Going Dark, Gaining Strenght

[JinBK]

Thanks Frank. And to everyone.

I know that WH is feeling the pull of attachment, but he is still refusing to admit his A. Or, maybe he just wanted the car.

Monday night, I got a long text message.
"We need to talk tonight. I am willing to do what you ask. I realize that you have one request and to do so will require help from you and my family. But we need help first. We need to get help together. I can't do this without you. This conversation must be between us first. No more talking to anyone else. That is what go s into these problems in the first place. If you choose to not talk or decide to share this with anyone else then I'll know its over. You made a request and I am willing to make the effort, but I must first know you are willing to talk. We need to stop listening to others, and really listen to each other."

I broke my rule, texted him back "Have you ended your affair with OW and ended your working relationship with her?"

H: "I have spoken to her yes. Can we now talk briefly?"

So I called. Why did I call?

Basically, he *said* he talked to her, that he would *only* work with her *sometimes* at the lab. I pressed for him to admit to the affair, and he still DENIED it! I said "I know you are f***ing her" and his reply? "How do you know that?" Yeah, that was a telling response.

I didn't tell him I have a recording of him with her TALKING about the sex they just had AT HIS PARENT'S HOUSE! I just said "you are lying, goodbye" and hung up.

Then, yesterday morning, I get this:
"I just want you to think about what you asked me for in your last email. To cut off ties. I told you I would last night in order to continue talking. You said we could continue therapy if this one thing was done. Then last night you stared to add conditions. This is supposed to be talked about with someone else. We are not perfect, and we have made mistakes. But you keep changing your demands. Try to understand why we both need help together. I remember getting help was something you strongly believed in and cherished, and now it seems to mean nothing. Please talk, or tell me you've moved on it it's over forever. Please ask yourself why I am still trying."

And then he texted asking for the car to go to a "conference". Um, yeah, right. He's not getting the car.

So, I responded. Not directly to him. I composed a letter, then emailed it to his uncle and SIL. I explained once again the purpose of No Contact and why it is I cannot speak to him until he is honest with me. The emotional abuse and manipulation. I won't reprint the whole letter here, but here's the gist:

1. It wasn't just cutting it off with OW, it was that AND honesty. Without honesty we can't work on anything.
2. I know you are having sex with OW and taking her out on dates. And, to make him piss his pants a little bit I said "it doesn't take much money to get the proof that I have."
3. Follow the rules of No Contact! ANYTHING has to go through your sister, or uncle if SIL is too upset (which she is...I am stronger than she is now and I don't want to put her in the middle any longer). This extends to both marriage things and business stuff like the car.

I did not respond to the car request. He will have to ask Uncle to ask me. Let's see if that happens.

Honestly, I don't know WHAT his motivation is to keep this going. He talked to OW on the tape about getting married! I'm out of his life if he really wants it.

All I need from him is a little remorse for his actions, or just admitting that it did. And telling me that he loves me. But that's not what those texts were. They were manipulations again. Heck, they could have just been buttering me up to get the car.