WAW EA told her to leave

[DangerDave]

bump after the crash!

[DangerDave]

Well hello all -

Still here, crazy and confused but still forging ahead with my life. For those that made the "cut" I'm glad to see you still here and helping, Robx, Coach, Gucci, Greek - for those that have not, PDT, Allen, I will miss your valuable insight and 2x4's that have helped me as well - it's a long and twisted path we are all undertaking and there is no one road map that shows every on-ramp and exit to take - I am sure though that without the co-pilot's I would miss every turn!

So an update to my sitch - I found out the other day that my W crossed the no-contact boundary with the former EA/OM - it was at the gym where she attended another of his classes and it was not the first time over the last couple of months either. I would have marked it up as no big deal it's just an exercise class and it could happen on occasion but the fact she had been lying to me about it over this time really set me off. I told her that this would not be tolerated and told her to start sleeping in the spare room, moved all her toiletries out of MY room and she has been there for the last few days. Upon that discovery I also found copies of my pay stubs she has made and she has also hid all her wedding rings. I told here we would be talking next week about our relationship.

I have since taken off my ring and added them to her's (yes I found them) and she has moved most of her clothes to the spare room as well. She asked about a family outing we have this weekend to visit our daughter, if she needed to find separate transportation to get there - I told her no, that the family would all go together as I don't want to stress out the younger kids all at once.

Now to my subject - it's been 6 long months, no longer for me than anyone else here I know and I've had enough of this state of flux called limbo. I've been having a great time and GAL'n my butt off (literally lost 50lbs and looking good), always upbeat and a good mood day to day, having a blast with my kids, got into some new activities (cycling) and also started up some old ones (dirt biking with the kids). I go out with new friends (men and women ;)and old, helping others and enjoying their company and they enjoy mine as well.

I even have this inside joke where I there is a fairly large amount of friends I have that I have not seen much or at all during this time - so I have been dropping in on them and saying hello, sorry I haven't been around much - the joke part is that I have had to tell almost every one of them who I am - I have changed that much - it's truly astonishing! I truly love what I've become - it's nothing new, it's just the me I lost so many many years ago - it's good to "be home"!!

I have done a good job at detaching and I know I need to officially drop the rope. She has still confirmed her desire about wanting a divorce (last time was about a month ago) but the escape clause of finances is stalling the process in her mind. So where to from here, I am of the mindset that financially there will never be a "good" time to proceed with D, it's going to be bad regardless of when, so why not just get it started. I want to give her a choice to either start working on our relationship as husband and wife or start the D proceedings, whichever she choose's would start immediately. But I also wonder if a choice is really something to offer or not - and just go forward with filing for a D, it is what she wants and honestly I have a life I want to live without the encumbrances of all this *&llshit - I am done.

So out to the vets and experts here - I really hope to hear your viewpoints and suggestions - I've made mistakes in the past and really want to nail this one correctly the first time!

Thanks,

DD

[Coach]

I want to give her a choice to either start working on our relationship as husband and wife or start the D proceedings, whichever she choose's would start immediately. But I also wonder if a choice is really something to offer or not -

let her lead???!???!?!?!?!?

because she clearly has your families best interests at heart.

I found out the other day that my W crossed the no-contact boundary with the former EA/OM

Upon that discovery I also found copies of my pay stubs she has made and she has also hid all her wedding rings.

She has still confirmed her desire about wanting a divorce

So what is working?

I would agree with her, let her go, let her feel you leaving - become a WAS. No drama, no negativity - this marriage just isn't working.

Your kids and wife are watching how you handle this.

[DangerDave]

Thanks Coach - well I suppose that nothing I'm doing is working for the M, but it has been working for me - thanks I needed that!

I'm at a loss to invent anything else new - I feel good about myself and my relationship with the kids and I really have to thank my W for making all this possible! So walking away is going to be my LRT and filing for a D is the highest form I can think of, sad but true.

Thanks

DD

[Dane]

Tell her she must move out, help her pack. Get her out of the house. She wants to be set free, set her free.
Lawyer up NOW!!! She is collecting info, and is probably already gone there herself. Protect yourself and your kids.

[DangerDave]

Thanks Dane and Coach! I have on several occasions told her to leave, let me help you pack, but here in this state you cannot force your spouse out of the home. Lawyering up this week regardless!

Coach as for my kids watching how I handle this, that really is my number 1 concern - I will make sure they know that this decision to file is mine, but was demanded by the W - anything else I that would be prudent to add??

Thanks as always,

DD

[Dane]

I made my ex own the decision to get divorced. She wanted it to be a mutual decision, I told the kids "I love your mother, and I don't think divorce is the answer to any marriage problem, but I have to respect her decision."

I think age appropriate truth, but only if asked. Ask them if they have questions or concerns.
No commentary or berating the ex.

[soleil]

Do not badmouth your wife at all to your kids. If they ask, be honest with them.

I am sorry to hear your W is still contacting/in contact w/ OM. You did good by moving her into the guest bedroom. Be a good dad to your kids and don't be negative to your W. If she wants out, let her have it.

I made my ex own the decision to get divorced. She wanted it to be a mutual decision

You know, my stbx did this too, I have no idea why some folks do this. Maybe it eases their mind/try to justify their decision to D with it?

[DangerDave]

Thanks Dane and Soleil - Soleil as for Dane's comment about owning which I think he put together quite artfully btw, are you agreeing here or disagreeing - I would tend to agree with that approach? I have no intent on badmouthing the w to the kids or anyone else, but I do want to be clear to them, if asked, who wanted the D, the fact that I file can and more than likely will be pointed out down the road by the w to them.

Thanks guys!

DD

[soleil]

Oh, no I am definitely agreeing that I think it's ridiculous for the WAS to want to make it sound like it's a "mutual" decision cause it's generally not.