Don't you agree you have bigger issues to work on?
Agree...thought I was on the right track. I've read "Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S" and NMMNG. I'm still a work in progress. The one thing I've learned from this site is you will take a steps back. When you do, you get up, brush yourself off and start moving forward again.
So what do I do?
Put the Betterman (N.U.T.S.) techniques into practice again.
Read Coaches "What Women Find Attractive" thread...namely the first post.
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
I'm sticking with "stay more sober". You'd be suprised just how jacked up people and relationships get with a little too much drinking.
That to...not to mention other "performance issues" that come along with drinking to much. There's a pun in there somewhere...
Thanks for the 2x4's
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
Did you think she was going to get it on with the cousin in the jacuzzi while you slept? Did you actually imagine that? You had visions of your cousin stuffing your wife like a thanksgiving turkey?! Be honest and admit this.
Appearing insecure to a woman is as attractive as Rosie O'Donnell in a 2 piece size 2 thong bikini is to a man.
Put the Betterman (N.U.T.S.) techniques into practice again.
Again?!
Are you under the impression that you just act like a man only when necessary and then insecure the rest of the time?
Becoming a "better man" means just that, becoming a better man, letting go of your insecurities, accepting reality for what it is, being honest with yourself before you attempt to be honest with anyone else.
Let's start with number 1... You are insecure about your wife leaving you, having sex and affairs with other men (including a cousin).
It's a big one, definitely a doozie.
Analyze this feeling, this idea, this ugly truth that you seem to cling to so tightly.
Is this the woman she is?
Do you believe deep down that you're just counting the tick tocks on the clock till she cheats on you with another man?
I haven't read your entire situation but if she has cheated on you again, and you are the one trying to prove yourself to her and want to hold on to her and want her to stop cheating on you, you need to look at this very closely. If you really believe that your wife is going to cheat on you because of what she may have done in the past, then you have a trust issue. Is this something you can get over? Is she working to regain your trust, to build back the trust? If not, is she treating the relationship like it's a joke, or something not important to her? If so, that is your reality, a woman who you call your wife, who is not attracted to you, someone who is going through the motions of a marriage with you, someone who will cheat on you again, not if she will cheat, but WHEN she will cheat.
Is that a great relationship for you to be in? Always wondering? Always thinking about her doing this to you? Do you like this feeling of perpetual helplessness? Doesn't sound very healthy to me.
That's not how I would live.
If she is this kind of woman, someone who is going to hook up with another guy while being married to you and you're pretty sure about it, then let her go and find someone better for you.
Yep took me 2 years to get this in my head, My wife cheated on me in 2008, every thing calmed down then bam 2010 here we go again. The next time she cheats, and she will it will be on someone else. I'm not taking that ride again.
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
Are you under the impression that you just act like a man only when necessary and then insecure the rest of the time?
Becoming a "better man" means just that, becoming a better man, letting go of your insecurities, accepting reality for what it is, being honest with yourself before you attempt to be honest with anyone else.
Yes...agree on the last four sentences
Originally Posted By: robx
You are insecure about your wife leaving you, having sex and affairs with other men (including a cousin).
It's a big one, definitely a doozie.
Analyze this feeling, this idea, this ugly truth that you seem to cling to so tightly.
Is this the woman she is?
Do you believe deep down that you're just counting the tick tocks on the clock till she cheats on you with another man?
No...deep down inside that's not how I feel
Originally Posted By: robx
If you really believe that your wife is going to cheat on you because of what she may have done in the past, then you have a trust issue.
Yes I do have a trust issue
Originally Posted By: robx
Is this something you can get over? Is she working to regain your trust, to build back the trust?
Yes to both.
Cell phone is unlocked...she let's me know her whereabouts...
I need to work my trust issue individually...I have an IC appointment today so that I can address this. Wife and I had some alone time last night and talked through some things.
She has real family issues...her mom passed 10 years ago and her dad has disowned her. Her uncle had a falling out over inheritance with the cousin that came to visit us and told his mother in law that my wife's cousin was the cause of our then divorce. I talked to her uncle and her dad in July and they both said that her cousin was a scumbag. That played into my reaction Sunday night as well.
So now who do I believe - my wife whom I've spent the last twenty years with or her uncle who is upset about inheritance?
On a positive note, slept in the same bed last night so I'll call that progress.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
IC went well yesterday. Co told me that I was warranted to tell my wife that I was uncomfortable with the jacuzzi situation. Also told me that it seems my wife has a problem with boundaries.
A mutual friend was over last night so I thought that I would sit at the table and join in the conversation. They left and we all went to another friends house in the apt complex and I helped hang some fall decorations. She offered my wife and I some wine so we talked and had a glass of wine until it was time to take the kids home. I took my DD's home and got them into bed asleep. Wife stayed at her friends house for another 1 1/2 hours.
Wife got ready for bed climbed in bed and started pushing my legs away from her. I naturally asked her if something is wrong and she said that she needed some space and I'm not giving it to her. Said that she wanted to talk to her friend alone and that I was being clingy. I told her I was offered a glass of wine and I wanted to drink it so I did and it's irrelevant to me that you wanted some alone time. Keep in mind that my wife stayed another 1 1/2 hours after I left.
I then told my wife "you know what your right I think we both need some space because I have a lot to think about as well and I need to decide if my needs are being met" She responded something to the affect of good luck trying to find someone as good as her. I replied "I could say the same to you" then I rolled over and went to sleep.
Got ready this morning gave my wife a kiss on the cheek and said bye and she responded with bye.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
Have you noticed a pattern when you two have fights? Perhaps the presence of alcohol? Did she have much to drink?
Also, I know that late at night when you're both in bed is an obvious time to have a R talk, but don't. One, you don't want to have R talks right now. Just curb the impulse. Two, you're both tired, both mentally exhausted, and you inevitably will say things that might be phrased differently had you been more alert and aware.
Not to much to drink but when we R talk (which I know we shouldn't) and wine is involved it's hit or miss. Since we started piecing, She has it in her head that she is the one taking me back.
Have plans with a male friend tonight.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
