Early Parole from the MLC Chain Gang?????

[PEI]

Okay....I'm going back to my corner and be quiet.....:)

Pssssst ... missher .... can you pass this note to Grit ... Eric made me do it ...

[ericmsant2]

Crushed

I'm not prepared for quite yet.

We all get this point in our own time. Be gentle on yourself, it will come when it is suppose to come. It come when you are not looking for it.

I've sold myself my independence by tearing down my image of her and doubting even if I ever loved her to a degree that I would put up with all this crap.

Do you really believe in what YOU sold YOURSELF? I would suspect that you did love her. You were married for 10 years so I have to believe that you had some level of love towards her.

Yet the warm feelings about the M return occasionally and I'm left to parse out whether its the marriage (ie companionship) I miss or is it my W.

Missing someone, something...is normal. It does not mean that YOU did not love her. What is love? What is commitment? Only YOU define it Crushed. Only you. According to your signature, you have three children. Something tells me that they were conceived in LOVE. Not in anger and not in hurt. Respect your M for what it was. Change how you look at it. Look at it and focus on the good times. YOU decide how you look at it.

I'm not sure where my W is in the baking process but I keep opening the oven door - she may never get done and the kitchen keeps getting hotter. I'm tempted to jab her with a toothpick now and then

Does it matter where she is in the process IF you are looking at YOU?

You are right she may never be done. Are you done looking at yourself? Are you done trying to be the best you can be?

I leave you with this...

Love is kind
Love is patient
Love is LONG suffering

Love conquers all!

You know crushed...you can love something and not want to be M to it. AND you can also love something and respect it's choices and be grateful of the time YOU had it.

God Bless,
Eric

[MHL]

Yet the warm feelings about the M return occasionally and I'm left to parse out whether its the marriage (ie companionship) I miss or is it my W.

CNS,
I have had to be honest with myself and say that it is both and I think that is okay. I just don't get as down about it as I once used to and I certainly don't focus all of my attention on it either.

Having to see her because of the kids makes it more difficult, however I wonder to myself....if it were not for the kids I might have moved on already.

If we were to reconcile one day will I look back and say that the contact we had to have kept me in the game???? I don't know just food for thought.

How are you doing?

~C

[crushednstuck]

Didn't intend to hijack your thread. I really felt some similaries to your sitch regarding the kids and the forced contact with the W. I know we all make our own path, but I appreciate learning from those who've taken a similar journey.

To answer your question briefly before going back to my thread, I've got that same old limbo feeling. Maybe have a little less anger, maybe not.

[MHL]

Well, it has been over a month since I had the R talk with my W and she said she was going to file for D. Still nothing, I have not seen anything, no registered mail and have not been served. We have a legal separation in which the D is pretty much laid out. It is a fairly easy process for either one of us to file down at the courthouse and pretty inexpensive too.

Don’t know if my W knows how simple it is or how cheap it is so really I don’t know why she has not filed yet, I try not to speculate. I just go with it a day at a time and see what happens, most days I don’t even think about it, but if I do I try to put the positive “spin” on it and say to myself “she is having doubts” or “it must not be that important to her”. Of course those thoughts are followed by “What does it mean????” and that is not so healthy for me.

It has been over a year since she has been gone, kicked her out August 25, 2009. Going on 14 months…….

I am okay, so is my daughter (13), however my son(10) has been upset lately. Came downstairs crying a couple of weeks ago after I put him to bed. He came to me and said, “This is taking to long, I am tired of all this, doesn’t she (mom) know she is hurting us???”

That was tough, I told him that she loved him very much and his sister too but she was confused about her feelings for me. I went on to tell him that I think mom even loves dad (me) but she is not sure if she wants to “live” with me again. He kind of understood but really all he wants is his mom and dad to be back in the house together. I ended the conversation by saying that it is okay to talk to his mom about his feelings too. He is reluctant because she usually gets upset, and he does not want to upset her. I simply told him I understood.

Well last week, he did talk to her and asked her if we were going to get divorced and she responded to him that she did not know what was going to happen but she thought that everything was going to be alright. As he was telling me this I could tell he took that as she was going to eventually come home. I just let lay there and did not want to take away his hope. It does make me wonder what she is contemplating, (I know, no mindreading and don’t get sucked in, SWING AWAY, I feel I can indulge in this activity now and then and still come out unscathed) .

As to my interactions with my wife…..they remain very friendly and almost always we both linger as we are saying goodbye. The eye contact is almost unbearable for me but I endure. It happened today as we were leaving a parent/teacher conference. We were out in the school parking lot and instead of just going to our cars we stood there and talked. I did pursue slightly in that I complemented her on her hair which she had straightened (if you have seen her pics on the alt, you will understand that straightening her hair is no small undertaking), anyhow we were standing there rather close to each other and all I wanted to do was just pull her into me and hug her and kiss her. I maintained control and did not cave to temptation.

