a touch on the hand


L/T
* Agree to work on marriage and not divorce
* Develop strong emotional connection
* balanced, mutually rewarding sex life w/no pressure around frequency or specific acts
* shared view of finances and financial goals
* balance on family, work, couples time.

[XYZ]

Anybody?

[XYZ]

Bump

[pinhead]

I hate to beat a dead horse, but do you know if there's any OM (other man) involved? Have you looked? I know your first instinct will be to say no, my W would never do that. You need to find out.

Most spouses won't leave a marriage without something better (in their mind) to go to. And women with children, more so.

[gutwrenching]

Pinhead is right...time to be sure

Second point, the bomb was dropped a few weeks ago. A person doesn't just do something monumental like this on a whim, so of course the WAS is still talking about the D. This takes a long time to get anywhere. Certainly you need time to fix the things in you that led to this point and the WAS at a min has to be convinced those changes are permanent. 3 weeks...not convinced

And it sure sounds like there could be OM involved

[XYZ]

There is no OM.

Her reasons are (1) I put work ahead of family (and have been moody and distant regarding it), (2) I've disregarded her opinions for years and (3) I've sexually objectified her for years by requesting actions she's not comfortable with (but did anyway - now she says I've "railroaded" her for years)

My take on her reasons are: I think she is and has been depressed. She works extremely hard and deals with difficult situations (emotionally charged) around the clock - often at night. She doesn't sleep well. Gets up very early and works long days. We've allowed our kids to develop poor sleep habits and they are up a lot and in our bed a lot. This has contributed (for months and months) to a lack for sleep for W. She is exhausted. My work has been stressful and I have been moody and distant. But I think she is horribly depressed. She 100% blames me for our issues. No matter how bad I am, I don't know of any marriage where the issues are 100% one persons.

[pinhead]

So she works long hours at her business, where she could be involved with anyone. She's exhausted due to stress of living two lives. She's depressed because she feels guilty about what she's doing to her children and you.

Yep, definitely no signs of an OM...

I'll check in on this in a month or so.