Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

Another rough weekend. S must either have a new flu bug or had a relapse. He was fighting a 101 fever all weekend and was just miserable. A lot of long nights for me again. =/

Interesting weekend on the H front though. Things are "back to normal" so to speak. After the attack on Thursday night, Friday night, he was back to his old conversational texts, remarking how busy it was at work that night, etc. Saturday was kind of the same and I let him know how sick S was again. Saturday night, he asked if we were going to church on Sunday, which we weren't b/c S was too sick (but not like it matters anyways, b/c H has never gotten there before the time we would have been home anyways). He said he wanted to come see S on Sunday but had to take pics of the new place first(btw, Tuesday is the last day at the old place). Sunday comes and he takes forever to get there. S is supposed to go down for his nap by 2, but H doesn't even get there until 2:15, so he saw S for like 15 mins & then S was too tired & grouchy and had to go down for his nap. So then we have some time to talk, so H is looking at the newspaper ads, and talking about going to the new place, but totally coming off as a cocky jerk. (ie. how every server at the old place had asked to come with him to work at the new place; how all the customers said they only come when he works there, etc etc). I had to do all I could not to continuously roll my eyes. Then he brought up his apartment again. He said how he wanted to do month to month, but they were going to raise his rent by $300 a month! Then he said according to the original lease, he can do a 3 to 6 months at the current rate, so he's going to do 3 months. Interesting though. I guess I'm just scared to dive into it more, so I didn't ask any questions, but I would have to assume this has to do with us, right? Why else not just renew for longer? He said he likes that place - his neighbors are quiet, he has a close parking spot, rent is decent. On the other hand, I'm still quite put off that he hasn't invited me there. Yes, I could probably do an ulitimatum like thing to get in, but I want him to WANT to have me there. Also, while we were talking, I asked if he was feeling less dark now. He said, that yes, he was still stressed, but the darkness let up a couple of days ago (surprise, suprise, right when he got back to normal texting me. I wonder if he made that connection too? Probably not - he's not usually that insightful).

After he left, it put me in a weird funk again. I have been doing just fine without him for these two weeks. I hadn't seen him, and really I was ok with it (& in some ways happy not to be dealing with his drama in person). But after I saw him on Sunday, and after we got thru the initial cocky talk and had some real talk, all the feelings came back and I missed him and felt lonely. My heart feels so sad, but my brain keeps trying to bring back reason ("look what he keeps doing to you", "can u really ever trust him?", "how do you know there's not another OW right now or even still OW3?") It grounds me a little, but I'm definitely feeling the lonliness right now. When we're together, it's like we're good together and are meant to be together...but then the rest of life gets in the way. I had a nostalgic morning too. I drove by OUR house that's being rented out now, and teared up thinking, I just want my house back and more than anything, I just want my family back!

Last thing to note. We were texting last night & H asked if I still had some fancy watches of his. At first I joked that I had sold him, but I had them still. H then says how he would like to trade in one of them to get me a nice watch ("since a good timepiece lasts forever" he says). I didn't really know how to respond, so I just said that that would be nice. What's up with this expensive gift stage going on with these H's! Well, more importantly though, is we'll see if he actually follows thru. So I'm not exactly sure where my emotions are at right now. So much of me wants it to work, but I don't know, i just look at him & I can't imagine him ever really changing....

[awest1217]

All I can say is I completely understand.

[Lucky11too]

Yay! The boards are back up again. It's actually been an interesting week since I last posted. Starting with S, he was just such a sick boy and broke my heart! =( He just couldn't get rid of his fever (we were going on 5 days), so I took him to the dr last Tuesday. The dr couldn't find anything specifically wrong with him, but b/c the fever sounded suspicious, he gave him some anti-biotics. S is all better now and is back to his wild crazy self! Yay.

