Wife is cheating, am sad but confused?

[Atossup]

Savemymarr,
Geeez I hope he isnt a red neck too. My W is hooked up with a guy even her son can't beleive she's with. Go figure. She is from chitown and me NJ.

Hang in there hopeless. My W has been gone a month now. She saw me Thurs and said its over for good. I went dark right after. Try to detach. I know I wont hear from her till the W/E is over. When the booze wears off. I even delted her from my Cel. You need to sit back, pretend your at a drivein and observe what is going on. Let your heart heal little by little. Its real hard but if you love your W you need to let the drama play out. My W has alot of guilt right now and it blinds her and bonds her to OM since he was part of it. But under that guilt are her real feelings for me. As that guilt wears away other feelings will come forth. But it takes time.

[HopelessInLove]

Thanks for the encouragement.

I have been a mental mess. I feel the need to protect myself. My parents, brother and bestfriend are the only people who have herd my side and they are trying to be helpful and supportive. They all though more recently been my biased shoulder.

I feel stronger knowing that she is having A, b/c now I do not feel the constant emotion of unilateral guilt. She is also invloved in M crumbling.

My kids are with me the entire weekend. W will have limited contact with us. I have had kids every Friday or Saturday night and then get them again Monday night. W offered for Kids to stay Sunday b/c no school Monday. I jumped at the chance and said I wanted them Friday thru to Monday morning. W about had a break down in front of me. I said that was what I wanted and asked if she wanted something different and if so we could discuss. She paused of about a minute, then I said well I suppose you are okay with my decision. She got angry and said she was not expecting it and was trying to get a grip on not having kids over the weekend.

We have always gone to church regularly as a family. In one conveersation I heard she mentioned about me now going to church and us acting like the perfect couple/Family there. Well the tide has turned this weekend and she asked when I was taking the kids to church and that she could go with.

I think I have enough info to have the law on my side, but I still want the marriage to work out. So I think I will slowly stop taping for my sanity.

How do I handle the separation part right now? I have been out of my house for nearly 2 months now. When all of you say detatch give me some examples. I think you mean just not talking, emailing, texting, trying to engage in any discussion, except about kids, what else? I want to be genuine about all this. I have been smiling more when around her, and a more pleasent mood, but W slams me and says quit all this fake sh!t.

[Atossup]

She thinks your changes are not real and you must keep changing so it sticks. she calls it fake and keep on smiling.
what you have to do is be your old self. The man she fell in love with. Rememeber him? Be kind, gentle. when she needs help offer it but don't expect anything in return. Be unconditional. Just like with your kids.

[HopelessInLove]

Would it be considered pursuing if I were to be offering help all the time? Is it the same as just doing things for her without being asked? ie. folding laundry, dishes etc.

[Grocerykartman]

I don't want to say anything that contradicts your phone coach, but if I read one of your earlier posts correctly, you were encouraged to help her do chores while you were still living at your house, correct? Then you moved out, and have been out for two months, also correct? If so, then yes, that's pursuing, because she has told you she is uncomfortable with it-it puts pressure on her to be grateful to you for doing so. After all, why would you go over to someone else's house and do chores? It's one thing if she asks you to come over and put together a shelving unit or something, or if one of the kids sincerely needs help with something. You do that because it's the right thing to do, you'd help your best friend out, so why not her or your kids? But it's something entirely different if you go out of your way to initiate helping with dishes or laundry. Let her do all her own chores of that sort...you are only showing her you will always be available. Spend that time doing YOUR own chores, or doing something that makes you happy. When she fell in love with you, it wasn't because you did all her chores, giving her the opportunity to think about your relationship.

She doesn't buy that you want to help her. She has slammed you for doing fake "stuff." So stop it. She won't ever have a chance to miss you if you're always presenting yourself as available. I know it feels counter-intuitive, but are your really doing the chores because you want to help? Or instead is it just because you feel like you SHOULD do them, or that MAYBE this will help? Rondo's right, you can't do the chores and then immediately look at her as if to ask: "Well, now what?" She doesn't want to address you every time you've done something for her.

She is treating your separation like an opportunity to scoff at you and see OM. You are treating it like an opportunity to fix what's wrong. You two are on completely different pages, many chapters apart in the book. Doing these chores for her, I hate to say it, will only set you up for further disappointment.

[Savemymarr]

hey HIL, detaching is where u try to remove yourself emotionally from your W and the course she has chosen for herself. going zen if u want to call it that (more on this below). u have to get yourself to a point where u can say if it works out great (i too want my M to work as much as u want yours), and if not then u tried ur best and can leave with ur head held high. Easier said than done, I know.

i do understand that her choice to leave the M and have A is affecting u and ur children, but ultimately her choice to have the A (whatever the circumstances and the role u played in the deterioration of ur M should NOT be considered a part of that) was exactly that: her choice. Rest assured ur W has guilt. She DOES. If her faith and religion were a big part of who she was (like my W the catechist, ha), then she realizes that her A is infidelity and a sin in the eyes of God. When she reacts angrily with u and tries to wind u up, she is attempting to assuage her guilt by converting it into anger. This is probably not a conscious act on her part, but rather an unconscious compensatory mechanism. That anger makes it easier for her to deal with the guilt bc it replaces it. It takes the pressure off of her. U being civil runs counter to the anger and helps to refocus her on her own guilt. It is like MWD’s 180s but different.

