Newbie, H left and wants D, please help

[Sky's Wife]

Beth83, sure I know that we had our issues, and I really tried to do whatever I could to solve them. But it seemed as if we were just two ships passing by each other in the night. It was very frustrating, as I really felt I've tried everything in the world but never got response.

He was such a nice and caring guy before this A 10 years ago, then all of a sudden he withdrew and fell into heavy depression, with zillion questions, analyzing who he is, what he achieved by then... later he told me she was just a consequence, not a cause of depression. But when he returned home (on his own will, I gave him space and time), he came as a half of the man I used to know, and he never fully recovered.

Instead, he turned into angry and distant person, who flat-out told me he was not going to stop spending time with her, as she was ill, on chemo then. I tried to understand, but asked him to be honest with me, don't lie and hide, as this was the only way to build trust. Long story short, he never stopped lying to me, doing things behind my back or being just plain disrespectful.

Good example is how I discovered EA#2 - as a sign of good will and building trust, he gave me passwords to his two e-mail accounts, but short later he created a new one, just for him and OW2. It didn't take me effort to snoop, as it was almost in front of my nose, he left one mail printed on a counter and I found it next to his bag when I was vacuuming.

It was an account that I never saw before, but unbelievably, password was the same as one he gave me. The content of mail exchange sickened me, it was sooo disrespectful toward me. I confronted him, nd asked calmly who she is, and he told me with a smile, oh, thats a girl from work with whom I just had a coffee once, she joined our project. I repeated question, asking him please don't lie, tell me the truth, and he sad but I've told you. Then I put mail prints on the desk and he went ballistic, accusing me that I'm obsessive, controlling crazy b***h, he can't live that way, I controll his every move, I bite and never let go...

Our major issue is that he kept accusing me for controlling him, and I repeated 1000 times but please, stop, just stop lying to me, stop do those things, as with one lie you dismantle 100 good things you do! How on earth can I build trust if you don't give me a chance to heal??

Now he says that I never let go, that I was controlling, that I never appreciated that he came back home to me, means I won, and it should be enough... Yes, after few years he gradually became more of his old self, but he remain distant, self sufficient, less affectionate, even angry if I ask for more. No matter how hard I tried to show to explain in gentle words or just show that I need him, I need and want his closeness, I miss time spent with him... he never got it, but yes, he told numerous times that I withdraw from him. What could I do but stop trying if I come close, initiate and end up rejected so many times that it seriously affected my self esteem.

What to do if I ask him do you need me, do you need my affection, me being close to you, and he said yes, I do, a lot, and when I say then please, do take it, don't reject me, I am here and I need you too... and he never did, but then accuse me that I run away from him. What to say when I asked him (after 4 months sexless) do you want to be my husband or a roommate, and he says a husband, and then almost fight against me trying to kiss him. It looked as If I tried to rape him... Then we have a good month, normal, and here it goes again...withdrawal, rejection...

And now he says he can't be with me any more, he doesn't love me, he is tired of trying and never having any result, I am controlling, I never let go, I push him away, he feels whatever he do is not enough for me ...

I don't know what to say and what to make out of it, I tried every possible way to show him he is important to me, I am interested in him and attracted to him, I care for him and I truly love him... I appraised him for every little things he has done for me, at home or for my company (i.e. taking care of computer network), but when he kept rejecting me and distancing from me I told him once I so much appreciate his actions, but please, tell me why do you reject me, what is a problem? I yarn for you close to me, and you give me cakes, but don't understand that I am hungry just for plain bread and water, why do you reject me, please...??

Oh God, I've been far too long... this hurts so much..

Thank you for bearing with me, please tell me what do you think is a problem, I just don't understand

Sky