GAG and Beatrice thanks so much for your words of wisdom. I love hearing the perspective of others. I am incredibly tired tonight...feel like I've been through the wringer but just wanted to say thanks and let you know where things are at. I will be back tomorrow to respond more fully to your thoughts.
So this morning I had an issue with downloading a program. I sent H a text and he rang me back and talked me through it. He made mention of the settlement and once again I repeated the well worn mantra. He said, "I don't even know what the document is that you're referring to" I wanted to say that's because you haven't bothered to ask to see it! Still, he made no mention of a time or date to see it.
Anyway he sent me a message later to say he made some pasta sauce and did I want any. I called there on my way home from work (he lives nearby). The conversation went to the bonfire of yesterday and I reiterated that I just wanted to move forward and over the pain of the past. H agreed. He told me not to get too caught up on the divorce cos it's just a piece of paper. I tried to hear what he was saying without being too rigid in my thinking. Within all this he said he wanted to be friends and wanted to move forward and he thought by his actions he had shown that and that he had used actions instead of words. He said he had no direction in life at the moment and was doing the best he could(no permanent job). He also threw into the convo that he might move in with ow down the track. I tried to validate and affirm him as much as I could but as soon as there was mention of ow I was very clear that moving in with her would most definitely mean he would never see or hear from me again.
I told D about the possibility of him moving in with her 'down the track' to get her reaction. D laughed and said, "What's with that? He'll never do that cos then he'd never see any of us and anyway, he would have done it ages ago if he was going to." (Kids refuse to have anything to do with ow)
Anyway I think ow moving in is just a line that says I haven't made you any promises. I am leaving my options open. Interesting.
As I left we hugged and he kissed me on the cheek. He called out after me to drive safely (it's been raining).
After dinner I sent him a message "thanks for dinner. It was nice. Going to have an early night. bye" "He replied, "No worries. Good idea to get some decent sleep. Sweet dreams." Sweet dreams....hmmmm, never had that before.
As I typed this he sent another message to ask me for my opinion on a current job vacancy.
So this is MLC....picture it....... H has one foot in the door and the other just outside the door but in the running 'get away' position!
Your H is finding that he is enjoying being back in your company and good graces. THIS SCARES HIM...He did not expect to find himself in this place again.
In turn (and this is his guilt and fear talking)...HE IS TRYING TO PUSH YOU AWAY with the talk of the divorce once again AND the mention of moving in with OW. If he pushes you away, he's off the hook. This is not what he really wants. Your latest post proves that for sure....
OMG, if he could only hear himself!!! This is actually foolish talk, HE knows he will not move in with her. Your D is right, he has had ample time and numerous invites (I'm Positive), They don't want to move in with them (I know this first hand, my H has had the same opportunities-5 years worth-Where is he? Still living at our Trucking Company office, homeless!! Of his own free will and choice!!)
I know your H loves you very deeply, the only thing keeping him moving forward is his pride along with a heavy dose of fear.
They also do not understand how we can be so kind to them after all they have done and this confuses the h*ll of of them. I think life would be so much easier for them if we were flaming b*tches to them 24/7. After all, this is what they thought they left...only this is not what is. What is, is what was. They left in a MLC mind that was telling them we were the bad guys and life would be grand if they could only get away from us. Their thoughts convinced them that they had to run away. Now they find themselves wanting to run back....They now see the women they fell in love with in the first place (we were here all along). They see their lovely families and warm cozy homes. The things that they want, they already have.
They don't want these OW.
I hear him say "divorce is only a piece of paper".
IMO, It's not!! A divorce is a state of being generally where one spouse wants to be free of the other. A divorce does not have to be permanent, but more often than not it becomes so. A divorce is painful. A divorce causes animosity and hatred even if those feelings were not in place at the beginning.
I hear the same as your H has said. This is the MLC mind telling them that they have come this far with us and are friends therefore that will remain in tact. Just as for us, this is a huge LRT for them, one not to be taken for granted. You're either in or you're out.
For me, my H has pushed me too far, LRT is not a joke. I am in pain and I can't excuse the pain any longer. I see my H waffling without talking. I see him looking at me with a twinkle in his eye. I see him lingering when he is here. I see a man filled with fear. It's not the money talking anymore, he doesn't care about that. I see him struggling with thoughts....I see a man who has royally screwed up everything and knows it.
