Now I'm Walking Away Part 2

[FindingMyVoice]

Last night she said she wanted to do whatever would make me happy.

Hi Pinhead, I know you're convinced that you're right in this perception so I'm not going to bother trying to suggest otherwise.

I think when it comes down to it, she's probably just really confused, just like you are. I hope that this is just that phase where things get worse, before they get better. Whatever way it goes, my heart goes out to you.

Take care, FMV.

[pinhead]

Oh, I'm not convinced at all! That's why I'm so confused now.

And don't doubt for a second that I value your perspective tremendously.

[FindingMyVoice]

Oh, I'm not convinced at all! That's why I'm so confused now.

Oh! That actually kind of surprises me... the way you were talking it sounded like you kind of had your 'heels dug in' about it! And I have to admit, when you talked about her not kissing... well that surprised me. (Frankly I think she's watched that old Julia Roberts movie 'Pretty Woman' too many times) Anyways I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but all I really know is that although things may never be as perfect as we hope, they also rarely turn out as badly as we fear.

All you can really do is to keep asserting yourself, speaking your needs, and do the best you can to communicate honestly, clearly and with self-respect and integrity. Someone said to me the other day that all you have to do is do 'the next right thing'. That just made sense to me; after all, what else can be done?

And don't doubt for a second that I value your perspective tremendously.

PS that's very kind... although I'm not sure my perspective is that valuable, but you sure have my respect and support.

[pinhead]

She loves Julia Roberts! So I wouldn't be surprised if she picked that up from Pretty Woman. Being a guy, I can't understand how kissing can be more intimate than sex, but, like I said, I'm a guy. And when we first were trying to make this work, even before we had gone to MC, she said that I'd need to give her time before any ML, because that would be too intimate. So we have progressed a lot in a short amount of time when you check your perspective.

I'm going to give this some more thought in the next day or so. This is probably the biggest decision I'll make in my life, and I want to make sure the choice I make is for the right reasons, and not from being hurt, angry or fatigued.

[Lotus]

Gee, it would be so great if only there was some kind of retreat you could go to and sort your thoughts and feelings out. Someplace where they are sympathetic to people with marital problems and know how to help them work through it!

[v1olin]

I would have to agree with Lotus. Retro seems to be the perfect thing for you two to try. Your W actually WANTS to make you happy? That is a great first step.

[pookie69]

I got the ILYBINIWY speech. She said we've grown apart, and she didn't "love me the way a wife should love a husband." I was devastated.

She's not attracted to you.

"You sounded upset on the phone, is everything ok?"

Why ask that? You already know the answer.

And she said "No! Aren't you stressed out too?"

I just kind of shrugged.

That's weak. Stop taking her temperature.



Here's what I "see" in you. You are afraid to take action but you want to control everything by stonewalling - stop going to MC because it mads you "feel" upset. Your wife won't be attracted to a emotionally weak man.
You sound very scared, unsure of yourself and angry deep down. You exhibit passive-aggressive, co-dependent and pessimistic behavior.

Stop letting your feelings control you. Make yourself responsible for your own happiness. You have a choice in how you think, feel, and act.

She will notice when you start acting like a man.


Cheers

I assume you mean this one?

Painful to read now.

I was hoping that reading it again you'll realize how on the spot Coach was and how far you have come once you learned what to do.

It's painful for me to read that you are debating yourself to give up.

Your W is working on herself.

Lead.

[pinhead]

It was painful because I still see so much of that behaviour/thinking in me.

[john28]

Pinhead.

Get your ass to Retro. Stat.

Really man, there are tons of people here recommending it.

[FindingMyVoice]

Being a guy, I can't understand how kissing can be more intimate than sex, but, like I said, I'm a guy.

Well, I'd question that too. IDK, I'm gathering from some of your discussions with pookie that she hadn't always felt that? If she hasn't, do you think it's her way of setting a little boundary, because she (like you) is not quite feeling 'emotionally safe' yet?

I found that even when my H and I started becoming more intimate (emotionally and physically) I started throwing up walls. And I was the one asking for more intimacy!

Hey, what do you think of that...? Now that she's coming around, you're wanting to run...do you think that might be just your reaction to the changes? When you've had an emotionally distant marriage, becoming more intimate can be really stressful you know. That emotional distance in some ways keeps BOTH parties safe. We didn't have to deal with conflict. We could just withdraw. And now that we're having to deal with stuff... well, it's stressful. It can make us want to run. IDK. Just one of my 'theories'.. feel free to take it or leave it!

I want to make sure the choice I make is for the right reasons, and not from being hurt, angry or fatigued.

Good for you Pinhead. That's a very responsible way to make a decision like this. PS - Did you also re-read Pookie's post on page 11 - the last post on that page? I thought that was particularly insightful.