My previous threads are a bit all over the place so I thought I'd post a little background here that might be easier.
I'm having a rough morning, I will admit it. I have no motivation. I feel like crap physically and mentally. I feel more depressed today than I have in a long time...maybe even more so than the original bomb. I don't know why. I feel like living in this crisis, combined with the house fire, financial issues, worrying about the kids, etc... is more than I can take. I'm not sure I have much PMA in me. I don't know that I have any fight left for this marriage.
Anyway, here's the synopsis:
- Me: stay-at-home mom for most of 20 yrs. H: Engineer
- H dropped bomb in April - he felt it was over. Typical A or MLC behavior and talk ensued.
- I tried to find evidence of A for awhile but none found. However, did find some strange Facebook stuff.
- H did not leave the home or the bedroom. Claimed willingness to work on things. I started DBing. I addressed all his issues he made to the best of my ability and still am. These areas came down to me getting help for my depression that I had been in for the last couple years: housekeeping, letting myself go, being a fun person to be around, managing finances better.
- Sexual text msg to an old GF sent to me by H by mistake in June. Told H he was free to go. I would not live in an open marriage. He chose to stay. (It meant nothing, of course.) He closed FB account.
- I went to FT, H went once, didn't return. Didn't like being asked to hold a mirror to himself rather than blaming me for ALL our problems.
- I went back to school as H and I both agreed that was the better option rather than workforce due to earning potential. Part of GAL and 180's.
- No change in H's efforts in M. Convinced him to go to M retreat for troubled R's. Learned a lot but H still not ready to fully commit to future. Told him he needed to at least work on things, or make the decision to go ahead and leave. 2nd time I offered him the door.. this was beginning of Aug. He once again chose not to leave.
- Better behavior ensued. H started participating with family, no more talk of leaving, was home when supposed to be home. I thought this was progress, but no real affection towards me was shown. After 2 months of this, my gut flaired up again. Hence...
- Discovery late Sat. night of the emails between H and some OW. (Not the same person as the sexting of June.) No talk of any physical contact, but I wouldn't doubt anything at this point. She appears to be out of state though. Lots of emotional stuff - wanting to be to with her - and a lot of his listening to her and being there for her, telling her she's beautiful, etc... VERY painful. It's been a long time since I've gotten that from him!!!
- The talk that came after my confronting him about it was more of the same ole, same ole. He still blaims me that his life is not what he wants. Still takes no personal responsibility. On one hand he doesn't want to hurt me or the kids, on the other, he wants his freedom and just believes it won't work. Offered once again for him to leave if he wanted to continue this EA.
- H DOES notices all the changes in me. Even commented that "now I am trying to be everything he wants..." but of course, it's "too late" and "the spark is just gone."
- Spent the evening last night being nice to me... trying to meet my needs for once. Why? is the question!
During all of this I feel I have done a good job of not begging, pleading, or being angry - but calm, cool, and confident of my own position. (Not 100% of course, but mostly) My FT thought I was doing a great job handling things. So good, in fact, I stopped going. It seemed pointless. I hope to get back to that point again - and soon!
