Hello everyone. I'll try to be as concise as possible as I could use all the support I can find (family not helpful in the least).
My wife dropped the bomb in May 2010 (I've lost respect for you, and I don't love you the same way) on me shortly after returning from a month long trip that was supposed to be business but ended up being mostly pleasure. Emails and calls during the trip from her were glowing and loving, until I realized the trip was really just jacking around a foreign country for a month. I was upset and jealous because I was working about 70 hours a week at the time. She's gone on several trips like this. She said me being supportive initially but then no longer after I found out it was all fun and games upset her. She said she's lost who she is with me, and that she's tired of being manipulated into cooking each night, staying up past 9 when I work late, and having sex more frequently than she wants. She's also started saying that nothing's ever been right or worked, etc. etc.
We tried to patch it up through counseling but I didn't feel that her heart was in it. She would not contribute very much except for name-calling. She would not do the assigned homework or talk about anything we were assigned to talk about during the week between our appointments. She also quit touching me physically and saying I love you, which really hurts because these are my two most significant love languages (physical affection and kind words). She said this was because she feels I don't respect her and value her equally. I desparately want to and I would hate to be in a relationship where I felt that way, but she has not ever said what specifically that looks like when I do/did respect her and what it looks like when I don't. This has me flabbergasted. I feel like I have always been supportive and considerate of her needs and dreams (I'm a codependent. I know. I cared more about her dreams than my own.)
In the interim, I often accused her of cheating and resorted to snooping, because, well, I'm insecure. She has always vehemently denied it, and denied it to her girlfriends. Every relationship I've been in has ended with the girl cheating. My mom cheated on my dad. I'm kind of hard-wired to expect it. She has said that we can't work on our "real" problems until I start trusting her. I'm on week 3 of not asking her about if there's someone else, and day 1 of knowing I don't deserve it if there was.
She moved out on Labor Day saying she didn't feel safe with all the accusations. (I never threatened to or would ever harm her.) I thought we were done for. However, she told me that she wanted to have a weekly dinner date while she was moving out, I was pretty happy and thought it could be my way back in. However, for the exception of our first dinner, she has been sullen and extremely introverted for each one of our dinners. I have been as polite and as thoughtful and as witty as I can possibly be, in the end, I just keep feeling frustrated as I can tell she does not care about this as much as I do, and we end up talking about our relationship, which is never good.
So as for now, I'm trying to GAL. (I'm learning the acronyms slowly.) I'm actually enjoying cooking more often for myself and being totally responsible for everything, and while I would hope that she would see that that neediness is gone, I'm not about to penalize myself for having other needs. Mainly:
Affectionate and guilt-free sex. She says I'm desparate for wanting it more than once a month.
Companionship: Let's go on vacation together, be outside together, go to family events together.
Conversation. She never seems interested in anything I have to say.
All that being said, I've done as suggested in DR and ask for what I needed, all met with a resounding no. She has asked for quality time, which I've tried to give her, but I don't understand how quality time can be being in the same place but staring at each other, saying nothing. It's mind-numbingly frustrating.
So, all in all, should I really start the LRT in earnest, and accept some dinner invitations but not all until I feel like there's a give and take, or should I just go and continue to be frustrated at her lack of interest in anything? Also, is it normal to wonder why I am fighting so hard for this anyway? I am piecing back together my self-esteem but I feel like a fool sometimes for wanting to carry on with someone who appears to want much less to do with me. Is it possible for her to have an EA with herself? How do I convey the respect that she wants and needs?
Thanks for reading this novel. I'm 29. She's 27. No kids (although I would like to have some.) And please let me know if I'm being a jerk in all of this.
