I cant forgive him, yet. I walk around with accusations ready to form, I block them, dont necessarily express them but it affects my mood, my being, my daily life.
Through this horrible process I realised my love for H was genuine, bigger and stronger than of what I thought myself capable of. Now, I wonder if that is really true. I wonder if pride played a big role all these months/years.
I am jealous of other couples that have "no infidelity" bewteen them. I am feeling this scar 24hrs a day every day. Everything feels...not good enough, not real enough, not pure enough. He feels to me as a man that wasted OUR life and came back without ever being able to make up for these last years.
The lies were told, the hurt was caused, he took away something unilaterely and broke it. What he came back for, is broken. I look at him and see him as someone that felt passion, love for someone else while I was still there, alive and willing. He chose someone over me. No doubts abotu that.
I made mistakes and aknowledged them, tons of them, we both did. We could unmake those, we are improving. BUt..., we cant "unmake" his affair. It happened.
We were sitting at the doc's office yesterday, waiting for the results for my mammogram. He was there, with me, all I could think of was that the last time he was there for someone was for her for the abortion. All I could remember was that 4 years ago he didnt even show up when I faced another scare. Yesterday's experience made that one FEEL so awful. The comparison of how he was then and now, didnt make him look better now in my eyes, it made him look worse back then. Twisted huh?
I dont know if he will keep on accepting my feelings. I know he still hasnt looked me in the eye and asked for forgiveness. I still dont know if he has made a road map in his head to keep us safe in the future. Somehow I feel it is all a matter of luck and I hate that fact.
I am trying to isolate the past and forgive THAT and not confuse it with the future.I know I am missing something from within that will help me move on. I wish I knew what.
