This is updated version of my first post posted on Separated in August, but seems my thread disappeared in last forum shutdown. Anyway, since then my sitch changed to the worse, so please read and respond. I am so down and need all possible help.
So here is my present sitch: we are both 47, college sweethearts, together 27 years, married 23, with one DD, 22. On 07/27/10 my H told me he wants a divorce. A day earlier I went to my hometown to visit my uncle's family with my DD, and when I came back next day he was not at home. I texted him to ask where he is and he replied he is at the dropzone, will go to his mother's later and come home tomorrow. Then we have to talk seriously, he said. I called him and insisted that we talk immediately and he finally agreed to meet me in my office in half an hour.
Told me he wants a divorce and "please lets finish this amicably and ASAP". Said he can't be with me any more, can't stay in our house any more, feels suffocated and have an urge to run away. Its ok when he is alone or with DD, but if we're alone than he feels he wants out. He also told me he starts to feel depressed again, dark thoughts about suicide started to creep his mind again, and he found himself thinking about what would happen if i.e. my airplane crash and he finds himself alone with DD….". He said I don't love you as a woman any more, but I love you as a friend, as mother of my child, I respect you and highly admire you for your strenght and courage to leave a secure public job to run your own company." When I aske when did you recognise that you don't love me any more, he said don't know, maybe six months ago, but at first I didn't want to admit it to myself. He said there is nobody else in the picture, he is just miserable and can't be with me any more.
What could I do? I told him I will agree on divorce if this is what he really wants, but I asked him to first look for some professional help for himself (having depression issues in mind), to recognise what is bothering him and address it, to define his goals and priorities in life and be clear what he really wants for himself , and then, if he still wanted a divorce, I will sign. He agreed, imeediately, and said yes, I will, I owe you that, at least that. We agreed he will not proceed with filing or any other action to divorce for now, till he comes to conslusions and then we will talk "with cold heads".
So where we are today? He didn't come home after this conversation, stayed at his mom, but didn't move out his stuff either – just took his laptop and one bag of summer clothes, and few other neccessary items. Majority of his possessions, all his hobby stuff, and at least half of his wardrobe stayed at home. He seemed very depressed all those two months of separation, but showed a great concern about my and D's well being, if we miss anything, do we have money etc.
Our communication was rare, no affection at all, but he confided in me some of his health issues and informed me about checkup results. We also spoke a bit about his studying for the last exam to MSc graduate. He stayed true to his word to look for professional help and found a therapist – and then hell loose. After 2 or 3 sessions, on 09/30/10 he texted me „Can we meet, it's time to have a talk“. We met some 15 min later and he told me „I can't return home any more, I want to proceed with D. It is my final decision, and don't even try to persuade me to change it. There is nothing you can do to make me change my decision. I'm done, I have to save myself as I gaain came to the verge of suicide. I'm dying inside…“.
I asked him not to drag me at courts now, to give me some space and time to be able to work on my final thesis and him to work on his, as this is crucial for both of us, we have strict and coming deadlines. He was very adamant that he must go forward, this is the only way to go for him, but somehow it stayed „in the air“ when we finished conversation. He asked to stay friends, and even told we're going to help each other with thesis work.
Since then, I barely heard from him, only two e-mails, not affectionate but not cold either, rather calmed down. Both about some financial issues and him asking if I can prepare some clothes for him, as its getting cold and he needs his suits for a business travel. He says he can't come into appartment, the closest he comes is in the front of the building, he avoids to see me and to talk to me, but if I call he answers. I asked him is it difficult for you to come in appartment and to see me and he said yes. So I suggested to leave garments in his car. One I did, and the second ttime he needed something he asked me to give it to D to hand him out when they meet.
He sent some money every month, texts to D or calls her every day, spend quite a time with her, but always away from home. Now he invited her to accompany him at his next business trip to Norway in November.
The only info I managed to get from him about what happened is that we hurt each other so badly in those last 10 years since he came home after his A that there is nothing left for us. He complained that I never let go and that I checked up on him and followed him. Partially this is true, but only when he lied big time to me, when I wanted to reassure myself that I'm not going crazy but he really lies. But I let go a long time ago.
I just don't know what to do, I love him dearly, and would turn the world upside down for us. I don't want to lose him and our family, I don't believe he doesn't love me any more, because I've seen so many expressions of love from him just recently, just days before he left.
I try to keep myself going on, but honestly, I am at such a low point now that I barely function. Is there a hope? He already moved out once, 10 years ago, and returned back after 6 months. Then we had OW in picture, this time there is nobody and I'm sure about it. Is there a hope this time?
Thank you all for reading and bearing with me, I so much need a support now.
Sky's Wife
Me:48 H:48 M:23, T:27 DD 24 Bomb 1 07/27/10,IDLY,moved out without notice while I was at funeral Bomb 2 09/30/10, "I can't return home, I want D" Found out OW in picture since 07/09 D'd: 04/01/11
Sky, I can read how much you are hurting and want this to work out. Listen to what you husband is telling you - he doesn't like himself. Thoughts of suicide, he doesn't think he deserves you (has he forgiven himself for the A?), he has left his hobbies behind, he is living with his Mom.... Don't pressure him at all. Don't try to reason with him, he is letting his emotions run his life - so validate how he feels.
