What do I think about my husband? I think he is lost, lost in the sense of he really does not understand life, what is im portant, priorities, how to do the right thing.
I think there is good in him, when it suits him, moments of goodness,very immature and selfish. i believe he thought that having a family- meaning me and the kids was going to be easy, you just get married and everything is just dandy.
i believe he is a coward and like most WAS's took the easy route, but doesn't understand that after divorce it is even harder and same arguments are there, on and on and on.
i haven't been good to myself, so i don't think i love myself that well.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
What do I think about my husband? I think he is lost, lost in the sense of he really does not understand life, what is im portant, priorities, how to do the right thing.
I think there is good in him, when it suits him, moments of goodness,very immature and selfish. i believe he thought that having a family- meaning me and the kids was going to be easy, you just get married and everything is just dandy.
i believe he is a coward and like most WAS's took the easy route, but doesn't understand that after divorce it is even harder and same arguments are there, on and on and on.
i haven't been good to myself, so i don't think i love myself that well.
How much of your H's actions do you control?
You can't give away what you don't have. If you don't think you are worth loving why would your H?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I've been reading along but I still have to read up on the beginning of your sitch. I have a quick question for you - why do you feel stuck? What can cause you to become unstuck?
You are only really "stuck" if you think you are. You can become "unstuck" even if all you do at first is change your thinking. So you still love your H, you are still separated, you are still attracted to him. That apart, what is moving forward and evolving in your world? Is there any area in which you can see forward momentum?
I can not see any forward movement at all. I feel stuck since I have the same feelings for him, love and anger, disgust and attraction.
the only things that are moving forward is the stuff i control even with that i do not feel much progression. my job is demanding and not only me but each and every coworker is feeling overwhelmed with all surrounding our profession.
me and the kids 3 yr g, 8 month old boy come home eat dinner, try like heck to do stuff around the house, get bathed, and to bed and do the same again next day.
moving forward, i'd like to just kill the feelings i have for him, i argue with my heart and and mind, i say that because i don't know how to get the opposite, my mind says, lost cause my heart says don't give up.
is that what you mean by moving forward??? or another way?
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
I just read your entire thread since I really didn't know much about your sitch. You just sounded so down on your last posts that I wanted to know what was going on.
First of all, you are a great mother and I can see that you are doing the best for your kids. I can also see that you seriously need to be able to get some rest as well as detach from your sitch. Your kids depend on you and you must stay healthy for them.
Are you still getting a car? Is your H helping with child support at all? I know you spoke with a lawyer but don't recall seeing an update on the CS. I can tell that you are cutting corners and juggling money. It really sounds as if you are wearing yourself very thin and I hope that there is a way you can get some money from him SOON. It is his responsibility and you cannot go on tiring yourself out while you try to provide for the kids singlehandedly.
As for your feelings for H, it is harder to detach when you see someone all the time. But it is not impossible. I don't think that the answer is necessarily to expect to totally stop loving the person immediately, if ever. It is possible that you will continue to love your H or what he used to be for a very long time. And at the same time acknowledge that you should not be together right now. Your H is far from ready to be a responsible father and H. I know that you see that. I also see that you have set you internal deadline.
The fact that you have an internal deadline means that there is some kind of forward momentum or resolution ahead. This is your acknowledgement that things will not remain as they are indefinitely. We all reach our respective cut off points.
@Kara, i'd like to thank you for taking the time to read my posts. I set my internal deadlines and didn't follow thru with them. there have been many times that i have filled out the divorce paperwork, and never did anything with it.
Why? H wants the divorce, h needs to be responsible, i'm not going to make it any easier for him, he can do it. he has gotten better about support and i'm trying not to be so negative about it. i did cut corners, had to get it car, but also had to make my monetary situation exist without depending upon money from him.
I prepared myself today to ask him a question, knowing and bracing myself for the worst, but also not knowing if he could seriously be honnest. as handing off kids, switching cars in my work parking lot, i started: you know it's coming up on a year here we've been seperated, i find mysyelf assuming alot and that is not good, i just ask outright, you've been with other people right?, he laughs and says, "yeah" then in the next breath says while shaking his head "no'. these are normal responses i would get, don't know why i would expect anything else. probably why all through our relationship, i could never tell what was up or down, going off of what he has said and then comparing it to his actions, i never know and then trying to trust my gut feeling,.
as i'm typing this i'm thinking, what the heck are you doing jstar? that is your focus, whether he has been with other women? so i also asked him what his schedule was, something i have done and asked for since what may/june.
i had to put it to him like this, i recently had a week off, fall break, he had no clue it was coming, he's like i can pick the kids up sometime, i say, no did you plan it out a week ina dvance, did you provide me your work schedule?
so the whole 10 days he doesn't see the kids, doesn't inquire teh whole time how they are doing nothing,. come back to work, monday was horrible he flacked off showing up at my work to pick them up, i had to scramble to get care for them, tuesday messes with me, me driving horrible to his place to get the kids to him, all in matter of 15 minutes rush hour traffice. i did it made it, but full of drama.
wed better, thurs better, friday i inquire. i put it to him like this, if you did provide meyour schedule, i probably would ask you to watch the kids so i cuold get my haircut or something that i can not do with the kids.
so he says well i'm off saturday mornings, i stop and look at him and say, you are off saturday mornings and you don't go to d3's soccer practice? he answers, well i'm sleeping like a baby, so no i don't go.....i usually would have jumped off, calle dhim so many names etc. but i just left it at that.
you are right, he is not ready to be a responsible father or husband,, i know this. so back to again i'm stuck.
should i wait to the official year of being seperated and be the responsible one and file? that is how i feel i am stuck. but that can just be a formality.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
