It's really not your choice. Your choice is whether you want to cling to someone who doesn't want you right now. He might change his mind, but clinging to him will not keep him with you.
I don't know if I'll ever be ready to let him go, Soleil.
I know that it hurts your heart to your CORE but he is not invested/committed to you 100%. The sooner you can accept/see that for yourself, the better. Sometimes we have blinders on but he is showing you straight up what his deal is...
He wants to have you and this other chick....do you want that? Cause if you won't let him go, you are telling him that is fine and dandy with you.
Oh I wanted to add, you may want to check out Mrs. A's thread over in "Surviving the B D" forum--you guys are going through very similar things right now...
It happened. He came, took his clothes and left the house key.
I feel like my best friend just died. I'm crying so hard I can barely breath. We were seperated for six months last year and everyone lied, it didn't get easier as time went on, it got harder. I can't go through this again.
Me: 30/ H: 34 DD: 7 / DD: 4 Together 16 years, Married 10 He Moved Out: July 2009 / Came Home: January 2010 Left Again: October 2010
I can vividly remember times after my ex walked out the door (it happened more than once) when I would literally crumple to the floor sobbing. I know how much it hurts, and I am sorry you are going through this...
Hugs to you. I know that you are feeling a lot of pain.
I think this is where you do a big 180. Summon your strength and do not pursue. If this is what he wants, give him the space and time to have it. This time is a gift to you. He is out of the house and out of your face while the affair drama plays out. At some point you should make it clear to him in a calm manner that you will not live in an open marriage.
The best plan now is to LIVE WELL. Get your act together, get your mojo on and really work on yourself. Focus on your kids. Don't let your H or the OW THINK that they have beat you down (even if you still feel that way at first). Let him wonder why you aren't falling apart.
It is a gift to be apart right now. Your H needs to develop some emotional maturity so that he can commit to a M in the full sense. You both need time to work on whatever has brought you to this point. He may come back but if he comes back and neither of you has addressed the issues , you will inevitably be back to square one. You deserve better. M is not the In and Out Cafe. A H/W cannot be like a kid in a candy store who sees something that looks delicious and wants to taste it.
As for the jealousy? What are you really jealous of? This is no quality relationship that your H has entered into. How can it be when it is based on cheating? The fact that he is being intimate with OW will hurt. Put your pain aside and ask what does he have to offer her now that is deserving of jealousy? If he doesn't address what leads him to cheat, he will always have issues in a R and he will bring the same drama to OW at some point in time.
You can get through this. I hope that you and your H can work it out, so that you won't have to "get through this again". That is the goal. To have a healthy M on a fundamental level. To develop compassion, respect and a genuine love for each other. To meet each other's needs. Not just to get your man or woman back.
Marriage can be a beautiful thing. I hope we all get to experience that beauty in our lives.
I screwed up and did the initial whiney texts after he left, just told him what I would miss about him type thing. He said there are things he will miss to and it wasn't all bad. Even said maybe we'll have fun together again someday and can remain friends. I don't want to be his friend, I want to be his wife. I want him to look at me like he did on our wedding day. I want to be his world again, like I once was.
I think the jealousy I have is more towards the attention he gives her that I don't get. Believe you me, there is nothing in regards to the OW herself that I have to be jealous of as she is not a very good person. Its just that time that she gets and I want.
The OW from his first EA however, is a different story. We met her through a friend 6 months before getting married. She was in love with him but he never noticed, everyone else did. He stopped talking to her about three years ago, (yeah it went on seven years) and has recently started talking to her again. He said to me last night that he didn't have feelings for her then, says with her only being 17 and him being 23 at the time it would have been wrong. Then he went on to say that now however he has seen what she has grown into and respects her greatly (shes never been afraid to put him in his place). Believes she would be able to turn him around and get him "shaped up" so to speak. Said giving up 2nd OW as a friend and even quitting smoking might be worth it for her. He basically said if her marriage doesn't work out, he's going to persue her. He said he sees now that she was in love with him but she got her heart broken because he made a mistake. WTF?!?! Was marrying me the mistake? Makes me feel like our marriage was never really worth anything to him.
I guess if we get back together, dealing with the feeling that he still has feelings for this girl may very well be the hardest thing to get over as its something I've always suspected and has always hurt me. Will I ever be ale to live up to her in his eyes?
Me: 30/ H: 34 DD: 7 / DD: 4 Together 16 years, Married 10 He Moved Out: July 2009 / Came Home: January 2010 Left Again: October 2010
Your H actually discussed his interest in OW1 with you? And you ask whether you can live up to her in his eyes? What about him living up to the concept of being committed and learning to be a H?
I am really floored that he could discuss OW1 with you and the fact that he would pursue her if her marriage doesn't work out. That it might be worth it to give up OW2 for OW1? That is wrong on so many levels that I don't even know where to start.
J, I have to agree with Soleil and Kara. Letting go is hard, I know it is, but it's necessary.
He actually discussed OW1 with you? I can't even fathom that or how I'd react in that situation . . . That screams no respect to me, like he's viewing you as some friend in a twisted way.
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
