I think on one hand a rebound relationship would be a good thing for me. A moving on kind of thing. On the other hand, it isn't as easy a thing with a little kid at home. I have struck up a long distance flirtation. It feels risk-free and a good way to open up a little.
You're right. I don't want to be with someone who's way of dealing with their fear is to lash out at the person they love. Someone who is so afraid of being hurt that they make sure to hurt everyone else first.
I don't know that there's a huge amount of difference between who my XH was THEN and who he is NOW. I was just discussing that with another divorced friend the other day. She said that in retrospect she can see all these red flags about the kind of person her XH was, but she just didn't see them before. However, in my case, I think I saw all those red flags, but had so little relationship experience that I didn't realize they could be a problem. I changed when our son came along, stepped up to the plate because I had to. My XH, while he loves our son, wasn't about to change his behavior for anyone.
I think the divorce and suddenly only getting to see his son a couple times a year has had a big impact. Of course, he chose that impact, while my son didn't. I have no idea if he's done any of the work he needs to do for himself. I know he's told me he's quit smoking, but that's just one of his addictions. He told me he regrets scoffing at the idea of marriage counseling. But of course he told me that only after we'd both moved so far away from each other it was a moot point. I can imagine him taking an honest look at himself and getting some help. But I would be embarrassed to admit (anywhere other than here) that I might be holding out for that day, or rather for the years of work that come after that day.
I'm thinking that it is getting time to ask XH to stop sending the personal notes. I just got one a moment ago about how the area where we were stationed together is really beautiful (he's back there for training) and that he didn't notice it before. And that now he notices what a great place it would have been to live.
Of course, when we were there he had nothing good to say about it, even though that's where my family is and where I wanted to live. So once again, I find myself unproductively trying to figure out why he would say that to me at this point. What is he getting at?
Reality check Opti, you walked away and went through all that legal stuff, just to be back here trying to read his mind and being pulled around by his little hints? If I let myself be effected by these little notes this way, perhaps it is time to ask him to stop sending them.
