Leading without leaving has obviously been a big question for me as well.
I'm trying to do the following:
1. Be a damn good father, mostly by not letting my R issues affect how I treat my daughters. Support my W in doing the same, and openly discuss how we can achieve this.
2. Expect good behaviour from my W, and when I'm on the receiving end of CB, calmly put a stop to it. This has been one of the biggest changes in our relationship's dynamic, and it's simply amazing how well it works. We are so much more open in our communication than ever before.
3. Decide where I want to go with my life, and create a plan with concrete steps. Avoiding getting sidetracked by all of the day to day crap that happens.
4. Accept my wife for who she is now, and when she is interested, share the things I've learned about myself. Opening myself up to her (and my daughters).
One of the things I've really realized is how so much of the things I'm doing aren't just for me, or my W, but also for my daughters. They model so much of what I do, good and bad. Being a great dad is so much more for me than being the breadwinner and disciplinarian. So I guess I'm DBing my kids as well.
Thanks a lot, Pin. I have been following along with your sitch and understand, I think, what you are going through.
Item #2 of your list is what has really changed me the most. I was always backing off of things and trying not to hurt her feelings and telling myself it wasn't a big deal. Obviously, it is a very big deal. We have to give respect to get it and also demand respect.
You are spot on when talking about our kids modeling our behavior. I have realized that more and more in the past few months. They seem to gravitate towards me, lately. I still dicipline them, but I don't yell and scream, I'm not sarcastic, and I don't make them feel stupid. All things that W routinely does. I also call her CB with the kids. She gets mad at first, but calms down and handles things a little better. They all come to me for help with whatever; homework, scratches and bruises, playing Barbie's or video games or monster trucks or whateve. W NEVER just plays with them. She very seldom ever did. And now she seem to act mad and surprised that they don't miss her after she's been gone for two or three days straight.
I really need to work on #'s 3 and 4. Where I want to go with my life is raise my family in a home that is happy and healthy. I have yet to be able to accept my W for who she is at the moment because I remember who she used to be.
I have to look to the future and plan out who and where I want to be.
