Blindsided

[FaithnAK]

I don't really believe in 'MLC' - I do believe that at different times of our lives we can have a 'transitional crisis'....age doesn't always seem a good gauge.

I agree.

Stay mysterious/dim and focus on what he was attracted to originally. Sounds like it is working a little bit already. Leave the exposure alone for right now until you get some more feedback because you don't want to scare him away to her either.

Hang in there. The DB coach has helped me a lot btw. I can't recommend one enough.

[evolve35]

Will continue to focus on myself like crazy. Trying not to think about how tomorrow will go... but can't help it.

[seeking answers]

I do believe in MLC whole heartedly.

The biggest difference I see between a WA spouse and a MLCer is that the WA will plan for the event of leaving. Often making sure there's a place to live such as an apartment or having the spouse move out and the finances are in order.

A MLCer doesn't generally plan. My H for instance re-met the ow he dated in HS 40 years previously at her father's funeral home viewing. He moved in with her 2 weeks later, blindsiding his family and friends.

We all go through life transitions. It's when a transition runs off the tracks that it becomes a crisis. Depression can certainly derail the train.

MLCer or WA, doesn't really matter you still DB if you want to try and save your marriage.

[evolve35]

He definitely didn't plan. He had no idea what a divorce entailed until after he said he wanted out. Although, this is also his personality. Make a decision, THEN think about consequences. I want to DB, just at a loss right now.
The OW... not her first time being involved with a married man.

[seeking answers]

Almost all cheaters definitely affair down...

[Mrs. A]

Hi BLGP,

I just read up on your sitch and you are definitely in a tough place! It sucks.

From my own personal experience, I have one recommendation: don't give yourself or your husband a pass because you think he's "going through a depression."

I did that for awhile and it didn't help me at all. For me, waiting for my husband's depression to pass and/or for him to miss me basically ended up being wasted time - he was out having new experiences while I was just sitting around and waiting for him to come to his senses.

[Truegritter]

I don't really believe in 'MLC' - I do believe that at different times of our lives we can have a 'transitional crisis'....age doesn't always seem a good gauge.

I hate the label too becuase it doesn't appropriately describe what's happening.

It is a crisis. later in life. Mid Life? Depends how long you live right?

So we just use MLC. Anyway MLC=Confusion And usually depression is present and is triggered by some life changing event or circumstance. Also the turmoil is reconciling unresolved childhood issues.

I would not dismiss it entirely just because of age.

The advice is different if you think he might be MLC. Read the resources on that board.

No one here is a qualified (to my knowledge) health professional so it falls upon you to do your own research on the topic.

I posted also to your thread in infedility. Catch up with you there.

[evolve35]

MLC or not, I don't recognize the person he is right now.
He doesn't get a free pass for depression. I am doing my best not to wait around for him. I am GALing. Sometimes with much effort, sometimes effortlessly.
Regardless of what happens in my M, I will be stronger after all of this. I am confronting my own issues head on. A big one this week, will write a letter to my brother to address his alcoholism and my love/forgiveness of him about past hurts as children. Been meaning to make my family closer in my life. Now is the time.

[evolve35]

Wow, thanks, I don't feel like I have options but I sure as hell hope you are right.

During my run this morning, this all came to me with great clarity. My husband idolizes his father. His father had an affair and his parents separated for 1 yr but remained in the same house because of money and kids. They sat the kids down... he must have been around 9 or so, and said they would be getting a divorce. To this day he says he believes his dad did not have an affair, just gave his secretary money. I don't believe my H that he truly believes that or that his dad is innocent but I never pushed the issue.
When this first started, I said your parents separated for awhile and worked it out... he said no, this is different... Now I see that it is exactly the same. His dad got involved with someone who worked below him too.
He has brought this up more than once in or time together. I realize now that it is something he never dealt with. I am sure he thinks he is much better because he said he wanted a divorce first.
So......clarity is one thing, now what the hell do I do with it?

[gutwrenching]

Ok - this is tough. You're getting a lot of good advice. The biggest piece is breathe. Stay calm, think this thru. To expose or not is tough, you certainly don't want to do it on emotions (I made that mistake...). You certainly want enough evidence because your H is going to deny, deny, deny and have these great excues lined up. You need concrete evidence IF you choose to expose. There are varying opinions out there on wether or not to expose.

As far as your H goes, his behavior seems to indicate guilt over what he is doing.

Only you can decide if an A is a deal breaker. There are many on these boards that have overcome As and many that have not.

Keep posting your thoughts, vent your emotions here, and throw your ideas out here for others to help you wicker thru.

I also personally completely agree with treating your H like an acquaintance. Nothing more than you would treat a co-worker, not a great friend co-worker, but just one that you have average/normal friendship with. Give him a taste right now of what life without you will be like. Acquaintance mode!