How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks all of you.

Pinhead, you are right; I can see the mistakes others are about to fall prey to, but my own nose is too close to the glass. I just can't root out the habit of trusting and expecting good from my H, after so many years, although recent experience should teach me better.

He's someone who's had a major depressive incident in early adolescence (suicide attempt at 10, long period off school) and minor incidents more recently, basically seasonal (every year, from January till May, till the days lengthen, was frequently irritable, anxious, a bit of a hypochondriac, had mood swings). His behaviour this last while is efinitely linked to the affair, to the effect it had on him; it unscrewed his head completely. But I suppose some measure of anxiety (about growing old, never again feeling strong sensations, needing to seduce, needing to express other parts of himself) was there all along. For a (long) while, I calmed and grounded him, he was reassured and content in our lives. He was always anxiously comparing us to others, though - our house, the children, me - and often feeling anxiously jealous. Then I moved ahead professionally, and everything seemed to rock and shake.

He's more pleasant now, but it's on the surface. He's still immensely paranoid - I can't ask him any banal question without his getting cagey and defensive, for example. He parks his car 'round the back so's his Mum can't see him coming or going to this house. When he comes here, he always goes to our room, although there's nothing left in there for him.I'm usually gone, so I just notice a book out of place, the coverlet undone or the window open/closed.

He's also apparently oblivious to the suffering he's caused - to our eldest, to his Mum - she's 74 and has lost 5 or 6 kg in as many months that she didn't need to lose.

He also flies off the handle very quickly, over little. He came here one Saturday lunchtime, had lunch with his Mum, sister, the kids and myself. He was jovial and almost "interested" in me again, sat beside me, asked about school... then came the time to take the 2 youngest with him until Sunday. Our 2nd D stated to cry, didn't want to go. He flew into a rage, started shouting about how he'd have the custody agreement (informal, but regular) put in writing so as I could understand it. I stayed calm, I'm getting used to these outbursts, and anyway, I was on the way out. Calmed our D down and let him at it.

The paranoia, the lack of feeling and the sudden rage make me think he's still "depressed" in some way. Could be codding myself, but whatever gets you through the night...

I have cut contact to a bare minimum, Pinhead - never phone or text unless need to because we're co-parents. But old habits die hard, sometimes I backslide and talk more than I should. I NEVER fight or cry, I'll be da**ed if I'll give him that satisfaction.
However, I'm at the stage where I don't know if I should battle on and wait for my man or give it up as a bad job. Am I free or not? I'm a Christian, I pray for us both. By the Church's teachings, I'm his till death. I've obeyed the "golden rule" always; now I feel a bit of a "golden fool".

I'm GAL and (getting a licence). St Malo is only 50 km from here, Piano, and it was perfect. Indian Summer sun, a "comic strip" (or do you say pictorial novels? = BD) festival lots to see and do and no danger of H anywhere. Put the smile back on my eldest's face. But couples holding hands everywhere. Big lumps of women dressed anyhow being held delicately by the hand. Husbands sitting outside changing rooms to wait and see and help their wives choose clothes... I realize how little I demanded and got from my H once we had kids. He'd never hold my hand or darken the door of a shop, and I dared not ask, though I'd have loved the attention, and I helped him choose clothes. 4Nuff self-pity or you'll all be flooded out.

Work, strangely, though very demanding - lots of problem teens in a problem zone - is keeping me on an even keel. These are kids dying for adults to talk to them and give them attention. Adults who don't drink or swear, are not on prozac or strung out, look clean, smell nice and act calm and benevolent. I find it hard to control certain classes, but so do most of my colleagues, a lot of the time. The kids are very lovable, for all that.

Piano, thanks for the book list. I've actually ordered 2 of them: "Love must be tough" and "the 5 love languages". Am waiting for Amazon to come up with the goods.
NCU