Not sure where to start or end, WAW? - #3

[john28]

you need to re-read divorce busting. you are not following any of MWD's advice.

Doing so tonight. Stat.

I've got a little control over the sitch right now, even though it may be an illusion it is how I feel. This is the most opportune moment to revisit DR.

Thanks, Steve!

[john28]

Just a quick update. I didn't get the chance to read DR again last night, something else happened. I was in the grocery store and this girl that I've seen there many times came up to me and introduced herself, said she sees me in there alot and just had to come say hi.

I flirted a little bit, it's the most interest I've had in 6 months from someone of the opposite sex. She was giddy flirty, really hot, probably in her mid 20's and was completely opposite of what my W is. It was weird, but I felt somewhat empowered by this weird occurrence. At the end of the short 5 minute conversation she wrote down her email address and gave it to me, said that since I lived nearby and we went to the same gym we should catch up some time and work out together.

My W hasn't worn her wedding ring in almost 2 months. I've worn mine out of respect for her and our M, but last night was the first time I felt like taking it off for good. Through this experience I've learned to have a higher sense of integrity, and wearing my wedding ring seemed to be a lofty value i thought I wanted to have.

So, I go home, and I end up sending her an email saying thanks for the recommendation on the type of rice that I was looking for and that it turned out well and was scrumptious. Later she started chatting me up and we chatted somewhat off and on that night. I found her making some moves on me and that felt pretty good. It was definitely a confidence booster - because for ONCE in almost HALF A YEAR someone was interested in me as a person. They thought I was good looking, had a great sense of humor, and seemed like a nice guy. All those things I've been working on so hard for myself and no one else, someone else noticed.

I guess all that gave me the power today to feel more confident in myself and I ended up not taking any of the 4 calls my W placed to me today. When I did call her at s4's bedtime, I was upbeat after letting him off the phone and in bed and spoke to her. She sounded down and lonely, I could feel it - but I knew that she was testing me again. I didn't bite, but I did ask her about her day, and she was giving one word answers. I said that nothing new was with me, but for her to have a good night. She seemed hesitant to get off the phone, and I have in the past not LOVINGLY detached from her but just been mean. I made a point to ask her about one other thing this week, which she had a one word answer to. I just told her goodnight nicely and hung up the phone.

I am slowly detaching, getting there day by day. But the meeting of the stranger in the grocery store who is smoking freakin' hot did give me a confidence boost I haven't had in a very, very long time. Probably years.

[john28]

And just now I sign on to FB and she's posted a quote from a book that I've written to her back when we started having problems. It was a quote from Cormac McCarthy's book "The Road". I wrote this quote in several letters that I know she has with her - in which I talk about how dedicated I will be to her and how we'll figure this all out.

And now she posts that on FB. The exact quote. The lines are about how there is something inside of us that we never knew was there, but we carry it with us. Then, someone else always knows it's been there and they remind us that it is real even though we can't see it.

Hrm... I think it's another test.

[pookie69]

And just now I sign on to FB and she's posted a quote from a book that I've written to her back when we started having problems. It was a quote from Cormac McCarthy's book "The Road". I wrote this quote in several letters that I know she has with her - in which I talk about how dedicated I will be to her and how we'll figure this all out.

And now she posts that on FB. The exact quote. The lines are about how there is something inside of us that we never knew was there, but we carry it with us. Then, someone else always knows it's been there and they remind us that it is real even though we can't see it.

Hrm... I think it's another test.

It's not a test.

She's toying with you again.

Don't fall to that trap. Be cool - cucumber cool.

[john28]

I've stayed dark for 4 days so far, the longest I've done ever.

W hasn't really responded to it, which is fine with me. She does sound sad on the phone when I gleefully hang up. I really don't want to talk to her for once. It is a very weird feeling. I miss her alot, but somehow I don't want the drama she causes me.

I think my perspective is starting to shift. The girl I met at the grocery store the other night turns out to be alot like me. We texted back and forth through the day about nonsense, but I soon figured out she's a "feeler" just like me. It was comforting to find someone with the same LL as I have. Pretty odd actually, at this time.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that a lot of the things I desire in a relationship my W never gave to me. I'm very much a sensitive, loving, caring, feeling kind of guy. She never wanted to cuddle ever. She never wanted to tell me I looked good in my clothes, or that I smelled good. She always complained. About everything. I never felt really appreciated. She never came up behind me and gave me a huge hug and kissed the back of my neck the invited me into the bedroom. Never. And those are the kind of things that I need. Really, I NEED those kind of things.

Why was I so blind before? Why was I so hung up on this that I couldn't see that I've been lurching after something that never really fulfilled me?

I think for once in this whole entire sitch, I realize what she must have felt before the bomb. How terrible it must have been to carry this around for such a long time.

[pinhead]

Why are you talking to your W on the phone if you've "gone dark?"

[hurtinhartford]

Same question as Pin...why answer the phone?

[john28]

I only answer the phone when it is bedtime for our kid and he calls. After he gets off the phone we've always chatted in the past. If I didn't chat and just hung up on her it wouldn't be good - she'd see that as "more of the same". I don't really talk much. Just chit chat, but in the past I've always tried to draw out that conversation. I haven't done that.

I think in 4 days I've spoken to her only 4 times, then for only 5 minutes each. This is a far cry from what used to happen - probably 2-3 times a day for 15-30 minutes each time.

I can just feel the sadness on the phone from her when I don't talk much. I'm not sure what to do.

[pinhead]

This isn't going dark. This is more of the same. Answer the phone when she calls, put your son on, let her say goodnight schnookums to him, then say goodnight to her. THEN HANG UP. YOU ARE NOT HER CHAT BUDDY...

Let her feel the sadness of losing you.

[john28]

Pin - that's basically what is happening. There is only a simple "how was your day?" question, but nothing more.

I'm in a catch22 here. She complained so much about not spending time with me or me taking time for her to value her and hear about her day before the bomb. Yet, if I do that now it is pursuing. That is what i mean by more of the same.

I think you had a similar issue early on too, Pinhead?