I recognize a lot of the emotions you describe, because I certainly got mired in them for a long time after my H decided to work on the M. And the hardest thing to get over was the feeling that, once he'd chosen to share himself intimately with another woman for 2 years, he'd ruined everything we'd ever had. Yet I don't feel that way any more--I feel as though our love was strong enough to weather even that betrayal. Besides, we would never have learned how to communicate effectively and make deep changes to how we deal with ourselves and each other without this crisis, so it was necessary. But, as with all other parts of this process, you can't skip any parts and rush to the conclusion ... you have to live through the pain. I think you're doing a really good job of riding through that pain and confusion, especially with everything else going on in your life; know that it will resolve.
If you're interested, you might look at the website A Buddhist Library for "materials by Guy Pettitt." He has designed a process of forgiveness which is more thorough and beautifully crafted than anything else I've seen. Perhaps reading through it would help you to recognize what you still need for healing to happen?
I hope your H will also do the work to be able to understand why he made the choices he did, and to forgive himself for them, because that would help you to move forward as well.
