Wanted: Large dose of patience

[Sanderika]

Good Morning Cas,

IMO....for what it's worth....

Your H is finding that he is enjoying being back in your company and good graces. THIS SCARES HIM...He did not expect to find himself in this place again.

In turn (and this is his guilt and fear talking)...HE IS TRYING TO PUSH YOU AWAY with the talk of the divorce once again AND the mention of moving in with OW. If he pushes you away, he's off the hook. This is not what he really wants. Your latest post proves that for sure....

OMG, if he could only hear himself!!! This is actually foolish talk, HE knows he will not move in with her. Your D is right, he has had ample time and numerous invites (I'm Positive), They don't want to move in with them (I know this first hand, my H has had the same opportunities-5 years worth-Where is he? Still living at our Trucking Company office, homeless!! Of his own free will and choice!!)

I know your H loves you very deeply, the only thing keeping him moving forward is his pride along with a heavy dose of fear.

They also do not understand how we can be so kind to them after all they have done and this confuses the h*ll of of them. I think life would be so much easier for them if we were flaming b*tches to them 24/7. After all, this is what they thought they left...only this is not what is. What is, is what was. They left in a MLC mind that was telling them we were the bad guys and life would be grand if they could only get away from us. Their thoughts convinced them that they had to run away. Now they find themselves wanting to run back....They now see the women they fell in love with in the first place (we were here all along). They see their lovely families and warm cozy homes. The things that they want, they already have.

They don't want these OW.

I hear him say "divorce is only a piece of paper".

IMO, It's not!! A divorce is a state of being generally where one spouse wants to be free of the other. A divorce does not have to be permanent, but more often than not it becomes so. A divorce is painful. A divorce causes animosity and hatred even if those feelings were not in place at the beginning.

I hear the same as your H has said. This is the MLC mind telling them that they have come this far with us and are friends therefore that will remain in tact. Just as for us, this is a huge LRT for them, one not to be taken for granted. You're either in or you're out.

For me, my H has pushed me too far, LRT is not a joke. I am in pain and I can't excuse the pain any longer. I see my H waffling without talking. I see him looking at me with a twinkle in his eye. I see him lingering when he is here. I see a man filled with fear. It's not the money talking anymore, he doesn't care about that. I see him struggling with thoughts....I see a man who has royally screwed up everything and knows it.

To me they get to a point where they can be the fixer, they just can't take the step. That is the shameful reality they face. To mask their pain they continue to throw divorce and/or OW in our face. Some continue to spew venom. Others, like mine, think they can call or pop by unannounced, assuming the "I'm your friend" role. They live in denial of their real feelings. They live in denial about the truths we have told them about our feelings.

Back to advice, follow his leads, wrap him in warmth, it was wonderful that you took his offer for pasta sauce. That made him feel good that he was doing good for you.

To me the one who is going to leave the marriage for sure will without looking back and will end the marriage rather quickly.

The one who waffles does not really want to leave. It takes them time to figure this out. Our behaviors definitely dictate their decisions. In the end, it's their choice or ours. In my case I took the choice away from H. If I were you, and had just experienced such a resurgence of connection from my H, I would stay and wait and watch with patience. I think they are the ones who are most likely to return. They are seeking the better option, be the better option.

((((Hugs)))) Cas, you are the better option, your H knows this and loves you.

Sanderika