D has a carnival both Sat and Sun. H hasn't been to see her swim for a long, long time. Tonight he emailed to ask if he could come with us Sunday and he would drive. That was a surprise.
And I was wrong.....H was not at ow's the other night. He told me he went to training for a new job. That's me reading into things again. I realised I was wrong when he emailed me at 1.30am!
WOW! Steady steps forward in your situation. Keep reporting them. Good reminder about mind-reading. No time to post much today. Hope to catch up on the weekend.
Last night H phoned at home and asked how my day was. He was ringing to find out what time we would leave for swimming. As I had my dad visiting it was a brief convo. Interesting that he rang rather than a text.
So we left early this morning. Took an hour to get there. When we arrived I decided to sit with the other families as I would do if I was going alone. I wondered if H would be ok with that as of course, he wouldn't know people and he is quite private. He seemed fine. It was comfortable and conversation was easy. I brought a couple of magazines along and H brought the newspaper so we read and swapped news. Then I gave H my mags to read while I read the newspaper and he pointed out a few recipes he liked and a couple he knew I would like. He told me stuff about his work and the details of a phone call he received while we were there. Plenty of general conversation, in between racing. Anyone who observed us would not have known we were separated. It was a long day and altogether we spent 10 hours side by side so I think that was quite positive.
It's late and I'm very tired so I'll post this briefly.
After swimming, I realised I had forgotten to give H $10 I owed him and as I had said I would pay him today, just five minutes before leaving the car I wanted to tell him I would give the money to D. I sent him a message on skype and we sent a few messages. Long story short after he referred to something negative he had done in the past I said, "The past is over. Let's forget it." What followed was this amazing conversation which had us building a bonfire and throwing our past history on it and we threw the pain and hurt we had both caused on the bonfire. Then H said sorry and that blew me away. I replied, "me too" and he said that he had more to be sorry for than me and we shared how we had hurt each other, our kids and our family. We both said we had forgiven each other and the past was now in the past. We pledged to be honest and caring of each other as we tried to move forward together as friends. I thanked him and said I felt a sense of peace because of what we had done. H replied, " Thats good. Hopefully the pain of the past has gone. We still have to sort out the settlement at some point." I restated as I have several times that I have the paperwork here and he asked what he had to do to get it going. I said, "Just come here and fill it all out with me; financial and divorce" and he agreed. He told me that he loved me as a friend but it was best for everyone if he lived on his own and so therefore he wanted a divorce. I just said I did not want this but I would not stand in his way.
So as usual, as soon as we get too close H pulls out the divorce card!
I had many opinions spelled out in the post I wrote and lost and since I hadn't been able to log on and with time issues all has been discussed already. I can't really add more.
The facts are obvious to me:
H is spending more time with you and is comfortable. H is spending time working on household chores and is happy doing so. H is initiating contact with you in person and voice and is comfortable. H is increasingly more candid with you about his personal goings on and that is a breakdown of his wall. H is suggesting activities for you two or three to do together and as a family because he is enjoying the reconnection.
You are experiencing so many positives right now. My advice is to maintain your patience and continue to let him lead. Do not let your anxieties get carried away. Let the OW be, IMO she doesn't have much impact right now from what you are saying. Your H will dispose of her when he is ready and that may be coming soon. He will do this when he feels it's safe and it cannot be rushed.
Continue what you're doing....it's working!!!
Get those magazines out and create one/two of the recipes for your next dinner with your family that H pointed out you both would like.....He will feel validated that you listened to his thoughts and ideas and it will be fun to try something new together!!
(((Hugs))) Cas.....I think about you and pray for your family every day.
Time will heal...
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
You're post beat mine. I am sorry for what I just read.
I am soooo sorry.
All I can say is continue what you are doing. It isn't over til it's over.
(((((Hugs))))) my friend, sleep well.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Also..... It's H's birthday in 2 weeks. What do I do? Options; nothing/text/card/gift but not personal
Although our conversation was strained with the whole divorce stuff rearing its head again we still finished reasonably positively. I am almost tempted to give him what he wants and take the papers up to his house tomorrow. On the other hand I don't think I should make it that easy for him. What do you think?
Sanderika, we were both posting at the same time so you have posted here without seeing what I had typed above. It may change your thoughts!!!!
Complicated stuff Cas at the risk of not mind reading perhaps H has felt he has done too much damage to not go ahead and divorce you?
I know my time line was much shorter than yours and I still honestly believe that H only came back after six months because I got the DB advice straight away he left and was able to put it into immediate practise, I only wish I'd had it three months before that so I could have possibly stopped him going but that is all water under the bridge.. I know I was lucky, at any time he could have found an OW and that probably would have been the end of our M as he truly believed it couldnt change for the better.
I some times think having watched them that once they have let go of OW and want to reiniate relationship with LBS they are a bit like the ostrich they do a little courtship dance and then when the LBO (Left behind ostrich) responds they promptly panic and stuff their heads in the sand.. It does seem that even when your darling Ostrich hubby sticks his head in the sand he keeps coming up and forgetting he'd planned to divorce you and again goes ahead with his little courtship dance and so on and so on.
So the question is how do you get him to dance a little longer each time?
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
It does seem that even when your darling Ostrich hubby sticks his head in the sand he keeps coming up and forgetting he'd planned to divorce you and again goes ahead with his little courtship dance and so on and so on.
So the question is how do you get him to dance a little longer each time?
Great name for a thread, Rabbit....
My immediate reaction in response to the question is to give him the divorce and then he's got what he wants and it's not hanging over my head. That marriage is dead anyway.
And it could be the end of ow/oo(other ostrich) as well and he and I both know that to take this relationship to the next level she has to go. I've made that clear enough.
When I think about it, H has threatened divorce for three years now and when it comes to the crunch he's backed out every time by blaming me for stalling when in fact he's refused to negotiate. usually, he's very decisive. Tonight he tried to say that if I was going to make it difficult.......but I hadn't and I have written proof that all I said was that I will not stand in his way if that's what he really wants.
