Thanks, you two. Jeff, you`re some soldier! Still logging on here, still giving spport, still getting on with your life and-by the looks of things-having a nce life. Hope you find someone special soon who deserves to share that with you!
TIF, I`m off to catch up with you nowJust have to say that both your observations about H having to prove himself to me right now, have been spot on. He hasn`t/can`t.
Yes, he is shaping up around the house-attending to the garden f`rinstance when he`d never bothered before but I feel this is just a show because his Mum is coming up next week(Groan!)
At the funeral-in front of everyone-he hugged me but hasn`t hugged me since. In fact,feeling paticularly vulnerable I went into his bed in the middle of the night last week and all he could do in response was ask if I wanted a pilow-no emotion, no asking how I was, no hugs, nothing. I remembered how cold he was on holidays two years ago-I`d lain across him and sobbed but he was like stone-same coldness.I said nothing-just left.
Yup, I`m vulnerable;I could very easily be sucked back into an abusive situation.H is all about the appearance of things, never about the heart.
I am tired and probably a bit depressed so I`m going to GAL my way out of this and keep letting H go.He will need MC-if only to say we have tried everything.
Definitely sounds like your H has a LOT of work to do!! I'm sorry he is still being like that. Any more angry spews lately where you have had to plug your ears?:) Is he on any antidepressants or seeing an IC?
You are on the right track - GAL and keeping letting him go.
First off, so sorry to hear about your mum, that is a really tough one.
So H thinks wants to try again but has not put his money where his mouth is? And you pretty much feel done? Hmm, its ironic how timing changes where each of our head is at so much. I know you must have so many emotions swirling around right now with all that has been happening. I understand that you have finally got it together to move on with yoyr life and are doing great, and thats great.
I guess my main comment would be that this is one of those times your H has flung the window wide open for you to have the possibility of seeing what sort of place you could move forward to in the future. Those chances to explore such questions do not come along too often. If you were to look back on your life in 20 years time, to you think you would have prefered to taken one last look? You know he is going to be the shadow version right now, but it is worth exploring the option to see what might lie down that path? I understand you might not feel like looking at that right now, and I think its very important to be in the right place to look into it, or it is not worth while.
But I think the ball is well and truely in your court, and with so much happening to you right now, it's important to step way way back and weigh up one more time why you fought so hard to keep things together for so long. Its a real tough one.
I am not really into the Alt, but Grace O has my contact details if she would not mind passing them on.
Well, it`s obviously been some time since I posted.
And, since I let go.
Letting go meant me seeking legal separation(divorce takes four years after legal sep in this part of the world) H changed his mind about leaving us last Jan and, after he got a letter from my sol informing him of separation proceedings H started to attend psychotherapy.
I don`t know if he wants to save his marriage or his ass with the kids.
He says he wants to save the marriage.
He has done incredible work in the past few months.
Much more present around the house. Doing lots of the domestic stuff. Very much interacting with the kids.
But maybe that`s just a ploy to get custody of the kids/lower maintenance.
I don`t trust him so I can`t be sure.
Have to say, life at home is A LOT calmer.
H is bringing up the tough convos about saving our marriage. I`m listening, but not trusting.
Up until last week I was very very sure I no longer loved him after all that has happened in the past few years.
Now, I think maybe we could have a little chance.
But he has always played games. Always played yo yo with me, even before we were married. So I really don`t want to buy into that again.
I suppose I really feel damned either way. Damned if we legally separate(we`re separated in the same house still), damned if I go back to the same marriage again.
I have told him I admire him for all the changes he has made. My only positive comment to him in the past twelve months.
I`m holding on to my own changes since my DB days-superficial and also deeply spiritual ones. Glad of this path for teaching me so so much.
Girl you have been on my mind a lot lately. It is soooo good to see you here.
It is ok to take another look, you know.
It sounds like your H is making steps to improve himself. That is always a good thing.
You have taken your steps, are walking your path, and I don't believe that you will stop that if you choose to see what happens.
Trust, it is a hard thing to rebuild. It can be done though. It means allowing yourself to take the risk. And it is a risk you are going to have to take, with your H or someone else, unless you decide to remain alone.
Don't go into it blindly, but slowly and with your eyes wide open.
You are strong enough to make this a different marriage than what it was...
I will talk to you soon, my friend.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Not even sure that I should be here. But here I am.
Don`t know if I even want a different marriage with H. Certain I don`t want the old one.
We are so close to going legal on this. My affidavits are on my desk as I type, waiting for me to revise them and send them back to sol for court.
And H was away again for most of the weekend. Just came back this pm to eat lunch and go again.This time with D. But saying nothing about where he was.
Is that enough of an effort?
He hasn`t been around for the past three weekends and the kids tell me he`s going to his mother`s next weekend. So I`m left to do everything around here. A very old place indeed.
At this point I`m standing still. Just watching to see why he has improved his humour so radically around the kids and me. No more deep sullen moods, no more anger.
I really need to know why that is.What is intentions are-to win me back or just fare better with custody and maintenance issues.
Doesn`t feel like he wants me at all.
And I`m not desperate for him either.
Just glad it`s calmer around here and that he`s more involved with the kids.
Not enough to stay married though.
Ok, off to catch up on some of your posts Cat! Hope you`re doing well!
Thanks for sharing your wisdom. That`s exactly what I`m doing. standing still, watching, not jumping any which way for now.
Looking for now that H really just wants the kids-not me. Went away last weekend, just saying he was going away, not saying where. I`m still left with the bulk of the housework even though I work full time too. He comes and goes when he pleases so not dependable in terms of looking after the kids.
Its not tense around here anymore. More like old marriage really pre bomb. Him suiting himself and me not knowing wheter he cares about me or not.
Meanwhile, some more legal paper work has arrived for me to sort for going to court for separation.
I`m sad today.Leopards can`t change their spots, can they?
Looking at that last post-and being so much at a crossroads with separation-I really cant see that reconciling with H would mean anything more than me going back to a one sided relationship.
Not good for the kids either. No, we don`t bitch about each other to the kids,and we don`t argue. We even manage polite conversation-usually about the kids and have maanged to be very focusses and agreed on most of what the kids need(apart from two happy parents...sigh!). But S13 asked me last night why we never kiss.
They know we sleep apart but are very confused about where things stand.
I didn`t know how to handle it. I just said life wasn`t a bed of roses and things can`t be wonderful all the time.
Don`t know what else to say really. Any suggestions?
I am sorry abou the talk with your S, but I think you handled it well. When you don't know where things stand, it is hard to know what to tell the kids.
What does FG want for FG?
Regardless of H?
Did you get your email?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