With H, well all I can say is that he reminds me of the kids tune "and when you're up you're up, and when you're down you're down, and when you're only half-way up, you're neither up or down". haha. Well, H has been on the up and my life has been wonderful these past 10 days (yay). I feel like we are dating teenagers again. He invited and took me out to dinner last Thursday and then came over to have dinner with me and S on Friday. He texts everyday to ask how my day is, says good night at night - it's the works. It feels good to receive so much affection, but I can't help but feel reserved in my emotions just waiting for the next low. I'm trying to enjoy it and encourage progress in our R, but still trying to protect myself as well. I had a surprising instance where I invited H to come with my family on our outing (apple picking!), but H ended up having to work and suggested the following weekend, but b/c I had already made plans with my parents to go, so it couldn't be changed. I was waiting for the blowup, but instead he just said to take good pics! Obviously it just depends where he is at emotionally, b/c S's 1st apple experience is a way bigger deal than some stupid dinner with my neighbors, but what a different outcome! This week continues to go well. Today was the first day they opened the new place for lunch and H invited me to come visit him (the new place is actually super close to my work). I did and since there was only 1 customer there, we had a great time talking. He showed me the place & asked my opinion about paint colors for it, etc. Good times! And he even invited me back tomorrow (but I have to pick up S from preschool tomorrow) and suggested I come back on a night and try the real food. (the lunch menu is small and boring). We've already made plans to have dinner on Friday night and hopefully take S out somewhere fun on Saturday. It's geat to see H so happy right now (and also so into me). I just keep hoping he'll see what we "can" be and work with me to work on us. I know that conversation about us and our future needs to come up here shortly, so I hope this progress continues! I'm trying not to get too optimistic b/c I know this is really just a temporary high, but I figure I might as well enjoy it and make the most out of it. How to acutally get this to move onto the next stage tho is completely beyond me!

[awest1217]

IT is awesome that things are going well. Maybe having his "place" is really something he needed. He probably feels very validated.

I hope things keep going well.

[Lucky11too]

Things continue to go well. The weekend went great. H took off Friday night and spent it with me (he was supposed to come early enough to have dinner w/ S and I, but some things happened at work, so he came a little later). We had brunch together as a family on Saturday. H had to work the rest of Saturday day, but then came back over that night. Today we took S to the park and fed the ducks and did a pony ride. S had the best time! It was all just comfortable and good. We talked briefly about his anger issues and he remarked again how he needs to go back to the dr so can get his emotions stablized out. He didn't admit to being unreasonable on his last attack on me, but he did state about what a bad low that was a few weeks ago. I hope he does go back to the dr, b/c I want to see him more often like he was this weekend - smiling, happy, easy to get along with. The other H is impossible to reason with, talk to, just everything! Another interesting thing is that he did remark how he would not want to move back to this area again (not in regards to us, but it was a response about not wanting to be too close to the new business), so I wonder how that fits with putting us back in his life??

I'm not so naive that I actually believe that this fairy tale can continue like this forever, but I'm hoping it's the stepping stone to something better. It's so hard to know what H is thinking exactly tho. I have a little time so I'm just letting things play out and enjoying the fun times right now, but I also always feel this small sense of dread, b/c I know the big issues need to be addressed at some point & this little fairy tale will come to an end. S has been doing something interesting recently too. He seems all in to the "mom" and "dad" roles. He points at the "mom" and "dad" characters in his books or on tv and was having his stuffed elephant "dad" hug the baby elephant. I'm not sure what is going thru his head. It doesn't seem like he misses H at all when he's not here and really doesn't seem all that attached to him when he is. I don't know if he's just coming to an awareness now of what a "traditional family" is, but even so, it doesn't seem to have to do with his emotions for H. With me tho, he's become more clingy and needy (a stage he's going thru?) I have never had trouble with him going to sleep and sleeping thru the night since he was 9 months old, but now he'll cling on to me when I try to put him down to bed and wakes up at least once a night calling "mommmy, mommy" until I come in. I feel like somethings going on in his little head, but I don't understand what it is.

Well, I expect another busy week ahead. My bosses father had passed away last week (always very said), but then since he was out taking care of things, it made it even busier for me!

