I have experienced major breakthroughs since Thursday and just wish to share them more as a journal than a cry for help.
I'm happy to say I have had 3 days in a row where I have somehow managed to feel no anger; Every thought has been simply turned into empathy. What has been interesting about this experience is that it seems to be happening naturally like I never had a problem with it. That's the best way I can describe it.
Since Thursday, I've had the experience of a little voice in my head that kept popping up...it kept saying "DUDE, RUN! GET OUT! DON'T LOOK BACK!". This voice of course makes you question if anything right now is worth the headache anymore. Made me ask myself "Why am I here anymore?"
I continue to pray for clarity.
Then there was an epiphany. My same old pattern was creeping in again. The same pattern that made me give up in my M and has pretty much induced this situation I'm currently in. This pattern sent me into a 3+ year long fantasy land where I escaped and ran from reality. I simply gave up.
This epiphany squashed the little voice in my head. Now that I have made it outside of my forest. I have no choice but to look at this wide open space as my future and my life. I can embrace the fact that I'm scared and uncertain but now that i can see MYSELF clearly I can now step to the edge of my fears and handle it a little better.
In summary, I have no reason to deal with anything else other than myself now. I do not like myself right now; but I know what I need to do to like myself again. First step is to win my battle with procrastination.
After reading the fantastic resources Cadet gave me, I see a lot of my W and Myself in those threads. I believe I was suffering my own Crisis, in which triggered my W's. I will not go into great detail about this as it's pretty much the answer to why. However, it's pointless to dwell in the past when there is so much to fix for the future.
