Yep, my W thought I was emotionally unavailable. Had shut herself down to me because of it. So if I had just filed the day after the bomb, her impression of me would have been reinforced. So there are some similarities. I pursued far too much.
But I think that you still need to detach John. Really detach from the outcome. Create a plan B. Think about everything involved in making it a success. It will give you a huge amount of comfort to know that you'll be okay with Plan B. That your son will be okay. It'll help you detach from her, and you'll lose this franticness that's a hallmark of your relationship.
I've looked at apartments. Done the budget for two households. Figured out custody. Decided on what I'd want and need from the house. Thought about what I'd do with the extra free time.
It's not what I'd prefer my life to be like, but I'm good with it if things don't turn out the way I'm leading. In some ways my life would be markedly better.
What I would do when the phone call is done between your wife and your son is to simply say to your wife, "Okay, we'll be here when you call tomorrow night. Have a good night." then hang up. If she wants to talk more, tell her your busy. She'll get the hint eventually.
Make her feel the loss. In a gentle, loving way. Empathy is the key to Doing the Right Thing.
whatever she complained about in the past does not matter. I started to see progress and then you start asking questions about being a softy again, John it has not worked! it does not show strength! its like the toy with a ball a paddle and the elastic string, you get out there and aback to the paddle. Enough is enough John, dont fall in her web.
W last night after work dropped S4 off at my home. She takes class every Tuesday night and that is a day we agreed that he stays with me. Weird schedule, but I get him every Tues/Thur and we split the weekends. So, it's a 50/50 arrangement, but it works because of her work/school hours.
So after she drops him off and leaves, he turns to me and says, "When is Mommy coming to pick me up? Am I staying here tonight?" I tell S4 that he will see Mommy tomorrow and I will drop him off in the morning like usual, but then he says, "Well, Mommy said that she would come pick me up tonight." I told him that I didn't think Mommy would say that, so he started to get upset and I told him let's call your Mom and we can talk about it.
So, I called her to find out if he was using this parent vs. parent tactic (which he's used before to get to watch more TV or something) and she picked up. I nicely said that S4 said that you were coming to pick him up tonight and I was a little confused, so I wanted to talk to you about it, W.
She then says that he had difficulty getting in the car because he just got up from a nap and she asked him if he wanted her to pick him up after class (mind you, this is *my* day with him) and that she would talk to me about it. Before I could even utter a word she said, "And you and I never agreed that he would spend nights with you when I had class, you're just doing me a favor by babysitting for me when I have class. You put in there that you would keep him that night, I never agreed to that. So I thougth I would pick him up."
Ok. So she gets out of class at 9:30pm. He's 4 years old. On what earth would I just "babysit" until 9:30pm when his bedtime is 8:00pm? She tried to pull the wool over my eyes here, we definitely agreed to which nights are who's. I'm not saying all of this, but thinking it in my head.
But still, I'm a little pissed, and I'm seeing drama getting ready to happen. So, I remain calm.
I say: "Really? Ok. Well, I don't think it was like that. But, if you insist that all we agreed to is that I would have him overnight every Sunday and every other Saturday I think we have some miscommunication. I doubt you or I would agree that I get him only 6 nights a month."
She then launches into this "I would never deny you your son if he asked for you, blah blah" stuff.
I ignore it. Just say have a good night. Hang up.
She texts after saying, "This is why I never want to spend time with you, for you doing things like this."
Me? Really? Be-JESUS!
I'm still not responding. I want to cool down. So I wait an hour or so and send her:
"You never should have put me in that position in the first place. You could have calmed him down by saying you would call him 2, 3 or 5 times. That's what we agreed to. And then before I could even talk to you about any of it, you say that we never agreed to me having him on these nights? You know what you agreed to. That is not right."
I'm not standing for ANYMORE of her CRAP BEHAVIOR. I got some BALLS and called her out, but didn't engage. So guess what? Five minutes later I get a text from her:
"You're right, John. I shouldn't have. Next time I will say I will call you 3 times. I know what I agreed to, I'm sorry. I didn't handle this well"
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
you're just doing me a favor by babysitting for me when I have class
You stopped doing her favors when she cheated, moved out and wanted to end the marriage.
Good for not caving in finally. There's nothing more depressing than watching a guy washing the car of a girl that just broke up with him and who is dating other guys. You get the picture, right?
Chances are... she carried on like this in her prior dating life. The word used to sum up such behavior is "user".
Do not be used by somebody who is acting like a user.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
This is the first time I really mean this... Nice job John!!
If what you wrote is how it happened. You chose not to get in the mud with the pig (metaphorically speaking ofcourse )
Way to hold your ground!!! I hope you see how productive this was. You didnt pursue so she pursued you. I wouldnt have sent that message, but nice job none-the-less.
Continue to state your boundaries and follow them up.
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