I appreciate the affirmations (np, not validations)
It looks as though our truck will be going away this week. W tried to get me to pitch in for the damage she caused but I refused. She used "unreasonable" and "childish". I said that it wasn't. She has been responsible for the damage all along. So she tried another tactic-pointing to older damage that predated the bomb. I informed her that damage was repaired legally AND the dealer was intentionally NOT dropping the appraisal as a favor (mostly to me). So that didn't work either.
The third attempt at my buttons was "then I guess I'll have to put this off as I can't afford it. I was hoping to do it before the next pymnt"
I said "Dealers run receivable deals all the time. They set up an account for you and you pay what you're short over the next 30-45 days. Do what you must but delaying will only cost you more unnecessarry payments"
She sends "OK" I then heard she called the dealer to set up Friday. YAY!!
However, as usual, when she doesn't get her way, she tries somethiing else to show how "determined" she is about the D. This time is was "need your (income statement0so I can finish the taxes. I only need 2008 since I claimed 2009 as 'Separated'" I said "Sure. I'll email it" She then asks "What's wrong?" I said "Nothing"
She then phones me to talk about it. It IS financial so I took the call.
She put D on the phone which was nice. She had her say "Love you, Daddy".
And then I "had to go".
I wish she knew what she was thinking so she could let me in on it. Whatever.
So, this brings me back to me.
I'm really tiring of this mess. I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm not really sure I know what I'm doing, either. I don't want to look at the board anymore. Don't feel like posting either.
There is so much nothing to say.
Other than sending off our taxes, all that is left is the Separation Agreement that I am meeting my L about this Friday.
Then I'll have a week or two of "digging for paper"-Oooh! Fun! and I'm ready to make a separation proposal.
Looking at how I can hold onto the house myself if she wants out now. She won't be able to pay off the debt that is her "going away present" so I'm coming up with alternatives- My Plan B.
Could make for an interesting November December. And she LOVES Christmas.
I'll have SO MUCH paper to pull from banks and stuff to prove MY side of this Agreement. She'll have two CC statements and a bank account statement. Her disclosure wil be easy. Mine; not even close. Dreading it.
But the agreement will be done and then I'll be waiting for her to push the button.
I won't push it. Unless I HAVE to because she goes Batchit OR I HAVE to becaue I want "INFIDELITY" listed as the grounds. And, frankly, I don't even care about that anymore.
Think I just want to get on with my life. I love her but I'm not gonna sit and spin while she continues to sleep with Goober.
I deserve better and I won't be able to meet "her" while I'm married. That's a rule for me.
I know this was all disjointed but I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest.
A "Mustang Guy" I know asked me some good questions and I'd like to get to them.
Originally Posted By: 'Mustang'
I am not seeing a direction for your focus. What do you want ? What are you trying to accomplish for you ? Who is the man behind the mask ? That is what is missing from your posts CD....at least for me. You haven't shown that side of you yet. I keep waiting for him, and he gets close, then he turns it toward laughter or something else stops him from saying what it is that he wants to say....
Tell me about the man....not the situation.
Open yourself up for the possibility to become better
These are HUGE questions. Quite honestly, I don't know if I even KNOW the answers.
I am a recovering "Nice Guy" from the external validations to covert contracts to repressed sexual shame.
I want to NOT be that anymore.
I want to be proud of me. I want to enjoy my life and get what I want from it. I want to be the dad that my daughter will love and remember warmly long after I am gone.
I want a successful career. By that I mean be paid what I am worth at something I enjoy. Is this job it? Could be. Not "Rock Star" but it's not stocking shelves at Mega-Mart either.
I want to be able to afford quality time with my friends and family. Don't need a Lear Jet.
Accomplish for me? -A healthier CD. Dump the smokes; stay fit -A healthier attitude. Dump the self-imposed stress. Enjoy each day and the people in it for what it is-temporary and fleeting. Optimism and self-respect.
The masks? I've worn them for over 40 years. Not even sure if I know what I look like without all the guilt, filters, shaky self-esteem and fear that I grew up with. Digging for me is hard. Not sure where to look. My memories of me are all masks. Knowing that they are masks and coping strategies helps but......
So now what? Devise a plan.
Goal setting.
Work out schedule-done (M, W, F) Hobby availability-done (Hockey Sundays; Drums almost set up) Smoking- I'll get back to you on that one. Work-FOCUS on it when I'm there. If you're there, might as well make good use of it. More goal plans!! Personal-more family, friend and D time. MAKE it happen. Doing a good job so far but I could use more.
Hope I find out who I really am while doing so. The decisions are all based on me now. My choices. What I choose should tell me a lot about who I am and what I value. My "core" as is so popular here.
I hope that answers something you were asking. Like I said, the questions are so large that I don't know where to start. And it's been so long since I knew me (free of lifelong habits and conditioned responses and masks) that it's all questionable.
I like the phrase "I wouldn't know XXX if I tripped over him". That's sort of how I feel about the real CD.
Isn't it amazing that their crisis puts us on our own journey? It's those things that you may never have even considered or thought about if this had not happened.
Detachment has several layers IMO and each one leads to the other through pain.
I have never seen detachment described this way, but wow that is an accurate assessment
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Thanks Seeking, Wrenching and Gritter (that was a band in the 60"s, right?)
