to echo one earlier poster, no, you won't get the remorse you believe you deserve. If that's a deal breaker for you, then cut your losses now. No one has the same score card. Of course, SOME actions require remorse to some extent, but getting remorse to the extent you feel you "deserve"? I'd be surprised if that's even possible. So, my point is, whatever you do here, "detaching", GAL, standing, moving on, etc, DO know that you have to lose the scorecard. We simply don't measure things the same way and there are "Events" one partner will literally not even recall, that the other partner might be nursing a grudge about, or fighting a festering wound, or facing shame about an incident that the other partner quite honestly doesn't recall at all, or has a totally different memory of. That's normal in regular life. Add to the normal things, the ingredients of a troubled marriage, and you're bound to have very different score cards. I don't think my h and I will ever recall our marital history the same way. And I wonder if that would be the case regardless of troubles. I mean, all marriages have people with different viewpoints. WItnesses at car accidents don't see the same things. No matter what, you will need to accept this.
To be clear, this does NOT mean if the time comes for a recon, that you won't set up clear boundaries & expectations for rebuilding trust. It does mean you have to lose the score card and looking for "even Steven justice" here. It's basically a question of whether you want to be happy, or "right". And what does it mean to be "right"?
If you want to be happy, you will need to change your life AND your viewpoint. Sounds as if you've done a lot of work on yourself. So now maybe you need to see things differently, and in time, (more than you think) you'll like the results. If you choose, you will be happy again.
But forget about how she feels, what she thinks of the past, etc. Let all that go. Incorporate the strong advice you've gotten here, & doing things differently... You will never ever agree on the past. No couples truly see the past the same way, let alone when there's pain. All that will matter is whether you can agree on thefuture and the foundation of a new M, "From this day forward". Let's hope you get there, if it's best for YOU and the kids. If not, so be it. You'll be alright no matter what. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