As nice as it is to see her the most significant things seem to happen when we are on the phone. Yesterday she called to talk to our S10 in the mid-afternoon. It was her weekend off, I knew she went out of town put did not know where. I picked up the phone and said hello and asked how she was doing. She proceeded to tell me where she had been and what she had done for the weekend. We ended up talking for 10-15 minutes. She had gone to one of her friends house about 3 hours away for a large cookout (In the south we call it a “pig pickin”, cue the dueling banjo’s from Deliverance).

Anyhow, her friend is married with a daughter that is 17 and plays soccer like our D13. My W told me how she enjoyed talking to friend’s D17 and how much it reminded her of our D13 and how much she misses our D13. My W went on to say that there were a bunch of kids running around and that she was having a real hard time missing our S10 also, that is the reason she called. I just said “I can understand how you would feel that way”.

We talked about some other things mostly the kids but what I noticed is that for the first time she voluntarily shared her “feelings” with me. This was unprompted by me. She even went on to say that she was feeling alone in the car on her drive back. It took all my self-control to not offer to talk to her all the way back to keep her company or invite her over for dinner that night.

I cycle pretty hard and fast these days and I accept it. I am more focused at work these days and have plenty to keep me more than occupied at home which helps. For now I am comfortable with things and know that I still LOVE my wife deeply and it doesn’t hurt to do so or to say it aloud.

I will continue to be the best man I can be, the best father I can be, the best friend I can be and also …………………

the best husband I can be.

Cheers

[crushednstuck]

MHL, the parallels are remarkable. Though we have no formal separation down here, I imagine myself in a similar position. My contact with the W is more frequent as our kids are younger and the kid calls are nightly.

My D7 has been the one pressing us on timing. Though she disclosed the bomb 10/09 I didn't insist she move until 2/10 as she repeatedly said she needed space. This timing resulted in D7 thinking we were having some type of summer break. Our responses mirror each other, "Mommy and Daddy will take care of it, but we both love you very much". This has sufficed until recently when D7 is pressing as the summer ends. My IC says D7 knows things aren't normal and is waiting for the "other shoe to drop". However, with S5's sports and my daughter's dance classes we are seeing on another at least 5 times a week.

We met for the exchange on Sunday when we normally play "family" sports together. We did breakfast, she kisses the kids and turns to me for a thank you peck, as I paid. However, there's not much emotion behind it. I guess I'm OK with this. I know not to expect anything else as she is still in A - I think.

We are limited to kid conversations but she is upset about something. In our small town the word is getting out. I told my brother in AZ several months ago. He's pissed and tells our mutual buddy here in FL. We're out for beers and he's amazed at my apparent calm in the face of what's happened. I don't tell, but he knows and calls me on it. He does't get full disclosure but he already knows enough to piss W off. His ex girlfriend calls him to see what's up with me as she sees I'm out with another buddy watching games, no ring. W is now convinced buddy is chatting up the town. And his ex is no mime.

Her real anger toward me surfaces when others question the nature of our R. She operates well in her bubble with OM and one slutty friend, but she's unraveled when hearing from other sources. Facebook is a bit*h. Quit that crap months ago.

I'm totally on board with you bro until the last paragraph. I haven't mustered the passion for W that comes through in your post. I'm cycling hard. I envy you. My work is muddled and unfocused in a challenging field. Yet, my nonprofit work is more involved and a renewed interest in church has been refreshing.

Here's hoping for a positive turn and some relief for those fantastic kids. Pig pickin sounds good. Think I'll thaw a Boston butt for the weekend.

[goodattitudegirl]

Hey MHL!

I found you! You post on so many others' threads that I was having trouble finding YOUR thread. I wanted to say how much I have appreciated your feedback. I replied to your recent comments on my thread, but wanted to let you know that if you want to buy some forensic testing kits for your D13 (maybe for Christmas?), you can buy the 'real deal' at http://store.sirchie.com. This is one of the places where law enforcement agencies buy their testing supplies. That's where I bought my kits to test for illegal drugs in my anonymous package.

I did pursue slightly in that I complemented her on her hair which she had straightened (if you have seen her pics on the alt, you will understand that straightening her hair is no small undertaking)

MHL, do you think you are in the friendship stage with W? Just asking because I have chatted with Jody (DB coach) a couple times about trying to move from friendship stage to the romance stage. What you did here (complimenting W in a very non-threatening way) sounds like exactly what Jody recommended. How did W react to your compliment?

.....what I noticed is that for the first time she voluntarily shared her “feelings” with me. This was unprompted by me. She even went on to say that she was feeling alone in the car on her drive back.

Jody also told me that I should start showing more vulnerability and share more information with XH to begin to create intimacy. Don't know if this makes sense in your situation, but it sounds as though your W might be leading you there. In my situation, XH responded very well to my opening up to him. It DID seem to bring us closer.

