Newbie, H left and wants D, please help

[Sky's Wife]

Hi all,

This is updated version of my first post posted on Separated in August, but seems my thread disappeared in last forum shutdown. Anyway, since then my sitch changed to the worse, so please read and respond. I am so down and need all possible help.

So here is my present sitch: we are both 47, college sweethearts, together 27 years, married 23, with one DD, 22. On 07/27/10 my H told me he wants a divorce. A day earlier I went to my hometown to visit my uncle's family with my DD, and when I came back next day he was not at home. I texted him to ask where he is and he replied he is at the dropzone, will go to his mother's later and come home tomorrow. Then we have to talk seriously, he said. I called him and insisted that we talk immediately and he finally agreed to meet me in my office in half an hour.

Told me he wants a divorce and "please lets finish this amicably and ASAP". Said he can't be with me any more, can't stay in our house any more, feels suffocated and have an urge to run away. Its ok when he is alone or with DD, but if we're alone than he feels he wants out. He also told me he starts to feel depressed again, dark thoughts about suicide started to creep his mind again, and he found himself thinking about what would happen if i.e. my airplane crash and he finds himself alone with DD….". He said I don't love you as a woman any more, but I love you as a friend, as mother of my child, I respect you and highly admire you for your strenght and courage to leave a secure public job to run your own company." When I aske when did you recognise that you don't love me any more, he said don't know, maybe six months ago, but at first I didn't want to admit it to myself. He said there is nobody else in the picture, he is just miserable and can't be with me any more.

What could I do? I told him I will agree on divorce if this is what he really wants, but I asked him to first look for some professional help for himself (having depression issues in mind), to recognise what is bothering him and address it, to define his goals and priorities in life and be clear what he really wants for himself , and then, if he still wanted a divorce, I will sign. He agreed, imeediately, and said yes, I will, I owe you that, at least that. We agreed he will not proceed with filing or any other action to divorce for now, till he comes to conslusions and then we will talk "with cold heads".

So where we are today? He didn't come home after this conversation, stayed at his mom, but didn't move out his stuff either – just took his laptop and one bag of summer clothes, and few other neccessary items. Majority of his possessions, all his hobby stuff, and at least half of his wardrobe stayed at home. He seemed very depressed all those two months of separation, but showed a great concern about my and D's well being, if we miss anything, do we have money etc.

Our communication was rare, no affection at all, but he confided in me some of his health issues and informed me about checkup results. We also spoke a bit about his studying for the last exam to MSc graduate. He stayed true to his word to look for professional help and found a therapist – and then hell loose. After 2 or 3 sessions, on 09/30/10 he texted me „Can we meet, it's time to have a talk“. We met some 15 min later and he told me „I can't return home any more, I want to proceed with D. It is my final decision, and don't even try to persuade me to change it. There is nothing you can do to make me change my decision. I'm done, I have to save myself as I gaain came to the verge of suicide. I'm dying inside…“.

I asked him not to drag me at courts now, to give me some space and time to be able to work on my final thesis and him to work on his, as this is crucial for both of us, we have strict and coming deadlines. He was very adamant that he must go forward, this is the only way to go for him, but somehow it stayed „in the air“ when we finished conversation. He asked to stay friends, and even told we're going to help each other with thesis work.

Since then, I barely heard from him, only two e-mails, not affectionate but not cold either, rather calmed down. Both about some financial issues and him asking if I can prepare some clothes for him, as its getting cold and he needs his suits for a business travel. He says he can't come into appartment, the closest he comes is in the front of the building, he avoids to see me and to talk to me, but if I call he answers. I asked him is it difficult for you to come in appartment and to see me and he said yes. So I suggested to leave garments in his car. One I did, and the second ttime he needed something he asked me to give it to D to hand him out when they meet.

He sent some money every month, texts to D or calls her every day, spend quite a time with her, but always away from home. Now he invited her to accompany him at his next business trip to Norway in November.

The only info I managed to get from him about what happened is that we hurt each other so badly in those last 10 years since he came home after his A that there is nothing left for us. He complained that I never let go and that I checked up on him and followed him. Partially this is true, but only when he lied big time to me, when I wanted to reassure myself that I'm not going crazy but he really lies. But I let go a long time ago.

I just don't know what to do, I love him dearly, and would turn the world upside down for us. I don't want to lose him and our family, I don't believe he doesn't love me any more, because I've seen so many expressions of love from him just recently, just days before he left.

I try to keep myself going on, but honestly, I am at such a low point now that I barely function. Is there a hope? He already moved out once, 10 years ago, and returned back after 6 months. Then we had OW in picture, this time there is nobody and I'm sure about it. Is there a hope this time?

Thank you all for reading and bearing with me, I so much need a support now.


Sky's Wife