Facing the music

[NotFromThesePart]

You are vicious! Thanks.

Off we go...
"7 or 8 years ago I was a strong, fun guy. Lately I've just been drowning and I think that is why my M is ending."
So you imply here that your wife can "see" you drowning. 7 or 8 years is a long time to watch someone drowning.
Do you think she has thrown you a "life saver" while you were out there drowning?
At what point do you stop throwing people a rope?

She tried. Some people recommend the book, “the 5 love languages” I’ve not read it, but it is on order. I think this has been part of our problem. When she isn’t getting what she needs, she fights. I’m a conflict avoider, so my instinct is to diminish it, explain to her why she is wrong.
This current job was the big leap for the brass ring. When it was clear it wasn’t right, W just wanted to find enjoyment where she could. I wanted to fix it. Moving her back to the states was a way to do that. HUGE MISTAKE. Biggest single mistake of my life. She told me flat out “I think this could break us up”. My answer “oh no, it is only for a few months.” . . . . . . . I didn’t hear what she was saying.

"I want to be the fun guy my W fell in love with. To not worry about money and the future so much. I used to think that IF I had the big house, the good job and some savings THEN things would be OK. THEN I could work on my R. THEN I could give my W what she needed."
But.. is this not what life teaches us? This is what we are supposed to do. Big house.. Big Money.. Big Family.. it is what women want!
But.. when we look at you statement.. you start to understand.. something Big.. was missing.
What do you think it was?

Intimacy.

"I don't want to do that anymore. She is too important. I am too important. Life is too short."

The funny thing is that you put thing in the right order. What do you know about your wife?

I question that now more than ever.

Explain her to me. You could make a list.. or just talk off the cuff. Imagine that I have no idea what a woman is.

Hmm.
- Dissatisfied with herself
- Capable, but does not know it.
- Beautiful
- Sexy
- Disorganized
- Hugely capable of loving
- Sees me like a father
- She comes from a divorced family and absolutely fears becoming her mother who she sees as a narcissist
- Fills her life with stuff, shoes, clothes, sewing equipment, books. She dislikes this tendency
- Flits between one thing and another.
- She does have a tendency to be physically attracted to dangerous guys (climbers, her boss, another guys whose job I can’t say)
- Smart.
- Well read.
- Unsure of herself.
- Has a difficult time planning.
- Hates pretense
- NEEDS to be reassured of just about everything
- Seeks validation of others
- Makes me just smile!
- Thinks of herself as weird, and thinks that if she had shown me her true self early I wouldn’t have picked her
- Has a hard time accepting that I love, respect and cherish her.
That is just off the top of my head. I could go on or dive into any one.

Got it?

"I guess, I want to unwind all the crap in my life."
You can't back up. You can't undo it. With the words.. she has changed it. Now more than ever.. you need to hear what she is saying.
Why do you think she had an affair?
Why would it be difficult for her to walk away from "That guy"?

I think she had the affair for a few reasons.
- She was lonely and was reconsidering our marriage. I think she knew that I wouldn’t end it with her w/o an “unforgivable” sin on her behalf.
- She was testing me. What would I do?
- She was lonely and co-dependent.
But I don’t know. I was far away, we’ve (and I changed that pro-noun from “she” to “we” recently) had issues for years. Maybe it was as simple as she doing something different because what she was doing wasn’t working.
And she likes sex. I’ve neglected her in that department due to my own depression/anxiety.