Sounds good IDU. Lots of good reasons to stay. 4 very BIG ones!! Good luck to you!
I know it's not proper DBing, but I have to do it for them. And I mean finally be the person I realize I haven't always been. It means standing up for them when mom loses her temper and yells for no good reason. She has done other things, too, but no sense in listing them all. I'm sorry to say I haven't always stood up to her on behalf of the kids or myself. I do now and she doesn't get pissed like I was always afraid she would. She calms down after a while and handles things better.
That has to be my plan. Everyone has a threshold and I will know when I have reached mine. More pain on the way, I'm sure. I have to be able to tell myself that I did everything that I could and I'm not at that point yet. I am fine if she leaves, I really am. I just can't be the one to leave the kids and have them ask why I left. I just can't.
(((hugs))) IDU. There is no roadmap for dealing with this stuff. I think that Ready2Change has the right approach when he says "what's right for my children is right for me". That's been my guide and it's helped me to do and be what I needed to when I felt weak.
I do wish for you some relief from dealing with the negativity of your W, but I am SO pleased to hear that you're working on boundaries with your W! Not only is that a wonderful personal evolution, but it's incredible role modelling for your children. Think of what they can learn from your example of calm, manly assertiveness. I like what what David Deida writes about men tolerating bitchiness and complaining from their women.
Glad to hear that you continue to GAL too. Your children are watching that too, how you take care of yourself under adversity.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks for checking in again, FM! I know you aren't around much anymore and I do appreciate the time you have given me over the months.
Journaling -
Had a great weekend with the kids. W worked at her bar job that is about 70 miles away. She left both days this weekend at 9:30am and got home after midnight. Before she left on Sat. she said, "I know you don't like me working here, but we could use the money for taxes, etc." I just said we have been through this before, it's her choice and she can do whatever she wants.
The kids and I just messed around the house all day Sat. Sun. we went to church, out to eat, watched a little football, went outside and played catch, rode the 4-wheeler, made a fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallow's, played hide-and-seek and just had a great time together.
W texted me a few times on Sat and Sun saying nothing really important. I didn't txt back. Each time after about an hour she would txt, "did u get my msg?" I let those go, too. After another hour or so, I txt back something like, "yes, got msg. was on 4-wheeler,(or in the woods, or whatever) cya." Before, she would NEVER txt or call after I did.
This morning, she was getting ready for work, I was already dressed, she was very pissy. I went outside and had some coffee and enjoyed the fall weather. The kids were still asleep. I came in and she was at the table eating and S4 woke up and came running to me. W got up from the table and told him to come give her a hug, she missed him. He scrambled down and came back over to me. I asked him if her slept good and what her wanted for breakfast. He asked why I had my work clothes on. I said I had to go to work today. He started crying and said he didn't have school and thought I was going to stay home today. W came over and said that mom and dad both had to work today but grandma was going to watch the kids. He threw his arms around me and started crying. "I want you to stay with me, again, daddy." You could see W get mad. She had seen them a whole 1/2 an hour all weekend and didn't like it that he didn't seem to miss her at all. I told him to give mom a hug and kiss and he did, but came right back to me. The other kids got up and were basically the same; came and gave me a hug and just told her, "Hi." She got her stuff together and left for work, told the kids good-bye and said nothing to me.
I am not doing anything to turn them against her. She is doing it herself. I guess it's one more thing that she's blind to.
All in all, a great weekend. I wish she would wake up and see what she's doing to our family. I keep holding the line and call her on her behavior and love my kids the best I know how.
Still trying to let completely go. It's a whole lot easier when she's not around.
In the past, I told my W that I wanted to hear her say she was sorry. She said how could she be sorry for something she had never done? You won't hear it now and may never hear it. It sucks.
From this day forward - that's so important. I'm getting there, letting go of the blame and also the guilt.
Look to the future, whatever it may hold and forget the past.
She was honest. You did not want to hear "I'm sorry" just to hear it.
Did you respect her for that?
Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
Quote:
Did you respect her for that?
Don't really know how to answer that.
I really don't have any respect for her at this point.
On the other hand, you're right, I don't want her to tell me just because I want to hear it. It would be great to hear if it was from her heart. I don't need to hear it anymore, though.
“I am sorry that you feel that you don’t owe me an apology. I respect you honesty. How can I help you to feel differently about it?”
“I am sorry that you feel that you don’t owe me an apology. I respect you honesty. How can I help you to feel differently about it?”
Great answer!
I am constantly working on validating her feelings . We have not had an R talk in several weeks, other than me asking if she has found a place to go.
I know there are different things I could and should be doing. Right now, I am just holding my boundaries and not putting up with CB. If she doesn't want to be here, I WANT HER TO LEAVE. The only time we have a calm discussion is after I go to the lawyer or she does. Then things are calm for a day or so. I should be pressing forward with the D. Like I said, I can't be the one to leave my kids.
How to lead without leaving myself, that's my big question.
How to lead without leaving myself, that's my big question.
By getting respect back.
By stopping her crap behavior calmly and decisively.
"W, I have decided that this is not working for us. It is best for me and for our kids right now that you move out. This is not healthy situation to be continuing. Can I help to find you a new place?"
Leading without leaving has obviously been a big question for me as well.
