wow Cyrena. that was an awesome post. i totally agree about the idea of forgiveness. in the weeks following exposure, i did a lot of self exploration, a lot of it "unconscious" (?) i think. i would go to church, sit there thru the morning mass and cry asking God for guidance. I took comfort knowing He was there. i could give Him everything, let my guard down. it was there that i realized i could forgive. i could move on without my W as well.
my desire to forgive my W does not stem from a "need" to forgive her as a means of enticing her back. and i have not chosen to "not forgive" her bc in my heart of hearts suspect that she realizes the impact of what she has done, at least on a level. it has been really hard to not judge her as u can imagine. i question her sense of course, especially when i find myself thinking about some of the details of their trysts which i try not to do and funny enough she still denies ever happened. suspect the latter stems from her guilt. bc to acknowledge it happened would mean facing up to the reality of it. it is denial of a sorts.
i do not mean to hijack but i have to share this with someone, so sorry. today we were in the car talking about a friend of hers who is moving far away. my W supposedly went over to this woman's house to work on her "CV" at some point 2 months ago after going to the gym, and i have always suspected my W was actually meeting with OM that day bc i was working and both my kids and I could not reach her for hours.
W was telling me how this woman and her husband were having a hard time selling their house before re-locating. so i asked the typical questions like "how big is it," "how many bedrooms," "is it nice?" etc. she couldn't answer with any authority and started to make up answers. i saw right thru it, but i did not let this go on for long bc i recognized right away that she was being forced to lie. she never went to this woman's house. my W obviously knew that and she could suspect i did as well. it is a time like that when i have to catch myself and remember that i have chosen to forgive. i did it today most def. but it is the hardest thing in the world to do at times.
yesterday, we were in the car on the highway, just she and i without our kids who were off from school, driving to look at a car to buy. at one point i look out the window and see "super 8 motel" which i know is where they used to meet the few or several times they did. it was all i could do to keep my self control intact. i did NOT look at her. could not. i started to well up with sadness and some frustration. again i was able to control it and remember my choice to forgive. it is like a rollercoaster.
i hope and feel that she will one day awaken to the realization of what she has wrought. do they ever i ask myself? i WANT her to forgive herself bc in doing so she will be able to move on and perhaps forgive me as well for the role i played in the deterioration of our M.
your words particularly resonate with me Cyrena bc my W has chosen to never see her father the child molester ever again. do not think she has "forgiven" him bc suspect she has comparmentalized off her feelings and thoughts on the matter bc they are too hurtful.
and wow! the Karpman Drama Triangle!! your sentence on how my W who was having the A probably felt like the victim (bc of what i had "done" to her) as well as trying to "rescue" a very messed up OM (said it in prior post where he had been drug abuser, is physically a wreck, drinks, womanizes, has "abusive" wife etc) and would hurl insults at me like "i despise you and have never loved u." she is also fond of saying even now how she has never ever really wanted to make love or have sex with me. it was all one sided bc it was to keep me "pleased." married 15 y and pretty much W says it was like that for most of our M. 5 kids, and many acts of love making later especially when i remember holding her in my arms w/ her crying and holding on to me tightly w/ what appeared to be tenderness.
of all the things she has said to me, that has really hurt me the most. yet i have to persist in my desire to forgive bc this cannot b the woman i married nor is it the woman i want to be with. can she truly feel that way? unfathomable that she would be able to concoct things like that. does it ever end? does she wake up? i have not pressed her on matters of the bedroom at all, limiting myself to very short kisses. ugh. what a mess.
but in the end you are SO right. the process of forgiving is ultimately what enables u to escape from the triangle, both she and I.
