hey HIL, detaching is where u try to remove yourself emotionally from your W and the course she has chosen for herself. going zen if u want to call it that (more on this below). u have to get yourself to a point where u can say if it works out great (i too want my M to work as much as u want yours), and if not then u tried ur best and can leave with ur head held high. Easier said than done, I know.
i do understand that her choice to leave the M and have A is affecting u and ur children, but ultimately her choice to have the A (whatever the circumstances and the role u played in the deterioration of ur M should NOT be considered a part of that) was exactly that: her choice. Rest assured ur W has guilt. She DOES. If her faith and religion were a big part of who she was (like my W the catechist, ha), then she realizes that her A is infidelity and a sin in the eyes of God. When she reacts angrily with u and tries to wind u up, she is attempting to assuage her guilt by converting it into anger. This is probably not a conscious act on her part, but rather an unconscious compensatory mechanism. That anger makes it easier for her to deal with the guilt bc it replaces it. It takes the pressure off of her. U being civil runs counter to the anger and helps to refocus her on her own guilt. It is like MWD’s 180s but different.
A spouse in the midst of an A almost expects anger and venom from the LBS. when u react in what one would call a typical reaction to the A, that actually does u more harm than good in the long run. Ur anger and lashing out at her, railing away at her choices, bashing her over her mistakes and poor choice of having the A will just PUSH her away further. U have to do the counterintuitive thing. Not mean but nice. Do not be a pushover and agree with not doing the chores, etc. do not let her cake eat and think that u accept her A and will turn a blind eye to it by being her patsy and “helping” her anyway. Besides it does put her in spot of having to say thank u. U need to take the pressure away. Be that guy she fell in love with. Be that dad u always wanted to be. Enjoy ur children’s company, live in this moment. They are still ur children and she is still ur W. maybe next year it will be different but we are not in next year but here now.
u go to church, yes? for a long time i was blind to my faith and only recently as i was going thru this ordeal did i re-discover it. Typical, no? rather than blame God for my troubles (the typical “why me” syndrome) though, I realized that God was there for me all along. I take peace in knowing that I have God to console me and give me strength/peace. We took our vows under God (u really have to read Penny Tupy’s take on this her “Overcoming Infidelity Part 1” in one of the appendixes, and I would absolutely love to have part 2 but do not know where to find it) and until “death do u part” means just that: not until death do u part or when it’s no longer convenient. True Gritter said it best. That’s a helluva ache in the cowboys. What do u do now? U r being tested amigo. u either stand up or fold.
To paraphrase something by Abraham Lincoln, the true mark of a man is how he responds to adversity. Well? How will u respond? I think u will be the man u always have and thought u could be. U r in this for the long haul. U r not alone. I am in the same boat. Rondo too. Truegritter. There are lots of us. U love her. U committed to her. U have those beautiful little people that u brought into this world with her. Now that things are rough, don’t give up now.
