I'm very happy for you that you were able to have that healing convo with H. Sorry that H seems h3llbent on moving forward with D. This sounds similar to my situation with H/XH before the D, although we still haven't had the type of healing convo you and H just had.
Does your H have a tendency toward rigidity in his personality? I'm asking because my XH certainly does. He likes to "check things off his lists". It gives him a feeling of accomplishment and a level of control over his world (important for children of alcoholics). I gained a better understanding of this personality attribute when I listened to Daniel Amen's "The Brain in Love" CD set (there's a book too). The brains of people like this have different activity levels in an area of the brain (cingulate gyrus) that is needed for flexible thinking so they just simply don't have the capacity to be as flexible in their thinking as we are. There is some research that shows that adult children of alcoholics have changes in this area of the brain. Amen talks about how to deal with people who have this type of problem.
In my situation I have also found out that XH's BMF had a much more negative influence on H/XH than I had previously thought. Is there someone in your H's life who might be pushing him toward D? All of your H's actions indicate that OW isn't a strong influence on how he spends his time, so this is confusing.
What are the laws regarding D in your area? How soon might this happen? In my state, D can occur within 1 week if both parties agree. I told H/XH that I needed more time to adjust to the idea of D and asked that the documents we signed stipulate that the D would be filed 6 months after we signed the paperwork. This bought me 6 extra months to DB.