Take care of yourself. Manage your energy. Get a support network, you have pets? Do things for other people. Make a list of what you are grateful for. Read the Serenity prayer.
What is your realtionship with your MIL like?
You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well, I am guilty of some pleading and reasoning, but I stopped that very night. I was being positive and supportive in the past two months and thought it would be a bit easier for him when he starts therapy and that he would gradually come to recognize that its not me or our M that is the problem, but other issues, that, of course reflect on our R too.
Now I am giving him space, don't initiate contact, but try to DB and do 180 as much as I could being separated. And honestly, I am grateful for not having any D talk in the last 10 days, as my agenda is full ( I own and run a company and have to be able to work), but my head is still spinning.
Yes, I have pets, 3 cats and a bunny, they are my joy. I have few good friends too, they have been a tremendous support, but too often they drain me by trying to convince me that I should kick him out of my life and get some peace for me finally.
Relationship with my MIL, well, that's a bit complicated. But to make long story short, this time, and I have to say it was the first time in our married life, she approached me and told me that nothing can happen to me, I am a member of the family and I will always be regardless of what he decides. She cried with me, but stays firm that she is not going to interfere, but will be here only to support and help. She is 70, in cancer remission now, and I'm sure this is not what she needs. However, I appreciate her gesture.
Sky
Me:48 H:48 M:23, T:27 DD 24 Bomb 1 07/27/10,IDLY,moved out without notice while I was at funeral Bomb 2 09/30/10, "I can't return home, I want D" Found out OW in picture since 07/09 D'd: 04/01/11
I am struggling with one question, maybe thats only my desperation speaking out of me: even when he dropped the D bomb#2 12 days ago and so firmly sticked to divorcing me is the only option, he still plays this game of not being able to come over here and pick up his stuff. Yet another time he asked for only what he needs at the moment (a jacket and shirts).
I feel like he has a total control over situation and it hurts. Should I allow this or just tell him to be a man and come over to pick all his belongigns if this is what he decided, and stop stringing me around? Is setting firm boundaries in such a situation counterproductive? I still can't make myself do it.
Sky
Me:48 H:48 M:23, T:27 DD 24 Bomb 1 07/27/10,IDLY,moved out without notice while I was at funeral Bomb 2 09/30/10, "I can't return home, I want D" Found out OW in picture since 07/09 D'd: 04/01/11
Have you checked into any information about Mid-Life Crisis? So much of what you describe about your H sounds so familiar as a MLC.
Depression is a hallmark and permeates throughout the crisis.
Lots of great info on the MLC board. If you haven't already maybe you want to go over there and have a look and read some of the resources. See if anything rings true about your H. Let us know if you have any questions.
Gucci, what makes you think there is OW again? I can't say 100% there isn't, I believed when he said there is nobody else this time, simply because I haven't seen any signs whatsoever, except for withdrawal. Just curious...
Sky
Me:48 H:48 M:23, T:27 DD 24 Bomb 1 07/27/10,IDLY,moved out without notice while I was at funeral Bomb 2 09/30/10, "I can't return home, I want D" Found out OW in picture since 07/09 D'd: 04/01/11
When someone leaves their house without taking most of their belongings, just clothes and bare necessities, it's usually because they're sleeping over at another persons house; ergo, an affair. He's cheated on you once. The likelihood that he's cheating again is pretty high. You can't take him at his word.
You need to find out.
Best strategy in this case is to focus on yourself; GAL, DB like crazy, all the usual stuff you hear on these forums. Don't involve your MIL, that'll push him away further.
All signs point to an A, even if there is no evidence. He left abruptly, took next to nothing, doesn't want to talk to you at all, and refuses any kind of work on the M. He chalks it up to "damage done for the last 10 years" and wants to move full speed ahead.
95% of the time with signs like that, especially from a man, there is an A.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Thanks pinhead and john28. I guess I dread even thinking of yet another affair, as there were 3 already in our married life - 2 EA and 1 EA&PA, the one to which he refers now. He did move out abruptly, but said that he didn't come to this decision lightly, that he's been contemplating this for some time, even tried to provoke some fights hoping that I would drop the D bomb.
His words are so not matching his actions, not even in this very last period before leaving. True, when I look back hard, and analyze his words immediately after leaving, I find some of them very confusing, i.e. "why can't I be like some typical guys, beer drinking sports fan couch potatos who can have casual sex aside here and there and not make an issue out of that, don't even think about it, let alone having any guilt?"
When I think about it now, I might come to a conclusion that he is depressed and feel guilty because he doesn't like himself for what he is (again??) doing to me. I just don't know... seems that he spends most of the afterwork hours either at his mom's or at the dropzone skydiving.
Sky
Last edited by Sky's Wife; 10/12/1004:38 PM. Reason: typos
Me:48 H:48 M:23, T:27 DD 24 Bomb 1 07/27/10,IDLY,moved out without notice while I was at funeral Bomb 2 09/30/10, "I can't return home, I want D" Found out OW in picture since 07/09 D'd: 04/01/11
