How to tell the kids

[DanF]

Ok, this is going to be WAY TOO LONG for anyone but you and I to read! UST!!

do you mind if i borrow your thread and vent a bit then?

Thanks for venting on my thread. You can do it anytime. I will have to read-up on yours when I get the chance. Maybe tonight. I probably shouldn't comment until I know more about what is going on, but….

like you, the last 10 months has been tough. i haven't spoken to my stbxh in almost 4 months.

Wow. That IS a long time. Sometimes I wish we didn't have any kids so I could do the same. I don’t talk to her at all anymore, except about the kids.

i found out that he had purchased a new home. he's taking possession this friday. i also found out that he upgraded the house to the max. top of the line everything. probably his way of saying "you held me back from having the best in life. now that i'm free of you, i can do whatever i want .. whenever i want .. and have whatever i want."

He can buy a home while a D is pending? Wow. He probably IS trying to stick it in your face.

i have not asked for anything but an even split. he wanted 80% of our assets.

80% certainly doesn't seem fair at all, and unless you had a prenup, I don't think the court will see it that way either.

I don't know what your sitch was when you got into the relationship, but since W and I met in college, neither of us had anything, so I am more than happy to split what we have 50/50. We earned it together and whether I worked more or not, these are decisions we made together. I worked more and she pretty much took care of the kids and the household. She apparently isn't happy with the results of those decisions.

I am more concerned about how everyone is going to live going forward. We are all in for a MAJOR reduction in our standard of living and it makes me sick to see this coming after working so hard for 20 years to build everything we have. We will basically be starting over again in our mid 40's. She says she doesn't care about the money and will somehow "survive", but life isn't supposed to be that way and I am not accepting it for me and my kids.

I don't mind paying for what my kids need, but the child support amounts seem a bit high IMO. Then there is Maintenance / Alimony. Why? She is choosing to leave. Let her pay her own way. She's even refusing to go back to work full-time!

i know this isn't a tit for tat thing .. but i am fighting the urge to do some stupid things.
a) trash his new home. this could land me in jail but it's better than living.
b) go head to head with him and go "bigger and better than his" with my home.
c) take him for all he's worth in the separation agreement and drag this out for as long as i can.

If you have to do one of those, choose C. You still need to detach and don't do anything to get yourself in over your head financially. Get the house you need and don't try to best him. Who cares what he does anymore? Just get what you deserve out of the relationship.

i hate reading these boards and the advice given to men here. how women want men to lead. how women are need to feel secure .. emotionally and financially. that's a bunch of horse manure. men say that women want emotional and financial secure will turn things around and call you a money grubber for wanting those things.

I think there is some truth to it. In fact, I really didn't lead in our relationship. I chose to let her lead and we mostly did what she wanted to do. When asked by a counselor what she wanted from a marriage, she said security and stability. He said, well you got that, didn't you? She didn’t have an answer but just sat threre with a blank look on her face. I would say that she is a money grubber now, because she expects to continue to live off of me while contributing nothing. She continues to get $, what do I get?

i no longer believe that men want to take care of someone. men only care about their own needs and making sure they are able to take more than they need to give. when they feel they are no longer receiving more, they just cut and run with everything.

i am afraid to want emotional and financial security from a man because i believe that nobody will ever want to take care of me. all i ever wanted was for someone to say they wanted to take care of me. that it was better to have me in their life than to not have me.

UST

I don’t know if it is about WANTING to take care of someone. I think women have that need more than men do. I did have needs that I wanted to be met, and I asked for the things I needed. For me, that is/was primarily sexual. I didn’t demand dinner be made and often made myself a sandwich, soup or whatever. I can pretty much take care of myself and be happy. I tried to take care of her needs in the same manner I wanted to be taken care of, but she wanted different things. I get that now, but didn’t back then and she didn’t ask for what she needed, because she “shouldn’t have to.” Right. I am psychic. I thought I was doing the right things and once it was clear to me that I wasn’t, it was too late. It just mad her even more upset when I did what she asked me to do. I was then SMOTHERING her.

I don’t think you SHOULD want to rely on a man for emotional and financial security. I think you need to be secure on your own and that a partner can only further enhance your existing feelings. I can’t make my W happy. That is something you have to do for yourself.

For some men, I think they like to be “players” or whatever you want to call it and they don’t care who it is in their life. For me, I never wanted anything other than to be with my W. I WANT to take care of her and meet her needs, I just need to know what they are. I get pleasure out of helping people and my spouse would be no exception. We had an open checkbook. We did pretty much whatever we wanted to do. Maybe when life gets too easy, it is too easy to find other things to complain about.

Hang in there U Sexy Thang. I know you are strong. I will read-up on your sitch, but I don’t know if I will have good advice to offer or not. I may not be so good at this myself.