Facing the music

[NotFromThesePart]

Define "Respected" and "Myself".

Hmm. I think what I'm getting at here comes from recent experience. I've never felt I had the space to screw up a little without there being serious consequences. I guess I get a lot of this from W. She does respect me intellectually at least. But she HATES when I show weakness. Let me give you an example. I’ve been lazy over the last two years. I put on weight and stopped running. I ran a 3:38:00 marathon a few years ago.
I’ve wanted to get back in shape. But I felt I needed support. I wanted to start running, just a little 3 miles 2x per week. I knew I could do that. But I also felt that if I told her that was my plan, she’d mock he and tell me I’m lame and a wimp. So I never started. When we did talk about it, it would start a fight and she’d basically tell me “that is not good enough”.
I felt disrespected and incapable of either standing up to her or getting what I wanted. I have similar stories around sex here.
“Myself” is harder to define. But I know I was happier a few years ago, and I liked myself and felt I was being truer to who I was.

"I want to spend more time outdoors."
Does this include the "family"?

Absolutely! I get tremendous strength from being outside and I love sharing it. But some of the above bled over into this too.

"I want to do some kind of good works. Probably wilderness protection, but it is hard to say."
So. you don't know what you want to do with this part of your life?

No. I don’t. Understand that it is just a part or my life and I know that it is not everything. This will take work, but honestly it’s like number 9 or 10 on my list right now and I can’t disambiguate it from what W wants.

"I want to be physically stronger."
PX-90? I mean you got 30 days.

I can’t get that here, but I am doing it my own way and I feel it is working. But there are people here who can help me. It would be a 180 to reach out to them, so that is my plan.

"I want to run for office."
This is good.. although.. Your goals seem to be "power" oriented.

I don’t know if that is where this is coming from. I have a plan, and again I know it is what W wants, so I’m trying hard to separate those. But I think it comes more from a sense of community. I’m not talking about governor or congress or anything; city council in my town of 1200. Only takes 250 votes.

"How is that?"
It was better.. I expect more.
Last question.. what is your life missing right now?

Apart from the obvious? Relationships. I’m really lonely here. I’ve in part isolated myself, but there is also a part of it that is dumb luck.
The whole situation is forcing me to reach out to people that I basically cut out of my life a few years ago. I am incredibly thankful the.; my sister in particular. She is a new mother but is finding the time for me every day. It is bringing us closer than we’ve ever been.