How should I handle MLC direct lying?

[Mach1]

I'm with Grit here...

What is your goal with this ?

If it is to punish him, then you are looking at it wrong.

If it is because you have been out, living your life, and you haven't had time to respond....

Then you are on the right track.

Be careful anytime you use the words "I" and "you" in your responses.....they are usually guilt laden sermons to the MLCer....

[amg2]

I may not be sure of goals, but I am sure of some things: I'm better when I dont communicate with him. He can do no right anymore-not that he does much of anything. If he asks me to do an activity I get rattled/mad and had started saying no to all before NC. Mainly bc its obvious he's squeezing me in w 'something else'. I don't necessarily like that NC is what seems to be needed. BUT I have started accepting that 8 months of no progress this doest't seem likely to get reapired.

I dont' think NC is to punish him, but if it benefits me and rattles him, I do get a bit of satisfaction.

[Truegritter]

If he asks me to do an activity I get rattled/mad

This is why to have a boundary of limited or no contact.

This

Mainly bc its obvious he's squeezing me in w 'something else'.

Assume you mean OW? Or his chosen MLC du jour?

Then you need to try to deal with these feeling because you can't control what he is feeling/doing and

So

You need to move past this. This is the MLC or whatever you want to call it. It is his choice and the boundary won't effect it.

It is expectation that his behavior will change because of the boundary.

A subtle difference between the two.

Boundaries are for your protection...

Not to teach moral lessons.

[TimeHeals]

Mainly bc its obvious he's squeezing me in w 'something else'.

I don't actually know what this means. Is it just mind reading? Is it an expectation based on the past? It's hard to stay anchored in the moment in close personal relationships. Often, we will project our own personal past onto whoever we are with and follow ego-driven scripts in our interactions with them.

As for setting a boundary about being friends with somebody you have been married to. I don't believe it's a good thing to try and normalize a dysfunctional relationship by "being friends". If you are going to move on, a new partner won't want the old one hanging around all of the time... and for good reasons. If you are going to eventually reconcile, it's going to take more commitment than "let's be buddies". It's a lose/lose proposition, IMO.

[amg2]

I'm not willing to be friends with him if we D. 'Squeezing me in with other things' is unfortunately not something I imagine.Example: he spends Fri and Sat w ? and asks me to do things on Sunday or during week. It's really pretty obvious.

[TimeHeals]

Just read your first post. So you suspect an OW may still be in his life?

If that's so... then just go and find joy in your life assuming you have taken steps to protect yourself financially. When or if it's time to move on, you will know.

If you have a reasonable boundary about not being in an open marriage or normalizing cheating, then stay dark and enforce the boundary. If that A ends, and he comes to you willing to be completely transparent, that's another matter. Dark is reasonable considering.

[amg2]

Need advice: Have been NC w H for a couple of weeks now. Very dim a few weeks prior to that. I don't know if H is having any kind of A, as I don't follow his activity. When he questioned my NC I said "I wasn't able to be in a relationship with him while he behaved inappropriately as a H."

I have now rec'd a text from him asking if he can email me a list of items he'd like me to "let him have" from the house, and that he'll sign of on whatever I want him to (D, house) if he can have these items. He also states that we can talk if I want, but he doesn't want to invade my space since he senses I don't want to talk any more.

Do I respond? I feel like this is heading for D but have not filed or picked a lawyer. I feel like him saying he isn't going to 'invade my space' by talking to me is a cop out, way for him to blame me for 8 months of HIM not saying anything about his As, getting a D, our M, anything. At begining of NC he said that he knew he hadn't stepped up and talked/communicated like he should have.

Any advice appreciated. NC means talking business, and I'm not sure if this qualifies.

[Truegritter]

Do I respond? I feel like this is heading for D but have not filed or picked a lawyer.

Do you want a divorce?

You are dark and not communicating because?

If it is a boundary to protect you I think you tell him that right now your trying to sort your feelings out. And not speaking to him is what you feel is best for YOU.

If that's true.

If you are trying to control or force a behavior out of him then you are right to feel a bit confused.

I would ask him what he wants to talk about.

Think about what you want here Amg.

Why you went NC to begin with.

What does it look like to you when you would be willing to talk to him?

[amg2]

I don't WANT a D, but don't realistically see the M being repaired. Especially when he hasn't addressed ANYTHING, either way, in 8 months.

The NC is truly a boundary for me. I've been so much more at peace when not dealing with him. It seems like it's true that I'm using peaceful time to just "be" but am not spending a lot of time deciding anything, making move toward D.

I'm not willing to talk to him (in person) about D or ownership of items. We can D w/o seeing each other. I guess I'm not really willing to talk to him about anything unless/until he mans up and says SOMETHING, ANYTHING about D, M, A...anything. What drives me most crazy is when I texted him about house ownership he said wasn't going to D by text and that he knew he hadn't "stepped up" to talk. That was 2 weeks ago and he still hasn't stepped up to to talk. Except NOW that I'm NC he can blame ME for HIS not talking.

uggggh. thanks.

[Twink]

AMG, it sounds to me as if he asking you to participate in an asset split without actually stepping up, making a decision, and filing for either a LS or a D. He is trying to use your NC to make this easy on himself. "I won't make you talk to me. Just agree to do what I want." I would not trust his promise to sign off on anything, and I would not respond. If you feel you must reply, you can simply tell him that you will discuss a division of property when it becomes legally necessary. Don't help him.