How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[hurtinhartford]

I had a great time. My W emailed me during my vacation asking if I retained a L. I did not answer until I got back and told her that she neede to retain a L. She then emailed me once or twice more asking if she should get a L and then assumed I wanted to speed up the D process and let her know otherwise....strange comment. Anyway, I have not heard from her for about a week so I am assuming that she is finding a L...who knows and I really do not care. I will let her do all of the dirty work.

[NotCrackingUp]

Hi Hurtinhartford.
Glad you're ok.
Question for you: at this stage, what would be your reaction if your wife suddenly wanted back in? Are you still DBing or have you given it up as a bad job?

I manage to go long periods without cracking up, then it all hits me again. Can't get his recent coldness and cruelty out of my mind, in contrast to the man I once had children with, shared everything with.I'm stil wearing my ring, but he's just said he doesn't consider me as his wife anymore, in practically the same breath as he asked me to go halves on mending HIS car. "She's" letting him down and costing him a bomb - good old Peugeot! In another breath he told me he was happy out in his flat, meeting loads of people... and anyway he'd have to give 3 months' notice before leaving it. Doesn't see himself coming back "for the present". Feels good to do his own thing etc. Yet he won't talk to his eldest (" a pity she's so stubborn" - she's only 13!), won't talk to his mother, avoids his family.

I don't know what to think. He's no longer nasty, looks at me and even seems pleased enough to see me. Knows I'm never free (always have one D with me) as he is, checks out what I do.

I've got to the stage where if he came back tomorrow, it'd take me a very long time to even be comfortable in his company, not to mention ML. He just broke everything into too many pieces. o I can identify with Pinhead, who seems to be wanting to step back now that his W is mending fences (albeit in a lukewarm way).

I still want to DB, but don't believe in it now. I read and re-read the book, but it all seems hopeless. I could grow an extra head or get a Nobel Prize, I could do all kinds of U-turns and have done, he still wouldn't give a tinker's curse, or so it seems. It's just about dealing with children, money troubles (his, now he's shelved the goose that laid the golden eggs) and HIM, HIM,HIM.

Can someone really change so radically after an affair (your woman is history, apparently, after all the flowers, jewellery and undying love)? Can what was once love (it WAS there) turn to disrespect, contempt, manipulation and rejection? I wasn't perfect but I really, sincerely loved him and did nothing to deserve this from him.

I have a feeling the only thing that MIGHT make him come back towards me is jealousy, if he thought s.o. else was going to take his place. Who wants to go playing that sort of game?

Just feeling low tonight - lonely, unloved. Maybe he never cared a jot for me, was a selfish b****rd frm day one, but I didn't see it? Maybe I brought it all on myself? I need some guidance if I'm to continue DBing.
Thanks,
NCU

[hurtinhartford]

Hey NCU,

Believe me I had my episodes of being down, but I soon realized that the duration was shorter and the episodes were farther between. I am still GALing by going to the gym and I had a great weekend with my youngest son.

Your questions is a good one and one that I have not thought about in a long time. I guess my first reaction would be to understand her motivation for wanting to come back. If it sounded legit then there would have to be a lot of work on her part. I still love her, but I realize that I do not need her to be happy. I have been doing pretty good the last few months without her. In fact, I think I am a lot happier now than I have been in the last year and a half.


My sitch is easier than yours in that my W forced me to detach due to her darkness. Your H who is both arrogant and insecure is still hanging around you and keeping you pinned up by not allowing you to have your own free time. My W never had an A while we were M. If that would have been the case I would have reacted like she did and move on due to the lack of trust. My W had to wait until she had her career set and that she was financially secure. I hold no grudges against my W she did what she thought she needed to do to be happy.

[hurtinhartford]

NCU,

It took me a while to grasp this concept of DBing. Remember you are DBing for yourself...to make you whole and not for your H or your M. You have to accept that your M is over because it is as it existed in the past.

Please do not get pulled in when H is overly pleasant because that sets you for immense hurt when he becomes cold again. It also prevents you from progressing in detaching yourself from him.

[pookie69]

HIH

what's new?

Update your thread.

[pinhead]

NCU,

How much interaction do you have with H? I know it's tough with three kids who need to see their dad, but I would recommend cutting back on the contact as much as possible.

And HIH is right, DB is about you! Sure it's a strategy that might win back a wayward spouse, or revitalize a troubled marriage. But it's really about learning about yourself.

I see your advice to others, and like me, you're good at applying it to everything but your own situation!

Find a sitter. Go out at night, do something fun. Don't let yourself sit around feeling unloved! You have three children who love you, and it's your H's loss that he's not enjoying life with you.

