Albuquerque living

[Albuquerque]

Thanks for the kind thoughts Eric and TAMF. This has been an interesting few days to say the least. Time for another long journal entry so go get a snack and a drink.

My recent trip to see my family was great. The wedding was a blast and I truly enjoyed myself. My H absence was missed. My brother didn't say anything to me, but my parents were saddened/disappointed. I understood that. I have not passed that on to H because I don't see the value in it. I'm sure he is saddened/disappointed with himself. While visiting, H went through periods where he would text me a lot, and then other times where he seemed to not want to text much. Since he has shown some change to me, I have changed my approach to him slightly and have instigated a few texts TO him unlike before. When he seemed "sullen" (can you seem sullen via text?!), I just let him be. It really didn't bother me.

The night before the wedding, we ended up having a LONG discussion via text. I was glad we did because in a way, it allowed us to finally complete our original conversation that was cut short due to D. He again indicated that he knew he was deeply disturbed. He even went so far as to apologize for the fact that "you were at the epicenter of my nuclear craziness". That really meant a lot to me. I gave him my thoughts on our relationship. I told him that I felt that we were essentially two incomplete people during our marriage. Our reliance on each other, while romantic to start with, can end up feeling burdensome years later. I told him that I had used this opportunity to grow in the areas I felt needed addressing. And that a new relationship would need to consist of two WHOLE people who can enhance each other's lives rather than DEPEND on each other. He indicated to me that he was afraid that I might not like the real him. I told him that I couldn't answer that question but I welcomed to opportunity to meet the real him when he was ready. (Again, considered broaching OW but still didn't feel it was time). Again, he stated that he saw true change in me and still felt I'd be better off with someone else. I told him that at the moment, I was not looking for that. I told him that I had not stopped loving him and was OK waiting to see what the future held. In a roundabout way he asked if I had been seeing anyone and in a blunt way I responded that no I hadn't and that I had no doubt he had. Then I went on and discussed something else. I'm sure he caught my meaning but decided not to discuss it so I let it go. As it was close to 3 am, our conversation just kind of stopped.

Well yesterday was our usual post martial arts class sushi dinner night. My H had already told me he was queasy and didn't feel like sushi but opted to go anyway for the company. I asked if he was ill and he said no, I'm just crazy (meaning that his anxiety/depression issues were at fault, not a stomach bug or anything). He just had fried rice while we had our usual. And again, we stood by the cars after dinner and chatted. Both of us had had way too much sake and we needed to kind of metabolize anyhow. We both ended up sitting next to each other on the hood of my car while my D tried ignoring our silly behavior and was listening to her music. My H and I quickly stopped having any personal space as we discussed music stuff and we ended up having a make out session (much to my surprise and delight). The make out session quickly advanced to where H was grinding on me and I had to point out that D was right there! He stopped and we both looked and she had her back to us (I think she probably saw us and was embarassed and possibly happy to see us acting like teenagers). H went back to the make out session and asked me in a hushed voice whether I wanted him to follow me home. And I knew he meant follow me to bed. As much as I wanted to, I told him that wouldn't be good to do without a conversation (meaning I needed to get the OW issue out in the open). He didn't ask what I meant by that but still held me tight and then said good night and said good night to D.

The moment I arrived home, he texted me and asked me to text him to make sure I got home safe. I responded that I had. That started another long texting conversation. He started off my apologizing for his drunken forwardness. And DING DING DING, I finally felt like the time was right. I told him I didn't mind at all. But I was not willing to be the "other woman" in any situation, that was something he needed to figure out, and that I apologized for giving into temptation. He responded with

"heh. Other woman"

Me - "It is what it is"

Him - "Hmmm"

Me - "I shouldn't play that role no matter how "deserving" I may feel I am of you. It's not fair"

Him - "Well I guess we need a conversation then"

Me - "Any time you are ready"

The texting conversation went on for awhile about our past issues but surprisingly NOT about the OW issue that he didn't really admit to but certainly didn't deny. Eventually, he said he would just call since it was easier. The conversation started back up dealing with the OW issue. He started off by saying that he had been troubled for the past month wondering how I would take "things". I told him that I was aware of the situation. He asked me how long. I told him I knew for sure after a trip he took to Key Largo. He thought for a moment trying to figure when that was. Then he said "yeah I guess it was around that time". Internally, I was relieved that my instincts had been correct all along.

