agree again Truegritter. i realize that Allen could be a tad strident in his postings. just a tad. i am different.
my W did deny it. i exposed to a few people as well, SiL/MiL/wife's close friend from childhood/a good buddy of mine and most importanly the OMW (that helped me more than anything else!!). in the end, they did nothing except for my buddy who was a great support during it all.
embarrass her? no. punish her? no. shock her? yes. like a bucket of cold water. an A thrives on secrecy. it creeps along free from sunlight. it is a fantasy shared by 2 people. my W? it was a great way for her to say I can be loved (by someone else, secretively, in violation of her marital vows, in contradiction to the values we would seek to inculcate in our children) and bc "ILYBNILWY." forget the fact that we have 5 children and OM 4!
u r again correct. most people shy away from such reprimanding behavior. initially. that does not last long. from my conversations w/ OMW and the one and only one with OM (which i will never ever do again bc if he jumps back into the picture he can have her, truly bc i am strong enough to walk away as i deserve better. moreover i KNOW that if they were forced to try and make it work it would collapse like a house of cards... i will not be making mortgage payments on a big house in the burbs for my W to engage in the fantasy of a new life with her uneducated romeo who couldn't afford to replace me financially nor spiritually/physically/emotionally, ba), i was able to end it as i did by exposing as forcefully as i did. didn't wait.
u r right bc everyone does indeed have their own thoughts on the matter. it is matter of preference, taste, etc. i did some research into the matter, and i have found that the approach currently advocated by a majority of FT/MC's does not account enough for the addictive nature of these relationships. i would call exposure an "intervention" if u will.
exposing the A will "raise the bottom" and make these two people face the music. to think that they plan on continuing their A all the while working with blgp? wow. pretty bold. given that it is a work place romance that complicates matters. duh. but does the OW have a spouse, significant other, friends, family...
blgp has a decision to make. there are two seemingly divergent approaches. my support and hopes go out to her as i am sure yours does as well truegritter.
Wow, thanks everyone for your overwhelming responses. I don't plan to expose the A tomorrow at least. That much I know. I need to think about it and my intentions. It is all so sad. The person I married is gone. He is about to destroy his reputation at work. He is her boss. He will lose the respect of the other people that work under/above him. I really have no doubt about that. They will treat him fine and all, but it will never be the same there for him... and word will travel to any other place he goes to, that is how small this profession is. I wish I didn't care about him but I do.
I am generally all about dignity, honor and strength. So, with everything I have worked on in myself in the last 9 weeks, let's hope I can keep going with that in this crisis.
I know work is going to be much harder for me. This sucks so bad as I need the ability to concentrate more now than ever. I am trying to finish my program and this is a crucial time. I am sometimes so angry at his selfishness in this time, I don't even know how to respond.
As far as exposing or not... does it change anyones opinion one way or another that it appears the full on A is just beginning. She appears to be doing most of the pursuing? Then again, he has asked for a divorce, does it really matter? Why the hell doesn't he just file and stop contacting me!!!
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
when the A started or how long it has gone on does not change things. understand that if u expose at his job, there will be consequences, foreseen and unforeseen. he is the one engaged in illicitness however as the OW as well.
"she is the one doing most of the pursuing?" = bs. he told u that? he emailed her, no? he sent her a bday card? i know u would like to believe that it is all her but it takes two to tango. he was the one asking u for a D bc there she was, no?
he has not filed bc he is trying to cake eat. with A's there are 3 possible responses:
1. status quo. he has A, he strings u along, and he enjoys the best of both worlds. 2. tell ur H, fine OW can have u. c ya. easy to say, tough to follow thru. 3. ur H comes to his senses and renounces A. don't bet on it. maybe some of the other posters have seen this but i don't think this happens all too often. when WAS have A's they are in denial. they claim all sorts of bs, "I never loved u," "have not loved u in years," "we were too young when we married," "u have too much hair on your back and always have," blah, blah, blah. dont believe it. 100% of whatever he says is not bound to be true and will only serve to confuse u.
know that we are in the same boat except we are of the opposite sex and some of the details. be strong. u CAN do it.
I'll tell you one thing that exposure accomplishes and it was hit on once before in your Newcomer post. It destroys their secrecy. It really takes the wind out of their sails, but it also pushes them and the A partner closer and faster. It will get uglier before it comes close to getting better.
So again, before you decide to expose, you need to be at a better place. I read more of your thread and really if you keep focusing on YOU and get to the point where you know YOU are the person he was originally attracted to then you will be way ahead. According to your own words, some of the changes have made him notice you so keep that up. You also said some of the things he was attracted to is what is pushing him away. Would all out exposure be a similar behavior of yours that would drive him away faster?