To me they get to a point where they can be the fixer, they just can't take the step. That is the shameful reality they face. To mask their pain they continue to throw divorce and/or OW in our face. Some continue to spew venom. Others, like mine, think they can call or pop by unannounced, assuming the "I'm your friend" role. They live in denial of their real feelings. They live in denial about the truths we have told them about our feelings.
Back to advice, follow his leads, wrap him in warmth, it was wonderful that you took his offer for pasta sauce. That made him feel good that he was doing good for you.
To me the one who is going to leave the marriage for sure will without looking back and will end the marriage rather quickly.
The one who waffles does not really want to leave. It takes them time to figure this out. Our behaviors definitely dictate their decisions. In the end, it's their choice or ours. In my case I took the choice away from H. If I were you, and had just experienced such a resurgence of connection from my H, I would stay and wait and watch with patience. I think they are the ones who are most likely to return. They are seeking the better option, be the better option.
((((Hugs)))) Cas, you are the better option, your H knows this and loves you.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Your H is finding that he is enjoying being back in your company and good graces. THIS SCARES HIM...He did not expect to find himself in this place again.
I agree. He initiates as much as I do nowadays. He's more reliant on me for advice. He's comfortable...the day at swimming was a great example.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
HE IS TRYING TO PUSH YOU AWAY with the talk of the divorce once again AND the mention of moving in with OW.
Yes, yes......push me away and keep the distance....give some more time. This is an ongoing game but the time span has changed. Three years ago it was warmer, warmer, oh oh too close, explosion, distance for weeks. Now it's warmer, warmer, oh oh too close, gentle push back, attempts to reposition and distance but quick to return. I think ow is almost a protection for him as well. She's his excuse for not getting too close to me.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
I know your H loves you very deeply, the only thing keeping him moving forward is his pride along with a heavy dose of fear.
H tells me he loves me as a friend. That's a HUGE acknowledgement. Fear....guess so.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
I hear him say "divorce is only a piece of paper". IMO, It's not!! A divorce is a state of being generally where one spouse wants to be free of the other. A divorce does not have to be permanent, but more often than not it becomes so. A divorce is painful. A divorce causes animosity and hatred even if those feelings were not in place at the beginning.
I agree but if I think about it H and I were more divorced 3 years ago than now. He has a point. The slate is clear.
Thanks again Sanderika. I appreciate the time and energy you give to posting. Your warmth and integrity glow like a beacon.
Glad to hear you are getting some positive vibes from H. I believe Sanderika is right. If you are anything like me, you never were a flaming biotch, they just made you out to be one in their mind.
I'll be watching your post carefully to see how your H tippy toes around 'fixing' himself. Good for you.
Not too much to report but small positives, I guess.
H usually takes D to morning swimming but today I had to cos he had to work overnight. D got a text saying he was back early and could take her so I could sleep in a bit.
Tonight H sent another job advert to ask my opinion.
We had an external review process at work today. H asked how it went. Small steps but still positive.
I agree but I still can't help wondering if I'm just putting off the inevitable. Sometimes I feel like I should just go there with the paperwork so that it's no longer hanging over my head. All this time my H has convinced me I was stalling things and 'putting my head in the sand' about the divorce and now I realise he was! I'm sure it will eventuate cos H is going to need to buy a business to give him employment.
Last night S told me that my mum and S met for lunch. She told him that she was pleased H went to swimming (told me that too) and that she thought I was going to invite him for Christmas and she agreed that I should. I was surprised cos my parents have had nothing to do with H and have said they wouldn't ever want to. Time is an extraordinary healer, I guess.
And no, I haven't invited H for Christmas but this convo did make me wonder if I should mention to H that my family is receptive to seeing him again.
I still can't help wondering if I'm just putting off the inevitable. Sometimes I feel like I should just go there with the paperwork so that it's no longer hanging over my head. All this time my H has convinced me I was stalling things and 'putting my head in the sand' about the divorce and now I realise he was!
Confusion = MLC
If you are giving yourself advice. Please DO NOT listen to yourself.
Unless you want a divorce then it is great advice.