He told me that when all this internal turmoil started happening to him in January, he knew he had to make changes. And he looked at it with the perspective that he needed to figure out how to be happy without me because he didn't feel like he was making me happy and he sure wasnt happy. He said he didn't have intentions of starting anything with anyone but knew it was a possibility. He had been honest and flat out told me that back in February. He said at the time of the Key Largo trip, he felt like our marriage was over except for the paperwork (which he admitted was still important). But he said, "whenever I would look at the paperwork, I would get a panic attack and have to take Xanax". He said that he started to realize that he really wasn't any happier, any more fulfilled, any better. And so he started changing his thinking from "how do I become happy without Alb, to, how can I become happy WITH Alb". He said the changes he noticed in me were a big factor and the communication was the key. He again said that the simple conversation we had prior to his short road trip was the clincher. That it flowed so well and that I was able to have disagreements with him without being disagreeable. He said it got him thinking that there's no one else that he can have a conversation with like that. I told him I felt the same way about him.

The conversation eventually flowed back to some of the problems that we had in our marriage and how things could potentially be different. I stated that he was a self-admitted workaholic and my love language is quality time. So I ended up frustrated a lot of the time, but didn't feel right demanding more time since he always seemed to be doing work FOR us. I guess I felt it kind of selfish. And so I convinced myself I was OK with it, but deep down, I wasn't and I think that affected the way I dealt with him in other ways. He said that I should be more assertive about demanding his time and that would help. I disagreed with him slightly on that. I told him that while it may help the situation on a short term basis, it still ends up with him(and me) relying on ME to make the situation better. And that without internal work of his own on that issue, it would likely lead to frustration and resentment in the future. But I also agreed that some action on my part could certainly help. All in all, it was an interesting discussion. He apologized again for everything, which meant a lot. Interestingly enough though, he chose not to spend much time discussing the OW. I didn't push it either. I told him that I had no expectations of him and didn't expect him to be making any difficult choices right now. I told him it took us a long time to get to this point and it will take a long time to heal if we choose to go down that path.

So where am I now? I feel much better. Not because my H seems to be making changes (although that's a great change to see), but because I finally feel like I can be completely honest with H. The OW issue is out in the open. I don't know if he realizes I KNOW who she is. And as respectful as I'm trying to be to her (since I don't know what kind of stories he's told her about the situation), I can't help but feel a wicked sense of victory that despite the "newness and funness" of their relationship, she still left him sad, depressed and lonely, and looking to ME. SCORE! I'm also happy that I had a slight make out session. It's been a long time and it felt GOOOOOOOD But there are still a lot of unanswered questions. I don't know what he will do about the OW. I will respect his privacy on that, but I will continue to watch and observe. I will not succumb to temptation and know that I have the strength to do that despite a long dry spell, the emotions of having H wanting me back and the effects of alcohol.

I see genuine change in him. He is making himself at home when visiting us more. He continues to lock the door when he leaves. He cleaned up the litterbox after our trip. He took out the trash without me asking. The little things that seem to indicate he is emerging from his fog. But he is still very troubled. I think the realization that I already knew about OW and could still talk to him in a conversational fashion with no bitterness helped him a lot. He didn't say so, but I got that sense from him and think that it may have taken a great load off his mind. But I know that if he does choose to break things off with her, it will not be easy. He's developed quite a web of friends from her and from knowing him, I know he doesn't like to have people NOT like him. So it won't be a pretty picture. But he has to lie in the bed he made.

I admit I am becoming more hopeful.