I'm trying to do the following:
1. Be a damn good father, mostly by not letting my R issues affect how I treat my daughters. Support my W in doing the same, and openly discuss how we can achieve this.
2. Expect good behaviour from my W, and when I'm on the receiving end of CB, calmly put a stop to it. This has been one of the biggest changes in our relationship's dynamic, and it's simply amazing how well it works. We are so much more open in our communication than ever before.
3. Decide where I want to go with my life, and create a plan with concrete steps. Avoiding getting sidetracked by all of the day to day crap that happens.
4. Accept my wife for who she is now, and when she is interested, share the things I've learned about myself. Opening myself up to her (and my daughters).
One of the things I've really realized is how so much of the things I'm doing aren't just for me, or my W, but also for my daughters. They model so much of what I do, good and bad. Being a great dad is so much more for me than being the breadwinner and disciplinarian. So I guess I'm DBing my kids as well.
Leading without leaving has obviously been a big question for me as well.
I'm trying to do the following:
1. Be a damn good father, mostly by not letting my R issues affect how I treat my daughters. Support my W in doing the same, and openly discuss how we can achieve this.
2. Expect good behaviour from my W, and when I'm on the receiving end of CB, calmly put a stop to it. This has been one of the biggest changes in our relationship's dynamic, and it's simply amazing how well it works. We are so much more open in our communication than ever before.
3. Decide where I want to go with my life, and create a plan with concrete steps. Avoiding getting sidetracked by all of the day to day crap that happens.
4. Accept my wife for who she is now, and when she is interested, share the things I've learned about myself. Opening myself up to her (and my daughters).
One of the things I've really realized is how so much of the things I'm doing aren't just for me, or my W, but also for my daughters. They model so much of what I do, good and bad. Being a great dad is so much more for me than being the breadwinner and disciplinarian. So I guess I'm DBing my kids as well.
Thanks a lot, Pin. I have been following along with your sitch and understand, I think, what you are going through.
Item #2 of your list is what has really changed me the most. I was always backing off of things and trying not to hurt her feelings and telling myself it wasn't a big deal. Obviously, it is a very big deal. We have to give respect to get it and also demand respect.
You are spot on when talking about our kids modeling our behavior. I have realized that more and more in the past few months. They seem to gravitate towards me, lately. I still dicipline them, but I don't yell and scream, I'm not sarcastic, and I don't make them feel stupid. All things that W routinely does. I also call her CB with the kids. She gets mad at first, but calms down and handles things a little better. They all come to me for help with whatever; homework, scratches and bruises, playing Barbie's or video games or monster trucks or whateve. W NEVER just plays with them. She very seldom ever did. And now she seem to act mad and surprised that they don't miss her after she's been gone for two or three days straight.
I really need to work on #'s 3 and 4. Where I want to go with my life is raise my family in a home that is happy and healthy. I have yet to be able to accept my W for who she is at the moment because I remember who she used to be.
I have to look to the future and plan out who and where I want to be.
2. Expect good behaviour from my W, and when I'm on the receiving end of CB, calmly put a stop to it. This has been one of the biggest changes in our relationship's dynamic, and it's simply amazing how well it works. We are so much more open in our communication than ever before.
^^^This^^^
It really works.
My W and I met at the restaurant for dinner last week. She showed up late and agitated about work. I listened to her rants and validated her feelings. We were about to start ordering food and I tried to change a subject. Although I made an error of judgment about the topic, it did not warrant what happened next.
I decided to talk about my work, unfortunately the topic happened to be something that irritated her even more (we work in the same industry and my company is her client). She got angry and started accusing me for ruining her mood. She would not stop and I asked the waiter to hold off with taking our order.
When she was done with her fit, I calmly asked her “I don’t like to be treated unprofessionally when we are talking about work related stuff.” She got even more angry and got up and left.
She drove around the block and came back shortly. She seemed that she was not done with me yet. Before she could re-start, I smiled and asked “You seem very angry, how can I help you to feel better?”. Her demeanor changed immediately and she sat down and said “I have a right not to talk about work when we have dinner together.”
To me it sounded irrational, because she was the one ranting about work all evening. But that was how she FELT at the moment.
I said “You are absolutely right. I agree with you and I will make sure that this won’t happen again”.
We had a nice dinner and when we got home she resolved the problem I had with my work by offering me a detailed solution that she was going to implement the next day.
How do you think this would have ended had I demanded apology for being disrespected in public, responded with a counterattack, reminded her who started the whole topic in the first place or just yelled back – me, me, me, you, you, you?
It works every time. It takes some self discipline.
I would try it before and when she didn't instantly calm down or change her mind and agree with me, I would get upset. "Fine, I tried looking at it from your point of view, but you still don't care. I don't know why I even try. You obviously aren't being rational right now. We'll finish this later." Then I would walk off thinking about how good of a job I had done and was so proud and full of myself. And I wondered why I seemed to be stuck in neutral.
I have to accept her feelings as they are at the moment. I can't ever get defensive. I have to remain calm and confident even in the face of what seems to be the certain end of our M. This has been going on for over a year. I have a lot of catching up to do. I am finally starting to understand why things work and why they don't. It does take a lot of self discipline.
