BTW, he keeps saying 'it is too late for us'... which I take to mean it is too late for him. Translation: I don't think he would ever forgive himself for an affair.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I don't generally say this to someone so new to this. I am going by your words and you do seem to have gained clarity sooner than most. You have been given the gift of time. Time to figure out exactly what you want to do. Only you can know what direction you ultimately want to take.
Marriages have survived infidelity. It takes both partners wanting the marriage to work out and it's not easy. But of those M's that have survived, I do hear that they are better and stronger.
The first thing you have to do is own your part in the breakdown of your M. You sound like you are doing that. The next thing is that you have to do is forgive yourself. No, the choice to have an affair is fully on your H and there is no excuse for that, but forgiving yourself is the key to being able to forgive him.
In this time continue to work on yourself for you. Make sure your changes are for you and are permanent. It can only benefit you whatever happens in your sitch. If you do R you'll need that strength and clarity you've gained.
There is a saying that MWD has and it's, 'believe nothing they say and only half of what they do'. Your H is so fogged up right now he doesn't know which end is up. Validate what he has to say. It doesn't mean you agree with him, only that you agree he has a right to feel that way. Saying I'm sorry you feel that way, or I understand why you might feel that way or some such thing lets him know that you are listening to what he has to say.
MWD also says do more of what works. If you've seen your H take notice of your 180's continue that if you want to.
You sound as if you're a natural DBer. Have you read Divorce Remedy? If no, get it. If yes, read and reread.
I believe you'll be better than OK no matter which way your sitch turns out.
My H's father had at least one A if not more and he came clean about it all just as my H turned 21. It caused his parents to D; which his father now strongly regrets.
My H had his A with one of his staff. He is CEO of his Co and he told everyone at the company what was going on as gossip was disrupting work. I was in the dark - I went to business events where the staff acted as though nothing was happening. (Imagine how comfortable I feel going to business events now :/).
What OW did was make my H feel that he had someone to go to. Someone who would listen to him and pay him attention. In actual fact though, she didn't have the 'connection' in the end that he and I had. She wasn't as intelligent as I am and couldn't make him laugh like I can when on my best form.
When my H saw that I was changing, and was trying my best to be who our M needed me to be, he suddenly did an about turn. I did it without knowing he was having an A; I just knew the M wasn't in a good place and so I went to see a T to see how I could improve things by altering my behaviour. My H had warned me with some comments he had made in the past that things weren't right, ( which I had just taken as bluster and him letting off steam). H told me about the A when he could see the changes I was making. At the same time OW was putting pressure on H to commit to her. H actually gave me OW's phone number and her H's phone number, (they were living separately by then), and basically he wanted me to clear up the mess he had gotten himself into - he didn't know how to sort it out. He didn't want to be seen as the bad guy by either side. Of course he was the bad guy because he had cheated and eventually after we had cleared things up he had to face that.
For me though, as the A had been going on for 18 months, the initial attraction and excitement had dissipated for my H, which helped enormously. Also he suddenly saw the magnitude of what it would all mean. OW had made things easy for him until it all became real and H 'saw the light of day'.
You have been getting some good advice on this thread. IMO for the moment you should just wait and see what happens with your H and concentrate on yourself. People at work will guess and it will reflect badly on your H and OW; my gut tells me that the further you stay away from that the better - take the high road. Although my H told his staff, they didn't like it and were relieved when it ended. We were in the position where we were able to get OW away from the company and out of our lives completely.
I hope today goes ok for you.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
So, if I am willing to try to work through the A, which again, he doesn't know I know about... How do I begin with someone that keeps saying "it is too late..." How do I do this without pressuring him?
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Keep up with the changes. Working with him will give him a chance to see them close at hand.
Also, he knows that you want some sort of MC before D and I would stick to that if things are raised again. I wouldn't bring it up yourself unless he mentions D and it being too late and then I would talk about something like Retrouvaille and how it might help bring clarity/closure to the sitch. He needn't know you know about the A.
However, you may find you reach a point when the A is outed at work by someone else and then you will may be have to re think things.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
You are very strong blgp. Impressive. Don't stop what you are doing and build upon it.
Can you identify your behavior that would come across too strong to him?
I know at work, you can treat him professionally easily just because you are strong. You also can show him the new "blgp" and all your changes. However, outside work, can you "disappear" and become unavailable to him?
You will hear the term "Go Dark" thrown around on these boards. This is best used when you clearly establish the boundary that you will not accept an open marriage, but you are willing to work on the marriage if there is noone else in the picture. However, once you establish this boundary there is no coming back from holding it until those conditions are favorable to you. There are many people here that can tell you exactly how to say it, I hope they chime in.
The goal of this is to send a clear, confident, and kind message to him. Once you have established it you basically move forward and cease contact with him. You go out and you live your life without him just like he wants. It validates the way he feels and will hopefully make him realize the fact you will not be in his life anymore.
It's also very important to avoid your same old behaviors that might seem pressuring or controlling(if that was one of your shortcomings)while attempting this.
I think the behavior that would come across too strong would be me confronting him the wrong way... He doesn't see me after work because we are separated. He has pulled away the last 3 days so I haven't seen him.
I just got off the phone with JoAnn. I think it was helpful. Man, this is the hardest thing EVER. So, she suggests that if I feel I need to confront him for my own sanity, I do it in a "i might be off base but people are telling me about the time you are spending with XXX and it appears you are having an affair." Obviously he is going to deny it. But I'll let him know people are asking questions at work so I will refer them to him... If he doesn't deny it, then what??? Unlikely but want to be prepared.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Well, the PA is presumed at this point. He went camping with her, his brother/sister-in-law and one other female friend this weekend. I found an e-mail about her arranging the camping trip. "she wanted to go ASAP, hehehe".
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
