A message from Michele Weiner-Davis

[lovehurts]

25, I would love to hear what you think of my new thread I've started!

Thank you SO much for your words. I have made mistakes, I know I'll make more, but I am really truly doing well!

It's funny you say that he will see what he's lost when he sees the warm fun me.
I think last night might have hit him harder than he expected. When I gave him the boundaries letter, August 12, I immediately started the protection phase and didn't let him enter the house (with the exception of twice when I wasn't home, which left me feeling VERY violated so I put things outside for him from that point on) I haven't spoken directly to him, first via third party, next via shared family website. I also had him drop S off at next door neighbors. I dropped the 3rd party when I felt I no longer needed that buffer. I let him drop S off here last night but said there was no need for verbal exchanges. (hence the no heated exchanges) A few times the website got heated (by him) but I quickly brought it back down. The last post, I stated I'm no longer going back and forth with him. There were points I disagreed with but I no longer see the point in defending or arguing the points. I ask his opinion where he said I had not (when he answered, he realized he had been asked, it was just not negotiable and had agreed to it, which was our S spending the night on "school" nights. I let him know this was not for ME, it would actually be easier for me not to do all of this alone but I had to put S needs in front of my own, and stated, we both do. He admitted that the reason he wanted him there during those times was that he missed giving him a bath and getting him ready for school. Basically admitting it was HIS desire, not for the well being of S.

The drop off last night was VERY interesting. He did try to talk to me but I just talked to S. It was heart wrenching because S kept telling me to "give daddy a hug" I had just gotten back from a wedding so I knew I looked pretty darn good. Hair done like he likes it (swear it wasn't on purpose) nice outfit and makeup done. He wrote me a little "journal" entry when he got back and, among other things, "Thank you for the drop off at your place. It was a little awkward but it was nice to sort of see you again" I haven't responded. I don't mean to be cold, but I know he had surgery today. I thought of writing him back and wishing him well, but I know he will see this as a weakness. He's trying to take 4 steps forward every time I allow one (at MY pace) I keep my pace. He knows I'm an extremely fun person. He knows how warm I am. He knows I am having a great time in my life right now AND continuing to be a great mom. My priorities are dead on, he knows his are the ones that are screwed up. He knows I know him better than anyone, his exW, OW, and even himself. I don't need to say a word. It's bothering him that I'm moving on!

I plan to have S draw him a get well note to send to his apartment. I plan to have S call this week. However, I will NOT ask him how he is doing. This might sound mean, but I know him, and he will take that as a sign that I'm weakening. It's actually helping that he thinks that I'm not pining over him or mourning the loss anymore. I don't plan on talking to him directly for quite some time. It keeps the ball in my court and is allowing me to gain strength. I'm not sure when I'll be ready, but I knew for the other two things, I'll know when the time is right.

Thanks again, 25!