[Piano]

Hi NCU, St Malo is beautiful & Bretagne one of my favourite regions. Did you have fun at your festival? I know you don't need a car so much over there, but you will certainly be able to get off the beaten track and get out more with one.
I am also dealing with a H who has turned arrogant, cold and cruel (in actions more than words) overnight. From all the reading I have done, and from this forum, I've understood that to be a direct result of the affair. It's as though the WAS has a history of unhappiness and resentment brewing under the surface and then the unfair unleashes it. They become literally 'alien' to us.
I know how disheartening this whole process can seem but it definitely sounds like he is warming up (the 'bises' are a good thing.... maybe he'll be less adversarial with you now that OW is gone and life on his own is not so cosy).
I won't hijack your thread with an update (I've been asked by the moderators to start a new one), but essentially WH is back with OW in France and I haven't heard from him in weeks.

[Piano]

I've read some pretty good books in the last 10 months... since you are a reader, perhaps you know how to get a hold of these titles. Might be something here for you:
I Love You But I Am Not In Love With you - Andrew Marshall
Mating in Captivity - Esther Perel
Love Must Be Tough - James Dobson
The 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman
The Gift of Betrayal - Eva Wood

[hurtinhartford]

Okay, but nothing new to report.

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks all of you.

Pinhead, you are right; I can see the mistakes others are about to fall prey to, but my own nose is too close to the glass. I just can't root out the habit of trusting and expecting good from my H, after so many years, although recent experience should teach me better.

He's someone who's had a major depressive incident in early adolescence (suicide attempt at 10, long period off school) and minor incidents more recently, basically seasonal (every year, from January till May, till the days lengthen, was frequently irritable, anxious, a bit of a hypochondriac, had mood swings). His behaviour this last while is efinitely linked to the affair, to the effect it had on him; it unscrewed his head completely. But I suppose some measure of anxiety (about growing old, never again feeling strong sensations, needing to seduce, needing to express other parts of himself) was there all along. For a (long) while, I calmed and grounded him, he was reassured and content in our lives. He was always anxiously comparing us to others, though - our house, the children, me - and often feeling anxiously jealous. Then I moved ahead professionally, and everything seemed to rock and shake.

He's more pleasant now, but it's on the surface. He's still immensely paranoid - I can't ask him any banal question without his getting cagey and defensive, for example. He parks his car 'round the back so's his Mum can't see him coming or going to this house. When he comes here, he always goes to our room, although there's nothing left in there for him.I'm usually gone, so I just notice a book out of place, the coverlet undone or the window open/closed.

He's also apparently oblivious to the suffering he's caused - to our eldest, to his Mum - she's 74 and has lost 5 or 6 kg in as many months that she didn't need to lose.

He also flies off the handle very quickly, over little. He came here one Saturday lunchtime, had lunch with his Mum, sister, the kids and myself. He was jovial and almost "interested" in me again, sat beside me, asked about school... then came the time to take the 2 youngest with him until Sunday. Our 2nd D stated to cry, didn't want to go. He flew into a rage, started shouting about how he'd have the custody agreement (informal, but regular) put in writing so as I could understand it. I stayed calm, I'm getting used to these outbursts, and anyway, I was on the way out. Calmed our D down and let him at it.

The paranoia, the lack of feeling and the sudden rage make me think he's still "depressed" in some way. Could be codding myself, but whatever gets you through the night...

I have cut contact to a bare minimum, Pinhead - never phone or text unless need to because we're co-parents. But old habits die hard, sometimes I backslide and talk more than I should. I NEVER fight or cry, I'll be da**ed if I'll give him that satisfaction.
However, I'm at the stage where I don't know if I should battle on and wait for my man or give it up as a bad job. Am I free or not? I'm a Christian, I pray for us both. By the Church's teachings, I'm his till death. I've obeyed the "golden rule" always; now I feel a bit of a "golden fool".

I'm GAL and (getting a licence). St Malo is only 50 km from here, Piano, and it was perfect. Indian Summer sun, a "comic strip" (or do you say pictorial novels? = BD) festival lots to see and do and no danger of H anywhere. Put the smile back on my eldest's face. But couples holding hands everywhere. Big lumps of women dressed anyhow being held delicately by the hand. Husbands sitting outside changing rooms to wait and see and help their wives choose clothes... I realize how little I demanded and got from my H once we had kids. He'd never hold my hand or darken the door of a shop, and I dared not ask, though I'd have loved the attention, and I helped him choose clothes. 4Nuff self-pity or you'll all be flooded out.

Work, strangely, though very demanding - lots of problem teens in a problem zone - is keeping me on an even keel. These are kids dying for adults to talk to them and give them attention. Adults who don't drink or swear, are not on prozac or strung out, look clean, smell nice and act calm and benevolent. I find it hard to control certain classes, but so do most of my colleagues, a lot of the time. The kids are very lovable, for all that.

Piano, thanks for the book list. I've actually ordered 2 of them: "Love must be tough" and "the 5 love languages". Am waiting for Amazon to come up with the goods.
NCU