[awest1217]

With S, it is really a phase. I don't think he will understand a "traditional" family until he goes to school, and just from my experience as a teacher those are very rare so he will be part of the majority not the minority. It is actually really good that S has the daddy give baby a hug. My S never has done that. It was always mommy and that worried me so if I were you. I would just encourage him and watch. He is going through normal mile stones.

With the sleeping, I talked to my doctor when S started to not sleep well (around 18 months) and he said it is normal. S is now aware of the world continuing when he sleeps and just feels like he is missing out. He wants to be around you more and that is all normal. Don't worry all is normal for any kid.

Hope the week isn't too bad.

[awest1217]

Hope all is well!

[Lucky11too]

Thanks. All is going ok, I just feel like I've been on autopilot this week. Work has been extra hectic again, so it's been get up, work, come home, eat, take care of S, sleep...and then the same next day. I haven't been sleeping very well either, so that has been leaving me extra tired. I think it has somewhat to do with H, just thinking about everything. Things are going smoothly (for now, until his next breakdown) and he's asked me to come to lunch a few times at the new place (one day I could and other day I couldn't). Besides lunch tho, I haven't seen him much this week or weekend. He's been working crazy hours (which is good as idle hands seem to find their way into trouble, but bad b/c no time for us). He's been texting alot and keeping the communication up tho which is good. I guess here is a breakdown of things on my mind. 1) Priorites - will he ever make us a priority? Yes, making a living is important but so is time with family. His dad missed out on his childhood b/c he worked all the time and H kind of resents him for that...but now's he's doing the same thing to S! 2) The fear of reconciling but being back on these boards in a year or two. I keep seeing people's signature lines where they say "reconciled" at some date only to say "spouse filed" or some other bomb in the future (Awest-I know you said your friend went thru the same thing). So it's like how do you know if it's real? So I'm definitely just going along with life right now, but I just can't help to have some things on my mind...

[awest1217]

I hear you. I finally slept well on Friday night sleeping for 11.5 hours, but I am still exhausted. My body must be fighting off the virus S had.

With H it is good he is keeping contact, but you never know what the future holds. My friend and her X went through marriage counseling and even went on a 2nd honeymoon, only to find out he was seein the OW that whole time. However I have an older couple where he left her with 2 kids. I don't know for how long, but they reconciled and now are teaching a marriage support class at their church. It really depends on you and H. That is what is hard about this whole process, you learn that you have no idea what the future holds and you are not in control and that is scary. I hope this week isn't as crazy.

[Lucky11too]

Feeling a litte down today. I was bugged by something last night. So H and I have not seen each other since I stopped by at lunch last wed and haven't really hung out since that previous weekend b/c of his crazy work schedule. Yesterday, he didn't have to work until evening, so he was going to be running some errands in the area. I asked him if he wanted to meet up for lunch and he said yes, but later said his stomach wasn't feeling good, so didn't. I was frustrated b/c to me, lunch really isn't about the food - it's about connecting. I've had lunch with him before when I wasn't hungry at all just so we could have a chance to catch up and communicate face to face. Last night he calls and says they are closing up early (at 10, but still would have to do closing procedures so wouldn't actually get off til later than that) and if I wanted to come over and visit him. I guess I'm glad he wanted to see me, but it still seemed a little selffish. He knows I go to bed by 10 b/c I get up early at 5:15. Also, yes, my parents were home and could have watched S (well he was sleeping, but there just in case he needed anything), but i just get soo frustrated b/c he doesn't get that first and foremost, we're parents! Yes, I'm sure we all sometimes miss our pre-child freedoms, but I love being a mom and wouldn't change it for the world! So anyways, I didn't go. Yes, I wanted to see H, but I was exhauseted and appear to be fighting a bug anyways, plus just out of principal. I think that annoyed him a little too (I could hear it in his voice + he never responded back to my text about S having dr appt/good night).

It brings me down b/c this self-fishness for S's and my needs makes me feel like an "us" is hopeless. I do appreciated hearing about the other couple you know that did work. That gives a small amount of hope, that maybe, just maybe, our R could go that direction too. I agree tho, it's so scary not knowing what the future holds. I only have control over myself. I know I would do whatever it takes to make us work but only H knows that answer for H.