Trying to grow a backbone!

[kat727]

I don't think you have to be with other people if you don't want to be just to GAL. I used to go to a tea house and read just to be somewhere else. It took a long time to get over my ex but I did it to save myself and my kids.

Next time my hopes were dashed, it took months versus a couple of years! hang in there.

kat

[BeginningAgain]

I agree with Kat. I enjoy just going to Borders and strolling through the aisles looking at a few books while I enjoy a coffee. I've also gotten really fond of going to the movies on my own although I'm still not a fan of dining out alone.

We've all been there Mrs. A and understand the hurt and emptiness you are feeling inside. Just remember it's only temporary and "this too shall pass."

BA

[ClingingToHope]

Does your employer have an Employee Assistance Program? I used the DB counselor back in September and October and Dottie was great. But not at $460.

My company has counseling through the EAP program. I got four free sessions there. I waited a couple of months. Called with a slightly different problem -- anxiety -- and got four more.

I only went twice the second time. Summer hit and I didn't want to waste what little time I was working at the counselor's office.

I was thinking about calling again with a new diagnosis to get four more -- but I rallied pretty well after the mid-August to early September mine field and I don't think I need them right now.

[Mrs. A]

Right now he thinks he can have you on the side and as a crash pad (your home) while he goes out and dates/sleeps with other women. Note he said there were other women, not woman (Singular).

Hi Soleil,

I've been waiting all day to respond to your post. First of all, thank you for your words of support! You and everybody else posting on here means a heck of a lot to me. I think I might lose my sanity completely without your encouragement and understanding!

Now about what you wrote - the singular v. plural question. Mr. A made a typo in his email to me that made it totally ambiguous. He wrote:

"My dealing with XXX were true, thats exactly what they were. But yes, I am and have been pursuing other woman. Thats the truth. Sorry to disappoint you..."

Besides taking out the name, that's it exactly. Did he mean "another woman" or "other women"?

You all might think I'm over-analyzing, but that question is important to me -- yesterday my IC read the emails and asked me a related (and very hard) question: do Mr. A's intentions matter to me?

I am still thinking about where I come down on that. I've read parts of "Getting Past Your Breakup" and other similar books, and they all say that the person's intentions don't matter, it's how they treat *you*. I get that concept, but I'm not sure I'm totally on board.

Thinking about it with Mr. A, it does matter somewhat. If he's trying to rekindle with the idiot that was his affair partner, then let those two a-holes have each other. If not, then I'm more ambivalent about my feelings.

I suspect that he *is* trying to reignite things with her, although that doesn't necessarily mean that he's not womanizing others too. Anyway, I don't want him in my life if he thinks he's positioned us to compete for his affections. Forget that, I'm out!

Bottom line: Starting last Thursday, Mr. A and I are no longer intimately involved. At the moment, we aren't involved at all, and I don't want to have anything to do with him. That dumb b**** can have him!

But it is sooooo sad that we blew up again and it sucks totally, because I really have a lot more fun and interesting of a life when he's in it.

[ClingingToHope]

because I really have a lot more fun and interesting of a life when he's in it.

You know I thought that way for a long time, but then the longer we were apart the more I really thought about what the M was like and it was terrible. No affection. No closeness. No fun.

I'm excited to find someone who is in to me again. It may take a while, but it's worth looking for.

Imagine how great it will feel when you find someone who is in to you ... and only you.

[Mrs. A]

CTH, that thought is alien to me right now - but I hear ya! Baby steps.

An annoying side effect of Mr. A being here for 2 months and leaving again? "Our" two dogs are whining and misbehaving nonstop since Thursday. UGH!

[Mrs. A]

It's late in these parts and I'm still up - should have expected it. Yes, I went gung-ho into things with Mr. A when I should have been a lot more cautious.

Meantime, I'm spending the rest of the week focusing on work.

Sincerely,
Mrs. A

[newmama]

I don't re-write the marital history to downplay the good times. They were fun and great. BUT that was with a man who was committed and loving and good to me. So you may have had fun with him but since the divorce, the time you spent with him...it wasn't the Mr. A you married. I think that is what woudl be so hard- wanting it to be the way it was.

My dear, it is a day to day survival. It is not like you can say "just wait it out. It will get better." It gets better a day at a time which turns to a week and then a month...and you look back and go "holy crap- I have been doing ok without Mr. A for 3 months now?" you know....

but I am not over it yet. Just better than I was.

[soleil]

Mrs. A, I think "no contact" would do you good. It's clear you both want diferent things. You still want and hope to reconcile with him, he wants you and OW(s).

Uh uh, no way, no how. You have tried above and beyond to work things out with him (which is very commendable) and he is still showing you he's not in it 100%. You deserve better. The more contact w/ you, the most convoluted your head will be...

Someone wrote this thing once that said "Reluctant partners are never wholly committed." Ain't that the truth? All or nothing.

[ClingingToHope]

He can't miss you if you are always there. I agree with no contact. It doesn't say on your sig whether you have kids. If you don't, it should be easy to go dark.