TBH I'm not for the ALL out Exposure, IT IS beneficial for HIM to know you know, but in the end it's going to come down to a choice between you and the OW. Are you at a place where you know what needs she is meeting of his? Have you done your work to fix the part of the marriage where maybe you fell short? If you "expose" and if he came running back would you be at a better place to make your M work? Can you expose to HIM what you know without him "justifying" he's better off with the OW?
It's safe to say that you are NOT open to a 3rd party in your M. That is a very good boundary, but are you STRONG enough to enforce and follow through on this boundary and what it will take to hold that?
Last but not least. YOU are not at fault for HIM having a PA ok? I'm not telling you that you deserved that crap in anyway. Nobody does. However, if you want to WORK on your M and you can forgive him, then I really want you to be prepared for what will be needed anyway.
hey Faith, that sounds like Allen, no? would agree that all out exposure might not work best bc didnt necessarily do that either. did modified approach. in the end, my exposees didnt really help me other than the OMW's. she was the real hero for me. she did some heavy lifting. scared the W and OM as well.
u r so right that u need to be in a better place when u do it. in the end, i came to conclusion that i could walk away and although heartbroken i would be able to hold my head high and live with that decision w/ few regrets. i very much want my M and am willing to fight for it. suspect blgp is as well.
she just needs to be prepared for the "it will get worse before it gets better."
and lastly? the decision to have an affair was wrong and has NOTHING to do with blgp. agreed. the WAS makes that decision and can try to justify it any way they can but fuggedaboutit. no excuses allowed.
Thanks everyone. Don't take me entirely for a fool. I am not blaming this on her. I very well know he left the door wide open for this. He hasn't told me anything about any of this. He doesn't know I know yet. I have read the e-mails and can watch the transition. She knows what she is doing... been there done that.
H and I are not talking about our relationship at all. He runs if it is discussed so I quit a several weeks back. He hasn't brought up D since but on Thursday had brought up refinancing the house to 'pay me'. Which is when I told him I still wanted to closure and to move on.
I am definitely in a better place myself. I realize I can live without him. I am a hundred times more healthy. I have a hell of a lot going for me. I don't want to give up on my M, but this person present right now is not my H and I don't want him. I know he is justifying all of this by saying he told me he wanted a divorce before getting physically involved with her. Plus we are separated (not legally).
I don't have plans to just expose them to everyone at work. But do wonder if I should hint that I know... or flat out tell him yet I am sure he will deny it. He isn't being honest with himself, he certainly isn't going to be honest with me.
Can I walk away? YES.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Faith, Yes, I am in a better place to work on the M. I have been working my butt off on myself. Intimacy was really lacking and he knows I am seeing a therapist specifically for this. What is the OW doing? Making him 'feel like a man', wanted, appreciated, worshipped... I didn't do those things so well. I used the excuse of my training program but really I wasn't taking care of my needs or his. Some was unavoidable, some wasn't. He feels inferior to me in our profession- that I can't change, it is his problem. Could I do a better job of it now? Yes. Would I have to be conscious of my actions everyday. Yes. Would it be a lot of work. Yes. I would be willing to give it a try but, he currently isn't. As long as she is in the picture, I know he won't change his mind.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I agree that your H feels justified in what he is doing because he already asked for a divorce and moved out.
You're right, this is not the man you married. His brain is addled right now with all the hormones rushing through. It creates the fog and makes good decision and judgment making ability very hard.
An affair built on lies and deception very rarely work out long term and usually burn themselves out within 6 months to 2 years.
It does all come down to what you decide to do about your marriage. I agree that full all out exposure in this case would not be the way to go because you have to work there too. I know it's in your face everyday but exposure would make it more so. You've said that this is a crucial time in your career also and a much as possible peaceful work environment is more to your advantage.
It sounds like you have your H intrigued by your 180's and changes. The ow has been down this path before. If you so decide you have no problem being the better option for your H.
I think you are extremely wise in giving yourself time to figure out what YOU want. If you want your H and a new M there is a chance that that can be rebuilt. If you decide that you want to walk away and not look back, you have that option as well.
You are in a unique position with a strength you rarely see this early in a sitch. You have a lot of options in figuring out how you want to handle this.
Wow, thanks, I don't feel like I have options but I sure as hell hope you are right.
During my run this morning, this all came to me with great clarity. My husband idolizes his father. His father had an affair and his parents separated for 1 yr but remained in the same house because of money and kids. They sat the kids down... he must have been around 9 or so, and said they would be getting a divorce. To this day he says he believes his dad did not have an affair, just gave his secretary money. I don't believe my H that he truly believes that or that his dad is innocent but I never pushed the issue. When this first started, I said your parents separated for awhile and worked it out... he said no, this is different... Now I see that it is exactly the same. His dad got involved with someone who worked below him too. He has brought this up more than once in or time together. I realize now that it is something he never dealt with. I am sure he thinks he is much better because he said he wanted a divorce first. So......clarity is one thing, now what the hell do I do with it?
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
just a tad. i am different.