I don't know if there is a "forgiving personality" and an "unforgiving personality", or if everything depends on the situation. Where the spouse is unrepentant, is forgiveness wasted? What about the spouse who can't forgive himself even though his spouse is willing to forgive him? The person who doesn't trust that the other can forgive? Human relations are so complicated and difficult!
I've seen people write, "I'll forgive him if he just comes home--I'm a very forgiving person like that." However, to me that seems more like a bargaining position than genuine forgiveness. To me, forgiveness seems to involve a thorough examination of what a person expects from a healthy relationship, how s/he contributed to the problem, and the determination to lead a healthier life in specific ways. In other words, a "forgiving personality" might stem from a desire to please others, while an "unforgiving personality" could be a form of judging others. So the reason for the forgiveness is paramount.
Is the forgiveness "wasted" if the spouse is unrepentant? From my experience forgiving an unrepentant child molester, the mindset of the "forgiven" is irrelevant--the relief is all for the forgiver. When I got to the point where I was ready to go through the process of forgiving my H (the first few times I had to stop the process because I was still too angry), I didn't tell him what I'd done. Even if the injuring person doesn't know he's forgiven, the injured one is set free. And perhaps the resulting change in your behaviour might help them to begin to forgive themselves?
I've been doing some reading on the Karpman Drama Triangle--quite illuminating stuff. Essentially, some of us carry limiting roles which we learned in childhood into our adult lives. During a crisis we can retreat back into being Victims, Rescuers or Accusers, and tend to switch around on the triangle. (That's why a person having an affair can still feel like they're the victim, as well as trying to "rescue" a very messed-up OP, and hurling accusations at the spouse.)
The spouse who says, "You'll never forgive me for what I did" is unable to give up his Victim position and take responsibility for his own life. Similarly, if he can't forgive himself, he's choosing to stay stuck in the role of his own Accuser.
As LBS, we stay stuck on the triangle if we insist on seeing ourselves as Victims ("I'll never be able to trust anyone again"), Rescuers ("I forgive you because I've always been so much stronger than you") or Accusers ("At least I'VE never had an AFFAIR!"). In all of these cases we're not being completely honest with ourselves about our motivations, or how we gain self-worth from seeing ourselves in that particular way. The only way to leave the triangle (and the dysfunctions in our family of origin) is to forgive.
