I also feel that divorce changes things - but does the ML person sees that, at this stage? I wonder if there are different types of MLC divorce. There are people here whose spouses decide on divorce early in the MLC and follow it through as decisively as they are able [that is to say, usually with a great deal of contradiction!]. In this case I think they feel that the divorce will help them to sort it all out in their minds, and they will be 'free'.
But there is another type, that many of us experience, where divorce is initiated relatively late in the MLC - often after several years, although they may have talked about it for some time prior to this. It is usually very protracted, taking many months if not years, when in most cases it could be accomplished quickly, if that is what they really wanted
I am not sure what the divorce represents in this case - I think they may be seeking closure on their crisis and their actions during the crisis, and want in some way to start with a clean slate. Even the relationship with us, if my husband is to be believed. Sometimes in all of the stuff they say, there are nuggets of truth. All of it is their 'truth' at the time, but some of it is really true for them.
I suspect that this type of divorce comes, in 'stage' terms, [which I have some uneasiness about, but are helpful if not watched obsessively] when they are entering the later stages of the crisis, and wish to avoid the real crash of facing what they have done. The divorce is a distraction, a weapon, an instrument of control, and an ending of the chaos that has engulfed them, or so they feel.
They are coming out of the tunnel, slowly, and horrified at the devastation. The divorce is usually on and off.
I was told by a friend of mine who went through a MLC not to underestimate the power of guilt and shame that they are experiencing, but not yet able to fully 'own up' to. They do not know how to deal with it. The time we have spent understanding ourselves, growing, and healing, they have spent in acute emotional pain and crisis. Where are their resources for coping with this?
It is a heartbreaking mess, and like so many people here, I am conflicted about my own role. It is very very hard to put aside our own pain, and there is a risk in reaching out to a MLCer that they misinterpret whatever we do. They feel worthless and cannot deal with anyone else's emotional needs.
