Wow, something JoAnn said to me just struck me significantly and deeply: He is trying to get me to end the marriage. The OW has nothing on me. I'm not even threatened by her. I know he won't be happy with her long term... and I think he knows it too. Pretty sure actually, maybe not consciously though.
Yep, I was always the strong one & he is counting on it again. Sorry, not this time. He is going to have to put on his big-boy pants and file himself
God, I do sound strong... or masochistic. No wonder he 'didn't feel like a man'. Yikes. Well, now's his chance!
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Could he be trying to get you to end the A not the M? That's what my H was looking for I realised in hindsight.
My H was throwing clues in my face and because I trusted him I didn't see them; he even bought OW a present using MY credit card- talk about trying to get me to see what he was doing- duh! It showed how little attention I had been giving him.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Get along OK but his brother is fiercely protective of him. H is the baby of the family. She is a bit of a snake and best friends with OW. She is likely facilitating and he is likely justifying in his head everything H is justifying... just a guess.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
LOL. I could almost see the light bulb going off the way you wrote that.
Good for you. My W is trying to do the same thing to me. For a lot of reasons that I will not go into on your thread.
JoAnn and friends on these forums have advised me NOT to enable her or Divorce her.
I basically told her(not the actual way, because it was modified) "I don't want a divorce, but I understand you do and I will not try to stop you. To be honest I don't want to be with anyone that doesn't want to be with me, but I will not do the work of divorcing you. That's your choice, not mine."
He wants out? He does the work. In the mean time keep working on you and being strong to yourself. I'm going to say this the only way I know how, you are probably going to get angry at some point, but you really need to act from a place of compassion for him. Look at it as an understanding of what he may be going through. Not the actual A part, because that's just flat out HIS wrong choice and who the hell know's EXACTLY why they do anything they do. Rather focus on what you could do to make him see what he will be missing and have the mindset of "His Loss, Not mine".
That is exactly where I am right now... and the past few days. Definitely his loss, not mine. I have grown from this experience in unimaginable ways (at least from my prospective on myself) and he is still in the same rut he has been in for the past several months. He is doing this to himself. It is very sad to watch, but he needs to grow too and I can't do that for him.
The 180 is killing him... I have been SUCH a reactive person in our marriage... he has no idea what to do. LOL!
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
It's a difficult one. Once it came out in the open in my sitch my H visibly enjoyed having two women fighting over him- made him feel really wanted. That could have gone on indefinitely apart from my mental breakdown from the stress, at which point a psychiatrist had to be called in and he told my H he had to make a decision. Once it became public OW was pushing as she no longer wanted to be a secret or seen to be 'second place' and she shot herself in the foot being so pushy when I was so obviously devastated. I really believe that because I had previously been unable to convey to my H how important he was to me, my breakdown was a shock to him and also showed him how much I cared.....which he needed to see.
Since he has told me how grateful he is that I 'fought' for him.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Probably his fantasy too to watch 2 women fight over him. OW will get pushy very soon, no doubt. She has to listen to people talk to him about his wife all day long at work. Her past relationships have ended bc the men ran away from her trying to get them to settle down and define goals within 2 months! I know this from H telling me about it... Obviously he knows it will happen too.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