A spouse in the midst of an A almost expects anger and venom from the LBS. when u react in what one would call a typical reaction to the A, that actually does u more harm than good in the long run. Ur anger and lashing out at her, railing away at her choices, bashing her over her mistakes and poor choice of having the A will just PUSH her away further. U have to do the counterintuitive thing. Not mean but nice. Do not be a pushover and agree with not doing the chores, etc. do not let her cake eat and think that u accept her A and will turn a blind eye to it by being her patsy and “helping” her anyway. Besides it does put her in spot of having to say thank u. U need to take the pressure away. Be that guy she fell in love with. Be that dad u always wanted to be. Enjoy ur children’s company, live in this moment. They are still ur children and she is still ur W. maybe next year it will be different but we are not in next year but here now.

u go to church, yes? for a long time i was blind to my faith and only recently as i was going thru this ordeal did i re-discover it. Typical, no? rather than blame God for my troubles (the typical “why me” syndrome) though, I realized that God was there for me all along. I take peace in knowing that I have God to console me and give me strength/peace. We took our vows under God (u really have to read Penny Tupy’s take on this her “Overcoming Infidelity Part 1” in one of the appendixes, and I would absolutely love to have part 2 but do not know where to find it) and until “death do u part” means just that: not until death do u part or when it’s no longer convenient. True Gritter said it best. That’s a helluva ache in the cowboys. What do u do now? U r being tested amigo. u either stand up or fold.

To paraphrase something by Abraham Lincoln, the true mark of a man is how he responds to adversity. Well? How will u respond? I think u will be the man u always have and thought u could be. U r in this for the long haul. U r not alone. I am in the same boat. Rondo too. Truegritter. There are lots of us. U love her. U committed to her. U have those beautiful little people that u brought into this world with her. Now that things are rough, don’t give up now.

[Truegritter]

Would it be considered pursuing if I were to be offering help all the time?

What is the purpose of offering her help?

So she will think you are kind?

So she will consider reconciling?

Detachment is when you try to remove yourself from the emotion and pain of your current situation.

Doing things for her and expecting outcomes will cause you pain.

a good guide in this is to ask yourself why you are doing something.

If it is attached to some outcome. Some expectation. probably not good for you.

You learn to do this by making mistakes. Just learn from them and do better.

Tactics are tactics and as you have found out she can sniff you out like a drug dog in the Miami airport.

Your changes have to be real. And to get to what you have to change you gotta stop focusing on her and look in the mirror.

Find what you don't like about yourself. And kill it.

Actions not words HIL.

You are still attached.

Detach. That is the first step.

Detaching doesn't mean you don't care. It might feel weird or counterintuitive.

You have to do it.

[Savemymarr]

Truegritter agains speaks words of truth. detach means letting go and not allowing yourself to feel emotionally tied to ur W. she is all over the place, truly. if u allow her then she will drag u down that wayward path with her. do not allow her.

my W and I have 5 kids. the OM had 4. did these 2 effing people think they were going to have a life together? he lives in FL w/ his W and family (but was working up here for 6 months until recently moving back) who went to grade school w/ my W and it all started as EA on FB before progressing to PA. no. he was not going to move into my house. get that bulldozer first.

u too need to stop accepting pandering to her. helping her now that u r out of the house only sends the message that this all ok. it is most decidedly not. is the OM married? does he have a W and family? did u expose? do not allow her to sneak around and pretend there is no cost associated with her actions and her A. u obviously have intel. use it if u have not already. seriously. google exposing infidelity, harley. u will find it.

there is an underlying attachment betw u two. but detaching means salving ur feelings bc right now she has ZERO regard for them.

here is Tupy's overcoming infidelity part 1 courtesy of Allen. where is he BTW? booted off the forum?

http://24.141.78.27/overcominginfidelity.pdf

tried opening it tho w/ no success.

[HopelessInLove]

SMM,

OM is about 20 years older and has 2 college age children. That is one hard kick in the cowboys to me. He was M about 10-15 years ago, W had A with OM and she left him. She left with a friend of mine's dad, and that R never worked out.

I have slightly exposed A. In its earlier stage when I suspected an EA, I told her that she needed to break it off and she gave me the whole line of sh!t, if I was having A I would have been more intelligent about it, he and I only talk about work, etc. I now know that all that happened was I pushed it deeper and probably to the point where it has become physical.

I want to see my L and get the details on my rights. I recently decided to close a business which I started over a year ago, something which I felt would help financially in the future and give us more opportunity to be a family and do more together. I now have a lot of debt from the business which she did not sign on for the loan with me. I will have some stability finiancially soon but I have nothing right now. If I go and expose she may go to a L and I could lose everthing- house, and primary custody of kids.

I may just decide to wait for a while, work more on myself and GAL. I was just rereading DR, putting pressure may just push my W away even more. Maybe?

[HopelessInLove]

I have been struggling with thoughts of moving back in to house. I know it may be the wrong move for me I just need perspective. I know that I can detach better if out of the house.

And something I left out the OM is supposedly engaged (that was what my W told me before about OM). Maybe OM is engaged to my W, LOL. W has not worn wedding rings for 5 years now. Before W said ILYBNIL she and another married friend were out, this friend does not wear her rings either, were talking to a friend who owns a resturant. He said something to the effect of why they were not married. W and friend told the owner we are, we just don't feel it necessary to have the rings on and to flaunt it, besides we know what our limits are. How messed up that is?

Had a great time with kids this weekend. Went to the park, played around house, spent individual time with each child, and took them to church. W ended up being at church with us. During the sign of peace she even leaned in and kissed my cheek. Was not expecting it and just kept on moving. I acted as if.