Early Parole from the MLC Chain Gang?????

[MHL]

Well, it has been over a month since I had the R talk with my W and she said she was going to file for D. Still nothing, I have not seen anything, no registered mail and have not been served. We have a legal separation in which the D is pretty much laid out. It is a fairly easy process for either one of us to file down at the courthouse and pretty inexpensive too.

Don’t know if my W knows how simple it is or how cheap it is so really I don’t know why she has not filed yet, I try not to speculate. I just go with it a day at a time and see what happens, most days I don’t even think about it, but if I do I try to put the positive “spin” on it and say to myself “she is having doubts” or “it must not be that important to her”. Of course those thoughts are followed by “What does it mean????” and that is not so healthy for me.

It has been over a year since she has been gone, kicked her out August 25, 2009. Going on 14 months…….

I am okay, so is my daughter (13), however my son(10) has been upset lately. Came downstairs crying a couple of weeks ago after I put him to bed. He came to me and said, “This is taking to long, I am tired of all this, doesn’t she (mom) know she is hurting us???”

That was tough, I told him that she loved him very much and his sister too but she was confused about her feelings for me. I went on to tell him that I think mom even loves dad (me) but she is not sure if she wants to “live” with me again. He kind of understood but really all he wants is his mom and dad to be back in the house together. I ended the conversation by saying that it is okay to talk to his mom about his feelings too. He is reluctant because she usually gets upset, and he does not want to upset her. I simply told him I understood.

Well last week, he did talk to her and asked her if we were going to get divorced and she responded to him that she did not know what was going to happen but she thought that everything was going to be alright. As he was telling me this I could tell he took that as she was going to eventually come home. I just let lay there and did not want to take away his hope. It does make me wonder what she is contemplating, (I know, no mindreading and don’t get sucked in, SWING AWAY, I feel I can indulge in this activity now and then and still come out unscathed) .

As to my interactions with my wife…..they remain very friendly and almost always we both linger as we are saying goodbye. The eye contact is almost unbearable for me but I endure. It happened today as we were leaving a parent/teacher conference. We were out in the school parking lot and instead of just going to our cars we stood there and talked. I did pursue slightly in that I complemented her on her hair which she had straightened (if you have seen her pics on the alt, you will understand that straightening her hair is no small undertaking), anyhow we were standing there rather close to each other and all I wanted to do was just pull her into me and hug her and kiss her. I maintained control and did not cave to temptation.

As nice as it is to see her the most significant things seem to happen when we are on the phone. Yesterday she called to talk to our S10 in the mid-afternoon. It was her weekend off, I knew she went out of town put did not know where. I picked up the phone and said hello and asked how she was doing. She proceeded to tell me where she had been and what she had done for the weekend. We ended up talking for 10-15 minutes. She had gone to one of her friends house about 3 hours away for a large cookout (In the south we call it a “pig pickin”, cue the dueling banjo’s from Deliverance).

Anyhow, her friend is married with a daughter that is 17 and plays soccer like our D13. My W told me how she enjoyed talking to friend’s D17 and how much it reminded her of our D13 and how much she misses our D13. My W went on to say that there were a bunch of kids running around and that she was having a real hard time missing our S10 also, that is the reason she called. I just said “I can understand how you would feel that way”.

We talked about some other things mostly the kids but what I noticed is that for the first time she voluntarily shared her “feelings” with me. This was unprompted by me. She even went on to say that she was feeling alone in the car on her drive back. It took all my self-control to not offer to talk to her all the way back to keep her company or invite her over for dinner that night.

I cycle pretty hard and fast these days and I accept it. I am more focused at work these days and have plenty to keep me more than occupied at home which helps. For now I am comfortable with things and know that I still LOVE my wife deeply and it doesn’t hurt to do so or to say it aloud.

I will continue to be the best man I can be, the best father I can be, the best friend I can be and also …………………

the best husband I can be.

Cheers