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
It is only becuase you are still attached to the emotion. No more getting into W's head. Watching her. Trying to figure things out. This will take time and you will catch yourself doing it because you get pulled off YOUR course.You will not wake up tomorrow knowing and living who you are and what kind of man you want to be.
I completely understand the emotional detachment aspect. I'm not sure what the end goal of this looks like, though. Am I supposed to listen/interact with her and feel NOTHING? Or is it more like "feel the emotion but simply acknowledge it and allow it no affect on me"?
I also see that the attachment to her is holding me back and/or influencing my path. Not directly but more like a gravitational pull. It used to be more direct connection. Now it's less so. I'm not sure how to work on this piece.
Ironically, this morning I DO have have different view. I had a chat with a friend in AK last night and something quite stunning came out of the conversation. Neither of us "heard" what he really said until it was "out there" for a minute.
The problem I have been having is trying to find the real CD. Naturally, I was looking to the past for reference. PEI also suggested a "Greatest Hits CD" a few posts back.
What became clear yesterday is that the past is NOT a place to look for CD. He is NOW. The pieces I want; the natural core; is simply HERE and always has been. The pieces I don't want (the "affectations" I learned to cope) were in my history because I didn't have the right "equipment" to see them for what they were- distortions in my view and incorrect responses BASED on that view.
Garbage in; garbage out.
What's my point? My life is more like a book.
I am the main character. I am also the author.
From today forward, I don't have to look at the previous chapters to determine what I write. I am writing this book based on NOW. And I am not writing this book for mass appeal. I'm not looking for a publishing deal or a monthly appearance on '@prah'.
So with the right perspective on seeing the past properly and removing all the filters, it purifies the actions of NOW. And the storyline gets clearer. My character simply does what he does based on precisely what is happening around him and what he feels he wants to do with it.
In essence, I am writing my story FROM NOW. The past is exactly that. I owe no allegiance to what I've already done/written. I don't have to maintain a "context" at all. It; me; CD is brand new, moment by moment.
Allow for errors. Strive to minimize them. Accept what is. Continue to do what works for me. Build on those successes. CONTINUE to write NEW things. ADD to the story.
The past chapters were just that. The past; 'passed'.
I have no need or requirement to be consistent with what I've done before. That, too, is holding me back. There is too much stuff to look at in the past that was filtered and distorted.
Finding CD is NOW and FUTURE based. And now, this morning, I can SEE that in the questions-
Originally Posted By: 'Mustang'
I am not seeing a direction for your focus. What do you want ? What are you trying to accomplish for you
There is no time sense in the questions. Why was I looking backwards rather than forwards? I've already been there.
This can also be applied to the River of Life analogy Steady and I play with a lot.
"What difference does it make where I was in the river current before? I am where I am now."
"Keep your eyes outside the boat"
"Steer clear of the rocks as best you can"
"Look downstream for where you would like to go"
"You can have a closer look but you can never stop. The river doesn't work that way. So you have to be able to ABSORB as much of the moment as you can as you pass"
And my favorite line "Anything else is just FRUITLESS PADDLING"
What became clear yesterday is that the past is NOT a place to look for CD. He is NOW. The pieces I want; the natural core; is simply HERE and always has been. The pieces I don't want (the "affectations" I learned to cope) were in my history because I didn't have the right "equipment" to see them for what they were- distortions in my view and incorrect responses BASED on that view.
Very good stuff.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Some very good thoughts here that I am taking away from all of you. The journey for ourselves cannot be rushed. As much as we just want to "be there"...be in that place where we are totally healed and in our new lives, it only comes with traveling the roads through the wilderness. There is no freeway to get us straight there, unfortunately. The good part we all cling to is in knowing that once we get there we will look back and say it was all well worth it!
I met with the L and I have some paper to dig through. Ultimately, it appears that my original equity will pay her out of the debt back to "run away with a dollar" (She got away with this last R, too. I get to be her financial and emotional bankruptcy bail-out)
Truck is gone. She is off my insurance. I had a few hours of texts Thurs-Saturday over this.
Taxes are done. I'll owe either the govt and/or her a total of about 1600. But in Feb I stand to pull back about 3K based on how we split the taxes this time.
Other than the house (which needs to be laid out in the Sep Agreement), I've done all I need to lead on.
Now I need to get my head around how to proceed from here. I'm thinking really quite dark. Other than D2 I have nothing left to talk about with her.
And I will NOT be leading the Sep Agreement as the current situation is working. If she starts going against the "mutually agreed" arrangement, I'll call the L. Otherewise, setting up mediation is heavy lifting for her.
For entertainmemnt, in the last two weeks (and really crazy last week) she has- -flagged me down in traffic to join up and discuss a moot point -reminded me of a nickname we called D2 like it was 3 years ago -told me about her mood/day three times -talked about Christmas gifts -talked about D2's birthday party (late Feb) -resistance/asked why to giving back my vanity plate. (It has the 'code name' of our family with MY relatives)
Not gonna mindread the intention but the net result suggests she is all over the place.
I could get into more detail on the exchanges but unless someone wants to see it, it is short of standing in the doorway so it is pointless to me.
I'll try to post again later but I'm planning on going dark starting Wednesday. All financial stuff should be completed to the LAST detail by then and then I'm "off" for a few days of R&R.