It's interesting to me that you say that you have been cycling a lot lately (I do too and get frustrated with myself) because in your posts you always sound very centered. I will try to take a page from your playbook and forgive myself for cycling. You seem to have this all in perspective.

Baby steps..........

GAG

[MHL]

I guess I'm OK with this. I know not to expect anything else as she is still in A - I think.

CNS,
This is where the patience has to kick in, if you can handle the interactions with your W then I would continue as hard as it may be. Up until late July we were kind of doing things as a family but my W sent me an email stating that she did not want anyone to get the wrong idea, especially the kids. So I agreed with her and I stopped doing things with her. I would have continued because I was not getting any signs from her to stop.

I would keep up the interactions if you can, It doesn't sound like your wife is pushing for a D so I "assume" she is in a state of confusion (MLC=confusion....nickel Lance).

As far as her getting pissed about the nature of your R with her, let her spin. She is the one having the affair. If she tries to accuse you of spreading the word, I would use that as an opportunity to tell her that you are,

"standing for your marriage, and that you hope she will end her affair and work on the M, the more people that know the harder reconciliation will be and you do not want to interfere with that."

After that I would not engage her in conversation about it as it is a "lose/lose" situation.

Finding that "love" or "passion" for your W takes time. It did for me and even when I discovered it, it took more time to become part of my skin, as Mach would say.

I know you are at the one year mark from the bomb and while TIME is the constant in everyone's sitch the amount of TIME may differ.

Hang in there, be the best father you can be for your kids, be the rock, if you get down or tired go look into your kids eyes, thats what I do and that is about all the inspiration I need.

Cheers

[LanceSijan]

(MLC=confusion....nickel Lance).

Nope, you have to pay J3B.
I am just paying it forward.

[MHL]

MHL, do you think you are in the friendship stage with W?

GAG,
Yes, it is there however I backed off back at the end of July when she said she did not want me or the kids to get the wrong idea that she was working on the M. Of course at the time I think she was still involved with the OM. I am pretty sure she is done with the OM, but I am waiting for her to come to me so I have not done anything with her since late July. If she wanted to do something right now I am certain the friendship would flourish, the phone conversations are getting longer and longer, so that is where it is now.

Just asking because I have chatted with Jody (DB coach) a couple times about trying to move from friendship stage to the romance stage. What you did here (complimenting W in a very non-threatening way) sounds like exactly what Jody recommended. How did W react to your compliment?

I actually did 3 DB coaching sessions back in December/January and I had Cheryl. She said try "butterfly touches", a hand lightly placed on her back as I am openning a door for her, getting a peice of "fuzz/lint off her shirt, if we are sitting next to each other touching her arm when making a statement if I am calling her attention to what I am about to say....you get it, right? For us it moves slower than it normally would say with a new relationship.

She actually took the compliment well and then went on to say how long it takes for her to straighten her hair, so I focused on her hair and asked in a joking way if the streaks in her hair were blonde/or grey. She then cocked her head to the side and turned her head slightly so as to show me more of the back of her head and more of her hair. I took a little risk and touched her hair and lightly stroked her hair as I was commenting about the blonde/grey thing. She did not recoil or pull away, at that point we were standing very close to each other and I was pretty much a puddle on the ground...LOL!!

Jody also told me that I should start showing more vulnerability and share more information with XH to begin to create intimacy. Don't know if this makes sense in your situation, but it sounds as though your W might be leading you there.

Actually, I think it that she allows me opportunities to be nice to her in conversation and keep it light. I try to get her talking and keep her talking about her life, her feelings and what is going on with her. I don't try to hide anything just keep it focused on her. I think your approach with your H is spot on, but I believe your H is much further down the tunnel also.

It's interesting to me that you say that you have been cycling a lot lately (I do too and get frustrated with myself) because in your posts you always sound very centered.

I accept it and I move freely between my feelings at any given time knowing all the while that I will always come back to the one overriding feeling.......and that is that I Love My Wife.

I was riding back from picking up my D13 from soccer just a little while ago and I just got to thinking about everything my W has done and at the end of it all she misses the very thing she was running from in the beginning. (Being a soccer mom, living in suburbia, cookouts with the neighbors, yard work, house work, homework, etc, etc, etc.) Yeah, I got pissed at her for about ten minutes but I knew in the back of my mind that I still love her and will always come back to that everytime.


Thanks for the compliment, I am not sure that I have it all in perspective but I will say I have "myself" in perspective. The growth for me has been to acknowledge that I am an "emotional" being and I have "feelings" but I am not ruled by those emotions any longer.

If that is my "center" then so be it, "I am centered".

When I read your post I couldn't help but imagine those toy figures from Fisher Price so many years ago, Wibble Wobbles. I remember the tag line......

Wibble Wobbles, wobble but they don't fall down!!!

My emotions and feelings may push me to one side or the other but I no longer fall down, I always bounce back up to the "center".

Cheers